Words

Just something i kind of threw together, it's meant to represent the importance of words.

Nothing but words.

Jumbled letters on a faded page,

Symbols portraying events that had once occurred,

Shapes that show a forgotten age,

Or stories that had once been unheard.

Plays that were destined for the stage,

Faded writing that was distant and blurred,

Words scribbled in a fit of rage,

Or half-formed thoughts of something absurd.

Words that fill a page,

Wrangles that have been transferred,

Copied up to be forever stored,

In the future, 

They will be adored.

Author's Note

First try at a rhyming poem. Please review it, I'd love to hear everyone's opinions, thank you

Reviews

[LawrenceRaybon]

The Constructive Critics’ Poem Critique Checklist
http://www.writerscafe.org/groups/Constructive-Critics/11057/

What is your favorite part/line/stanza of the poem? Why?
---Favorite lines are the last two in the second stanza. I like the image it puts in my head. Two writers next to each other, one almost ripping the page in anger; the other giggling softly to his/herself.

What is your least favorite part/line/stanza of the poem? Why?
---My least favorite part is the last stanza because it doesn’t quite fit the pattern set up in the rest of the poem

What does the Title of the Poem make you think about?
---Words.

Does the title fit with the poem? Does it add anything? Does it detract or distract?
---Yes, the poem is about the importance of written words so the title fits fine.

What is the subject of the poem? Is the subject clear?
---The subject is the importance of the written words. There is one line that confuses the subject a little, “Or stories that had once been unheard.” The poem emphasizes the written word in various ways and then there’s this one line that talks about hearing instead of reading. It’s not a big thing, but it is something for the author to think about.

What is the tone, or feeling you get from the poem? Does the tone fit with the subject matter?
---The feeling I get from the poem is a love of words, which works well with the subject matter.

Is the poem a comparison or analogy? How is the comparison appropriate? Is it inappropriate?
---No the poem is fairly straight forward, saying what it means.

Does the poem flow? Is it easy to read and understand, each part feeding to the next? If there are breaks in the flow do they serve a purpose? Does the author use short direct sentences or longer more involved ones? Does the sentence structure fit into the flow?
---Yes, for the most part the poem flows well. The sentences are short and mostly broken up in to two lines each which connects the non rhyming lines together nicely, moving the flow along.

How is the poem ordered? Are there stanzas? Definite shifts in subject or perspective? Is there a progression of some sort? Simple to complex; past to present, etc.? Is there a climax and is it effective or a letdown?
---The poem is broken up into stanzas, but there isn’t really a progression. The first and second stanzas could even be exchanged without any loss of meaning.

What about the pattern/rhythm? Does the poem have a definite rhythmic pattern? Does it follow the pattern throughout? If it breaks the pattern, does that break add to the meaning or is it distracting?
---To me it feels like there is a hint of rhythmic pattern that’s waiting for some polish to really shine. I feel like you need to break down the syllables and see how many each line has. They don’t all have to be the same, but if some have a ton more or less than other lines, they’re probably going to screw up the pattern. For example, the third line of the first stanza has 12 syllables. That’s at least three more syllables than any other line in the stanza! When read aloud it doesn’t feel right with the lines surrounding it, it takes so much more effort to say.

Does the poem rhyme? Do the rhyming words actually rhyme (try saying them out loud one after the other to see if they feel right)? Is the rhyming consistent? If there is a break in the rhyme does it serve a clear purpose?
---Yes the poem rhymes, and all but one of the words that rhyme do so well. Bravo on this point, I read too many poems that intend to rhyme but poorly choose words. I feel like you tried to rhyme ‘Words’ in the first line with ‘occurred’ two lines below. Rhyming plurals to non-plurals is a tricksy business (that ‘s’ hiss screws up the rhyme), and in this case I feel it’s too distracting. I would either separate the line so it stands by itself, or do what another reviewer suggested and drop the use of the word ‘words’ all together (which I feel is the more elegant solution). One more thing about the rhyme, while the stored and adored do rhyme, it breaks the rest of the rhyme scheme. Having these lines in a stanza with other lines that follow the previous rhyme scheme felt awkward to me. Also having ‘transferred’ and ‘stored’ end two lines next to each other set up an ‘almost rhyme’ that feels weird.

Does the author effectively use other literary devices (alliteration, assonance, onomatopoeia, etc.)?
---Alliteration was used effectively with ‘Shapes that show’ and ‘forever/future’.

Does the author effectively use figurative language? Are there metaphors, similies, personifications, etc.? Are they appropriate? Do they add or distract?
---The language is fairly clear and straight forward. But the absence of figurative language feels like it lends credibility to the subject matter to me.

Did the author use hyperbole, oxymoron, paradox? Was it used effectively?
---None used that I noticed.

Did the author use repetition? Was purposeful or did it seem accidental? Did the repetition add to the poem or distract? Did the repetition fit into the flow of the poem or did it break up the flow?
---The repetition was very subtle. The use of the words, ‘page’ and ‘words’ as well as references to writing made it clear that the poem dealt with written words specifically.

