No Homo

The classroom seemed too far away and the warning bell only rings if we have a minute left to get to class apparently because when we get there, Miss Ribe was sitting seductively on her desk with her legs crossed like a stripper on a pole and looking at us like we were expired meat.

"Chairs, now." She ordered, making us scramble for our chairs at the back of the room.

"Now that all of you ling-a-dings are here, I want everyone to go to your partners. Heterogeneous partners on the left and homo on the right." Before I could stop myself, I started laughing along with the rest of the class when the words were uttered. I might as well say that Miss Ribe laughed along, quite pleased we found her joke funny.

When we were calmed down and paired up, she made an announcement that was too good to be true. "Hey idiots, guess what!? I got all of you out of class for the rest of the morning to learn how to properly care for babies."

Cue cheers and yells from the student body and Miss Ribe showing us what lies beneath the fat rolls that are her arms. Oh god. Am I dead? I see a light! OH MY GOD. NO. NO. NO. NO. THAT SHOULD NOT BE ON A WOMANLY BODY. THAT IS NOT THE LIGHT! NO. NO.

When she lowered her arms, which again, was horrific, her mouth opened to utter more words. Now I'm scared. "So first things first, I want this to be really easy for all of you ninnies. Decide amongst yourselves who you want to be the mother and the father. Homo partners, that means you!"

I looked across the room to see Markus with his partner, Dallas, who apparently wanted to become the mother because he was already wearing the apron Miss Ribe was passing around. 

"Hey, can you be the mom? I doubt I can live it down if it were me." Jason asked, tapping me on the shoulder.

"Do you even have to ask? Give me the apron, honey." I mock-flirted, taking the apron from him and tying it to my waist.

Miss Ribe must think she had a pretty voice because moments after that, she opened her mouth. Again. For the fourth time today. Words. Out of her mouth. Ick.

"I know I'm supposed to tell you what not to do when handling a baby and not make you play dress up but this just seems like a really great idea." She said. 

A slight tingle in my left ear made me jump and I realized Jason was leaning down to whisper something into my ear. "That's Miss Ribe talk for 'I can't have a baby so I'm making all of you suffer by making you learn how to take care of a baby in excruciating detail because I am teacher and you are not.'" I nod. It seems as though I had misjudged Miss Ribe. It makes me wonder if she was married and was found to be infertile or single because she was infertile, but if that were so, is she single because she's infertile or was she infertile and then her husband dumped her for a fertile woman who could give him a soccer team of babies because he found out? Hmm, I guess I'll never know.

Next she ordered all of us to perform a series of regular baby procedures that were dull as heck. The only thing saving me from utter boredom was my baby daddy purposely slipping up and making little things seem really, really, really, really, really hard. Every once in a while I glance over at Markus and Dallas and I see how awkward it was for all the homo partners to handle the weird dolls.

By the time class was finally dismissed, I ran out of the room as fast as my legs could carry me and the baby alive doll Jason and I had named Carrie and waited for Markus to catch up at the lockers. When he did show up, took him a long time to do it too, he was carrying his doll with him in an awkward manner. He was carrying the poor thing by its foot and looking at it disgustingly. It took him a while to notice me with all the staring at the doll but when he did, I think he lit up just by a bit and showed me his grin.

Somehow, his grin brings me back to the good old days back in the Philippines when I didn't have to deal with the shock that is American culture. When all I had to deal with was the culture I was born into and the constant fear of pimples. Not caring about what a Twinkie™​or a Sour Patch Kid™ was or not having to worry about the new iPhone or shortages in lip balm. I miss the pure unadulterated chaos that came with living in a third world country. But somehow, this, this grin makes all of that go away.

I nodded at him and he nodded back, our grins matched, it was like the whole world continued to revolve and we were left in a time lapse. We stood like that, for a long moment, the conversations slowly melted and went away, the people all walked in different directions and we were alone. I knew this was my chance. I just felt it. I took his unoccupied hand in mine and made him carry Carrie and walked away.

His footsteps shuffled behind mine and followed me to the libra- Repository of Learning where I have decided to spend my lunch period. Researching about American culture. And if Salicylic acid and resorcinol combined with zinc oxide and precipitated sulfur would become an addictive substance if used as an ointment like the one I use for pimples and my underarms constantly. But nobody needs to know that, just so I'm clear.

"Hey," I said, calling his attention, "are you gonna go grab some lunch because I'm not."

He slowly placed the dolls on the nearby table and looked at me like I said I was going to bomb America after marrying one of my kind. Heh. That's a good one, Chris. Racist, but good.

Markus shook his head. "I stopped by your house on the way to school. Your aunt told me you didn't want breakfast, earlier." He recounted. S**t. Am I supposed to be in some kind of trouble?

He folded his arms and grinned mischievously before his mouth opened to talk again. What's with everyone wanting to talk today? This is crazy!

"I'm not going to let you sit here in the library and not eat, Chris. And besides, you didn't eat lunch yesterday." But, the salicylic acid! The smell of books! How can I abandon them when they're beckoning to me!?

"I'm not even going to bother waiting for you to reply." He said as he pulled out a set of books from the bottom-most shelf, slid the dolls behind the untouched books and replaced the ones he took out. How did he know the back of the shelves were unoccupied? Oh right. He's a lurker, he's supposed to know secret s**t around the school.

As I was busy admiring the secret hiding spot, I had no idea Markus was already carrying his bag and mine until I felt a tug on my arm, pulling me away from the shelves and into the open corridor.

"Where are we going?" I asked him, realizing that we weren't heading to the cafeteria. 

"The school allows students to leave the grounds as long as we get passes from the office." He informed.

Fifty three steps later, I counted, we were in the office asking for passes. When we got them, I asked Markus again where we were going and he just shrugged.

"Bloody Frodo, Markus!" I yelled, making him jump just as he passed the school gate.

He turned to look at me with his furrowed brows in confusion. This, is going to be fun.

"What?" He yelled back with such intensity and confidence I couldn't have thought could ever come from him. 

"Where are we going?" I asked, still keeping up with the charade that I was made as f**k.

He groaned loudly and hung his head up, which I have to say is not a bold move with the sun out and all. The boy is going to blind himself. Don't go into the light, man. Markus, come back to me!

"You'll know when we get there!" He finally said, picking up his pace to a slight jog. I wonder where he's taking me. Wait. I have to check my phone for messages from my aunt!

"Get back here, lurker!" I said as I raced after him.

 

Author's Note

Merry Christmas!!! :3