when the light went out...

falling from the faith...

“Bradley!” he greeted me with a large smile from ear to ear and embraced me like a father would his long lost son, “That prodigal son returns!”

“Tom.” I smiled weakly and hugged him back. Tom Stueber had been my pastor for the last 10 years, a mentor (as he was trying to get me to change careers from law enforcement to fellow pastor), and a good friend.

“Good to see you, come in. come in.”

I thanked him and took off my coat. I had a brown paper bag filled with cans of Michelob Light, and I noticed him looking at it.

“This must serious?” he quipped.

I only nodded and he led me onto his patio out back. He put some wood together in the fire pit and got a fire lit. He came around to the lawn chair opposite me and held out his hand. I put a Mick in it. He popped the tab and took a swallow.

“Now.” He said after a sigh and sitting back into his chair, “How was New York?”

I was a police officer at this time. I belonged to a unit called the Stress Debriefing Unit (SDU). It was comprised of fellow officers who went out and chatted with police, fire dept, paramedics whom had gone through any sort of traumatic experience. My unit had gone out to New York City to help the NYPD and the NYFD deal with what they’ve been through in the last year. It was a year after the World Trade Center Towers had fallen.

I lit up a cigarette and exhaled, “How do you think it went?”

“I really couldn’t imagine.” He said quietly.

“No, you probably couldn’t.” that statement wasn’t meant to cut, but I think it did the way he raised his eyebrows at me.

“You probably saw a lot of things that most don’t get to see.” He said calmly, “Things that would make you question life….your faith perhaps?”

He knew me all too well. Every Sunday after church, I would usually be sitting in his office waiting for him. I always questioned everything he preached about. Inconsistencies and all that.

“I’m afraid this concept of god is lost to me.” I said with a lump in my throat, “I don’t understand how a loving god would allow such a thing to happen. Not only did it kill thousands of people…but it also messed up a lot of people in the head.”

“I know better than to tell you that He moves in mysterious ways.”

“Then don’t, Tom, please.”

“I can’t explain why these things happen, Brad. I don’t have the answers to everything.”

“With all due respect, Tom, I wasn’t asking for any. I just came over to tell you that I’m dropping out of those classes you had me join.”

He leaned back and sighed heavy, “Brad, are you sure?”

“I wouldn’t be here if I wasn’t. You are a good man, and you’ve been a good friend to me. So I am hoping that this doesn’t ruin our friendship.”

“Are you dropping out of church too?”

I nodded because I didn’t really want to answer him with my voice, it was cracked.

“You better hand me another one of those beers.” He said and I passed him one, “You must have done a lot of soul searching since your trip.”

I nodded again.

“I am disappointed, Brad, and I still think that God is calling you to be a pastor. Maybe not now, perhaps later when you’re ready.”

“Ready?” I asked incredulous, “How ready do I have to be? I’ve taken enough blows to my faith, Tom. I’ve seen way too much out there to believe in something like god. I cannot lead a church or preach if I don’t believe in it myself.”

“But you do believe. You do have a faith.”

“What do you mean?”

“Brad, my friend. Why are you a police officer?”

“I don’t know…because I like to help people, I guess.”

“And your Stress Debriefing Unit, why did you join that?”

I sighed, “I really don’t know where you’re going with this, Tom.”

“Why did you join, Brad?”

“I don’t know, Tom. I just did because it seemed like the right thing to do.”

“How does one know what the right thing to do is if he has no faith in what is taught in the bible?”

“Look, even the theology professor said I wasn’t cut out to be a pastor, so he can’t be wrong.”

“And I am, you’re saying?”

“That’s not what I’m saying, Tom. The bottom line is this: I do not want to believe in a hypocritical god. All these thousands…hell, millions are dying from cancer, murder, neglect….what sort of loving god allows this to happen?”

“But these people are now with God, Brad. This is what we all strive for…”

“Then why is it not okay to just kill ourselves if it’s better to be with god? Why don’t I just let the bad guys run amok and kill everyone, or why don’t I run around and shoot everyone so that they’ll be with god??

“and why did god, in his infinite wisdom, create a garden with everything we could want and then puts a tree in there that we are not supposed to touch and yet he knows we’re going to touch it?”

Tom cleared his throat but spoke quietly as my voice was rising, “He gave us free will, Brad.”

“Free Will? So he KNEW we were going to fail his little test and because we failed it, now we are destined to die? What a loving parent he is! Would you do that to your own children? Would you set them up in a room full of toys and put a running chainsaw in the middle of the room and tell them not to touch it even though you know they will? And when they eventually cut themselves in half you say, ‘oh well, they had free will’?”

“Bradley, that’s hardly the…”

“Don’t dismiss me, Tom! I need you as a friend, right now, not as a pastor.”

“I am your pastor, Brad.”

“And you’re asking me to become a pastor, Tom! How can you ask that of me when I have such deep doubts?”

Tom finished his beer and looked up into that night sky, “You remind me of me. That’s why, Brad. You want the truth so badly, you are willing to fight for it. You’ve got the fire for being a pastor; too many people have been lost from the church because their pastor was dull, uninterested, cliché and tired. Not you, you are on fire. I’ve pictured you up there giving a sermon, Brad. I’ve watched you with fellow congregation members. You are truly a caring person.”

“I really don’t think I was meant for that.” I said quietly, “I wish I could just pull my faith back to where it was. But the evidence is clear to me. He doesn’t care about us down here, Tom. I really believe that.”

“That makes me very sad.” He said looking at me straight in the eye, “But I have faith that you’ll return…when you’re ready.”

“I don’t…but who am i?”

“You’re always welcome back at church. It is your home.”