What were the word choices the author made? Did they use short, easy words or big flowery language? Were the word choices appropriate for the subject and tone of the poem? Did the words chosen fit into the rhythm and flow? If not are there any other words that might fit better?
---The words were a mixture of short/easy and long/million dollar words. The use of ‘wrangles’ to mean arguments stands out as one of the million dollar words. As a poem about words it’s awesome that some college level vocabulary was used, but keep in mind that million dollar words are only good if your audience can understand them.

What was your overall impression of the poem? Was anything confusing? What felt right? What felt wrong?
---My overall impression of the poem was that it was an interesting concept but maybe a little underdeveloped. The point is that words are important, but I felt like this was a list of how words are used, what was missing is a glimpse of the world without the written word.

List any errors in grammar, spelling, punctuation, style (point of view, sentence structure, tense, etc.) and/or continuity. (Be specific and include lines if possible):
---Line 3: I would use a period at the end.
---Line 7: I would use a period at the end. Also I would change ‘was’ to ‘is’ thus taking away the implication that the faded writing is somehow no longer distant and blurred.
---Line 13: I wouldn’t have any punctuation at the end. I would also combine this line and line 14 into a single line so that the rhyme works correctly. (As is ‘future’ doesn’t rhyme, nor does it pretend to rhyme with anything which is a drastic departure from the style of the rest of the poem.

In your opinion how could the author improve their (Title, Plot, Ending, Character, Setting, Voice, Style, Dialogue, Format, etc.)? (Be Specific)
---The biggest improvement I think you can make would be to go back and work on the flow as I mentioned above.

Overall this is a very good poem that with a little polish could be great. As you rewrite, read the poem aloud, read the stanzas one at a time and really get a feel for the flow. If anything is hard to say or makes you stumble you may want to look at changing it. I look forward to reading a rewrite!

Cheers,
Lawrence
Constructive Critics Group
Using the Constructive Critic Poem Critique Checklist

Note: A printable copy of this Critique (that is easier to read) is available at:
https://www.dropbox.com/s/xrleefipq0n50e1/Critique%20of%20Words%20by%20Louisa.docx

***Standard Disclaimer: These are my honest opinions and they are
absolutely not meant as any kind of attack. I only comment on work that I
think is good and only offer advice so that we can all become better
writers. You are always free/welcome to heed or disregard my
opinions/advice!***

[louisa]

Thank you so much this is very useful and i'll keep everything in mind when i rewrite the poem :)

[@zeewhykay]

You described the art of writing wonderfully. From erudite thoughts to a fitting rage, all excuses are good to put word to paper. Well penned.

[louisa]

thank you!! :)

[leenalettingitout]

So I like this a lot. Your second stanza especially. It's well written, and I like that the rhyming doesn't make it sound silly.

I think, however, that using the word "word(s)" to talk about how important words can be is unnecessary. If you delete or change all your uses of "words (except in the title) the meaning of the poem isn't going to change. In fact, I think it will make it sound less like it's just blatantly saying "WORDS ARE IMPORTANT SO THERE." I think it would give it more metaphorical value.

I do like it a lot though.

[louisa]

thank you!

[Matt Thomas]

Let me tell you something I usually am a big critic when it comes to writing...And I one big issue is that people won't look at the heart of the writing but they will knitpick at the little things...Now I am implying this to one of your reviewers...Poetry comes from the heart not from correct punctuation..I review soo many different poets and short story wrtiers...This is absolutely beautiful and descriptive..Bottom Line...Like a gorgeous statue from the Roman ages that had been dug up and restored...Words in your description are the same...And let me tell you something Louisa...For a sixteen year old kid it is even more astonishing!! Imagine how great your going to be in the future...Do not lose this gift you have..I rarely give out anything higher than an 85 but this is a 95...Keep up the good work and your words will be adored in the future. Not for punctuation but for what people really pay attention to..The words..If you want to you can review my project...But excellent stuff

[louisa]

thank you so much, you've made my day thank you

[Matt Thomas]

Not a problem...I must give praise where praise is due...It is always my pleasure to see a writer of such talent..Hoping you have a chance to look at my project..But if not keep up the great writing

[louisa]

thank you, i will look at your project :)

[C. Rose]

"Faded writing was distant and blurred". The "was" implies that the faded writing is now longer distant and blurred.

Favorite line is "Words scribbled in a fit of rage, or half-formed thoughts of something absurd."

Technical Suggestions:
Suggest period after "forever stored" instead of comma.
Suggest period after "distant and blurred" instead of comma.

The rhyming in your last stanza follows what pattern?
"wrangles that have been transferred" is the weak link of this poem (in my opinion). While wrangle is a great word, perhaps wrangle of words or of thoughts or wrangled words - wrangled wrongs comes to mind for no sensible reason - . My point is "wrangles" alone is assumed a verb, yet you place it as a noun, plus the double meaning of wrangle complicates the understanding.
This would give each stanza two sentences.

[louisa]

thank you this is really helpful!!