you

A Poem by m

not really a poem, just words

you
i didnt even know you
something made me want to
so i took a risk and tried to
maybe it was because you reminded me of him
but he is gone and i wanted to move on
i started to know you
and you started to know me
and we were just friends, but to me it felt like more
i was too afraid to ask for more
then i found out that it felt like more to you too
i was so happy
for once, something good would actually accept me and stay
the feeling of being cared for and wanted back had me happier than ive ever been
well, after he was gone, that is
we were perfect
you made me happy, and i seemed to make you happy as well
the night you kissed me was amazing, not because of attraction but just because of emotion
i was thrilled and terrified at the same time
the butterflies in my stomach started to flurry, then calmed down as i moved closer to your warmth
i felt safe, and loved, and more happy than i had been in a while
you always knew when i was upset, and always helped me squash the negative feelings
you would do little things just to make me smile
i tried to as well
then it changed a bit
you seemed less interested in me as a person, and more so in my body
i told myself "this is a teenage boy, its just a phase"
ill even admit, i enjoyed it too
then i had a breakdown
and you were there the entire time
to support me, to talk to me
to reassure me that everything would be fine
and i believed you
and things were fine for a while
then you changed
maybe i changed?
its different now
you're more distant
when i need you most, you do help but you dont try as hard to
you avoid me sometimes
you told me you dont want us
i said "okay"
as long as i still have my bestfriend we dont need to be in a relationship
but you keep going farther and farther away from me
you started to forget about me
you never gave me my christmas present
ill never say that to you, but i think about it sometimes
something so small that still hurts because i know you just forgot about it
or maybe you forgot about me
you rarely start the conversation, and when you do i know its only for a stupid reason: a snapstreak
you only keep contact with me so you can look good socially
i try but honey, im giving up fast
i cry myself to sleep because i dont know what i did wrong
you can still usually tell whenever im upset, but i never want to tell you why
because usually you're the reason
and i dont know how to tell you that
i know you'd just tell me that im overanalyzing things
being dramatic
because to you, this is not a big deal
maybe it never was to you
but i am completely stuck loving you
i want to move on, believe me
i dont know if you have or not, but not knowing kills me more than a simple yes or no answer
i cant ask you
you'll be upset
telling me "we are only in high school, i cant just decide who im in love with and say hey im gonna marry you someday"
"you cant make me decide"
i know i cant make you
i wish you would
i wish more than anything else that you would decide what we are
where we stand
but i know you wont
so im stuck here
constantly torn, being tugged back and forth by your mixed signals
maybe i should just get over you
maybe i should let you go, maybe even cut you off
maybe that would solve my problem
but i know if i did, i would always come running back to you
unless you send me away, i will never be able to stay away
at least not for very long
every time i hear something about you its like i've been punched in the stomach
i feel hollow
you may be moving back to flordia
you may not be allowed to do something we had planned
something so small, but i know before this, you would have done anything to make it happen
and now you dont try
for all i know you may want to be with someone else
all of the girls fawn over you
so what makes me so special?
is there any reason you'd pick me over them?
nothing. no reason at all
im just me
and for a while, that was enough for you
maybe now its not
i miss you
you're still here but its not you
the you i first met is gone
i just want you back
its like you dont know me anymore
and now
i dont think i know you either