My Confessions

A story of a realizing that teenage love is really a killer, teenage love may kill you.

Have you ever felt invisible? Of course, you're just human after all. It's such a bad thing but sometimes you feel the world doesn't care about you. No, the world doesn't give a s**t about you. There are other seven billion people so why should the world care about you. And that's what gets me. I want to make a change that would matter, to give meaning to my monotonous life. I go to school, work then have a family. Do your duties to your family and then be happy. 

It sounds simple enough. You just gotta learn to be thankful and satisfied for what you've got. Maybe I'm just rambling on but I want to do something meaningful in my life. 

So, I wanna tell my story. Maybe my story would matter to one person in this world of seven billion people. If my story mattered then I guess I would have achieved something, making a change, even if it is just to one person. 

I'm still living my life at the age of 28. In those 28 years of my life I have laughed and cried. I died and lived. For the dying part, I died inside. I was messed up for ruining myself. I don't know if I regret that phase but probably if it didn't happen I wouldn't be who I am right now. 

I'm confessing to my sins. Seems random to be writing about it now. I fucked up. I didn't know what love was. I was naive to be "in love" at 16. It may have been love but I was just looking for someone to value my life as something exciting. But I couldn't handle it. The immaturity I had. Stupid to think that love was the one like in the movies, magical, rebellious, young and beautiful. God, what the hell was I watching? Also, stupid to want the stupid high school relationships my classmates had. Immature, sneaking in the night, having that first kiss. No one tells the ugly side of it, or the emotional scars it would leave you. 

Commitment. Loyalty. I didn't understood those words when I was young. Unfair to my ex-flame that I hurt him. It was petty why I had another relationship then I had the balls to tell him about my tryst. I was guilty. He ended it. That was expected. Beat up the guy, yeah that was expected. Then unexpected thing happened is that I became a low-life b***h who begged my ex-flame to take me back after what happened. 

I didn't care about my self-esteem. I wanted him for the mere fact he was my first. Idiotic, insane, stupid, moronic. The pathetic part was I let him use me for the hopes that he would take me back. I didn't care how or when he would use me. I lashed out, drugged myself and cut myself when he didn't get back with me. I felt used but then again I let him. True enough, it was all my fault and shouldn't have hoped that we would be together after that or that things would be just the way it was. 

I didn't know how but I eventually moved one. So much drama in my life, senseless drama. Trying to create this ideal teenage love. Fine, teenage love for me in my experience is the worst, stupid, senseless and dangerous . It messes with your brain, feelings and your outlook in life. This is the imperfect story of young love. People are different and may have the time of their lives when they were young. Sadly, I didn't have the maturity and the knowledge that would prepare me for young love. 

So here I am sharing you this story. I hope that teenagers won't make the same mistake of falling in love and then thinking that's the end of it. No, you don't know what love is. You have to get to the nitty-gritty of it. It's not all about midnight escapes or flowers and glitters and kisses and hugs. If you think that's what constitutes love then you're fucked. The worst you could do is kill yourself if you can't handle that teenage love is imperfect. Either you drug yourself or slash your wrist. That's your choice but it doesn't have to be. 

Move on from a failed love and start building your life. I'm still building mine and I don't know what to do with it. If I could go back in time I don't know if I would change things. But, like what I said I wouldn't be who I am if those events didn't happen to me. Messed up events, yeah but seems like a dream that never happened if I think about it every once in a while. Or perhaps young love messed up my brain so much that traumatic events seems like a dream to me. Glad that I'm still alive and survived it. So to all you teenagers or young adults, good luck to all of you and hope you don't end up like me.