Love of my life

As I sit outside on the chilly air, filling my lungs with nicotine, I stare at the sky thinking about my newfound situation. I have a job, I moved out, she's living with me, all I could ask or wish for. But why do I feel this numbness in my chest?  As I light my second cigarette she joins me on the balcony. I always seemed to smoke a lot more when thinking, I felt comfort in the chilly air around, now both her and me. She leans over on the balcony looking at the street. I take a moment to look at her and admire how beautiful she was. I turn my look away when I notice she's turning her attention to me. My mind goes blank. She slowly and with a note of concern in her voice asks " What's going on?" - I look up at her and tell her "Nothing, what would be going on?"- I know I maybe sounded a bit harsh, but I honestly didn't know what was wrong, I mean nothing should feel wrong. I had what I wanted for so long and dreamed of.  And yet there was this numbness in my chest that leads me to believe another way. She noticed it, she always knew my emotions better then I did, to be honest. "Are you sure?" - she asks "Yea" - I say, not sounding really convincing and realizing it the same second. She gently takes my hand and says " Come inside, you're gonna freeze.". Before I manage to say anything she pulls me up from the chair and leads me inside. I would object but she always seemed to have her way with me and honestly, I didn't mind it. Because I trusted her more than anyone. She leads me to the room where we sleep, sits me down on the bed. As she puts her hands on my cheeks, she sits in my lap and leans in, starting to kiss me. As I put my hands around her, pressing her more towards me I space out of everything except this moment. All the doubts and worries just slip by. I get lost in her kiss and her touch, feeling like the time itself has stopped.

 I wake up at about 10 o'clock the next morning, I reach out my arm to her side only not to found her there. I get up and sit at her side of the bed considering mine was right next to the wall. I go through my hair with one hand in an attempt to wake up and get my hair in a more presentable way. I stand up and roam my way to the kitchen. There is coffee on the table, I look through the glass door to see her sitting on the balcony, watching on the street, drinking coffee and smoking. I take my mug with the coffee and go towards her. I peak through the door, saying "Morning"- she startles a bit before moving her fixated look from the street to me. Before taking a seat next to her I lean in and kiss her. She kisses me back but seems a bit distracted. I knew a lot about her, about her past, but there was still some things I didn't know. I didn't wanna push her, I didn't wanna pressure her in saying something that she isn't comfortable with. I light a cigarette and take a sip from my mug. The warm liquid goes down my throat and feels me with warmth. I glance at her only to see her getting lost in her thoughts again. I carefully ask her " Hey, you okay?"- she shifts her focus on me with those green eyes that I loved so much, I could see a note of sadness in her eyes as she says " Yea, I'm alright." - I knew something was bugging her but I couldn't figure out what. She knew how to keep her feelings to herself all too well. My face goes worried and before I manage to compose myself and reassure her that she can talk to me, she gets up and says "I'm okay, I really am", gives me a kiss on my cheek and goes inside. I stay on the balcony for a few more minutes to finish my coffee. I didn't wanna nag her about what's wrong because I knew she would talk with me if and when she wanted to. All tho the urge of getting up and going after her, taking her hand, sitting her down and trying to talk to her about it didn't leave my mind. I finish in my coffee and go inside. I enter the living room to see her watching TV. I force myself to go to the kitchen because every fiber in my body was urging me to go to her. As I enter the kitchen I go to the fridge in search for something to cook. Opening the fridge I stare at it for a few moments before taking out some vegetables, mushrooms and chicken breasts. Before putting it on the kitchen counter I almost drop it because of a sudden dizziness that makes my balance go off a bit. Closing my eyes to shake it off, I feel a hand on my shoulder. I quietly say "I'm okay, just a little dizziness, I'll be fine.". I feel her other hand on my back going up and down in a soothing motion. As she speaks I hear the sadness and worry in her voice " Come on, leave it be, I'll cook. You sit down.". I nod and obey sitting down. She finished cooking quite fast. She puts the food on the table and takes my plate filling it with food. I look at the amount of food as she places it in front of me.  She noticed me looking at the plate and says in a worried yet soothing voice " You gotta eat. That's not a lot." - I look up from the plate and meet her eyes filled with care. "I know, I will. Tho I'm fine, I just got a little dizzy, that's all"- I say, trying to be as convincing as I could. I knew she was replying the day I ended up in E.R. and she almost lost me. I still get glitches of memory from that day, even it has been 4 months from when it happened, it feels like it was yesterday. I was dead. For those few moments, I felt like the pain and the weight has been lifted from my chest, but then when I saw her and how much she was scared I started to get pulled back. I felt my body shut down, but I could see her, I could hear her. I could see the fear on her face, feel it in her voice. Her eyes filling up with tears as I started to drift away. That day will be forever in my head. I still get caught up in thinking about that feeling of relief. But I know I can't leave her and I don't wanna leave her. To hurt her like that or in any other way, no matter how small it might seem. I know it would break her and I would rather suffer every second then leave her.  She pulls me from my thoughts by placing her hand on mine and pressing it with little grip, as gentle as a feather falling on my hand. "Hey, where did you go?" - She asks with a soft and caring voice. " I- nowhere" - I stumble on my own words. I realize she noticed something was off, but something has been off with her since this morning. I regroup my thoughts as quickly as I can and come closer to her.  " I'm okay now, you can relax. Nothing big happened. I'm still here and will be as long as you want me to bug you and make up for it by loving you more than anything in this world and beyond." - She shakes her head and smiles at me. Before she gets to respond I take her hands in mine and gently stroke her palms continuing to talk. I may be pushy, but I wanted and need to know what's bugging her since morning so I could help her. " I know something has been bugging you since morning. I could feel that something was off. You know my love for you is bigger than the universe itself. Please, talk to me. Let me try to help you if nothing at least let me listen to you and be there for you." - Her eyes focus on me and I could see her rethinking about talking about it. I could see the tears starting to form in her eyes. She takes a deep breath and lets it out with a gasp as if she was drowning and reaching for air. " I'm scared. " -She takes in another deep breath, I let her and wait for her to open up. " I'm scared for you. I don't wanna lose you. I don't wanna be as scared as I was that day. I almost lost you. You could have slipped through my embrace, I felt you slipping through my hands." - As I hear those words my heart breaks in a thousand little pieces. Just the thought of losing her, leaving her alone makes me break inside but I try my best to not show it to her, to be strong for her. Only God knows how many times she was strong for me, now it was my turn. I pull her in my embrace, even tho I try my best to hold back the tears I fail and feel tears falling down my face. I hold her in my hands for a few moments before she breaks free of my embrace. I look up to see her eyes full of tears. "You will never lose me, no matter what. I will forever be only yours to keep. I will never leave you. I know my health isn't the best, but you are the one thing that gives me the strength to fight. Before I meet you I was just hopelessly wondering on this Earth, without any purpose, without any motivation. I was ready to give up, to leave this Earth. You are the air I breathe, you are the sun that makes me feel warm when there is a storm inside of me, you are my shelter from the storms. I love you. ". - I say this in hope of her realizing I'm gonna fight for every moment that I get to spend with her.