I only shook my head, “I think I would be an even bigger hypocrite if I kept going. I don’t think I could face anyone there.”

There was nothing more to say between Tom and I. It saddened me greatly, because he had a big influence on my spiritual life. Now that my spiritual life was empty and I wasn’t willing to listen to anything he had to say, it was time for me to move on.

“God cares about you, Brad.” He said as I walked towards the door, “You may not feel it, you may not see it. But He does. I pray that He will open your eyes again and I will have my friend walking through the front doors of the church again.”

“Don’t waste your breath, Tom.” I said without turning around, “No one is listening. He will deal with the lot of us, when we’re worm food.”

The night seemed a lot darker that evening. The air colder and with less oxygen. I felt a sense of loss which only made me angrier. I never went back, emailed a few times with Tom just to catch up with family news, but the friendship isn’t what it used to be.

You can all believe what you want to believe. I envy the ones who are compassionate about their faith. There isn’t enough of that around. The ones that ride the fence post do not have my respect. So whatever makes you move forward, hold onto it. Be it science, be it Buddha, Allah, Jesus, God, L. Ron Hubbard, Jehovah, Bringham Young, the elements, the earth, etc. Just don’t hesitate to ask questions when the moment arrives, when everything you gave your heart to turns out to be a lie.

 

Author's Note

this was the pivitol moment when i decided that everything i was told as the truth, was really a lie.

Reviews

[Samuel Dickens]

This is an outstanding piece of writing--stark, biting and intense. The conversation is real and flows like a river.
On the subject--A lot of people think like you, Brad. I've also thought along the exact, same lines.
What about this; there is no god, no omnipotent hand that moves across the earth, affecting all things. There is only nature. Millions of years of evolution---that's all. A flower blooms in the spring, then withers and dies. A zebra is born, beautiful and perfect like the flower, but a lion kills and eats it. Is this cruelty? Is this mindless thing we call "nature" cruel and heartless, or is this just the way things must be in order for all life to exist? Throughout our lives, good and bad things happen, and I'm not sure anyone or anything is to blame. You know, like some of those well-known religious blow-hards that say the tsunami swamped those people because they were the wrong religion or they liked to dance or some such nonsense. The towers fell because New Yorker's were too accepting of gays, etc. Or those who say "God is on our side". To me, that's all B.S. I didn't blame God for giving me heart disease and pulling the rug out from under me at age 43. I was used to adversity, so I just hoped for the best and went on. Twenty years later, I'm still here. All those reckless years that I drove drunk and tempted death almost daily didn't end my life--why? How did I ever survive a childhood of locking myself in ice boxes, playing with matches and near-drownings? Did I just get lucky and beat all those odds? How about you--how many times should you have died by now? Looking at all of this, I have to conclude that there is an unseen force that moves among us. I think it's God, but but won't insist that everyone calls it that. Whatever you want to call him, her or it is fine, I think. Does it even matter? That's my two cents, Brad, but you already knew a lot about my beliefs. Personally, I think you and I both have been kept around for a reason.

[Michael of Gilead]

Bah!....I really don't know what you were taught or what you believed at one point, but it's pretty obvious that god doesn't dip into everyones lives on an everyday basis....you can pray all day and night, but you will never get an object or desire you've prayed for...i think thats pretty self evident...and perhaps one day you will have a brush with something and you will call it god...but it's likely not....god is not of this world so don't expect him to be saving kitties from trees and making everyone happy.....obviously you and many others do not truely understand free will......but the most important thing i could tell you about god is this.....

god helps those who help themselves.....

and surprise it does not mean god is going to help you...it means your faith will make you stronger and able to do what you have to...gods not in the business of picking your happy a*s up every time you fall down...do for yourself, stop expecting or crying out for help "god help me" or "god if you'll just get me out of this"

Enlightened? Ok, beaming back up to the mothership.........................

[Zeek4]

I'm envious of people that take comfort in their faith. What a handy tool to have when you need it. Sadly, my brain won't allow me to let go of logical thinking. I think physicist are on a better track to find out the meaning of it all, rather than a guy with a funny hat entrapped by a well scripted dogma. Your story was very thought provoking and the dialogue was natural and believable. Good job. I don't know if anyone has pointed it out to you, but you have something god awful on your face.

[paul]

haha, the ending made me laugh. yet another side to you. an interesting philosophical debate, presented in your brilliant dialogue style

[indu]

Very hard on topic and you nailed it :-) interesting work

[indu]

i don't believe in free will either. if humans had so much of free-will , couldn't we just stop breathing at will .
Bad stuff happens, we blame God. Good stuff happens, oh oh..everything by God's grace. Whye can't we see everything with the same eye. Good or bad, its all the same for the mind.
And why should we plead God for this and that and everything?
Perhaps, God would also love the idea of getting some unconditional love. Can't we love and appreciate God for everything and anything and not just want him to do stuff for us?

[Allen Smuckler]

This is really quite a powerful, revealing passage...it also hits home like a battering ram...I too went through this when I was bout 15, maybe 16 years old...when my faith in Religion went south and really has never returned. I want to believe in a God and find myself praying (mostly when I need something) because I want to believe that there is more than this. We all do and always have. We need to have something or someone to believe in, to hold on to, to try to explain the unexplainable so we can learn to see ourselves through and beyond, and feel safe on our journey.. Whatever works is ok.
I believe this short story expresses some of the same doubts, questions, and fears. Depending on how much indoctrination and brainwashing you encountered over the years, will determine if you can ever forgive and look forward.
I don't blame anyone who follows their beliefs and doctrines as long as they don't hurt or force others to believe as they do. You have the right to believe in not believing. Just try to understand why they did it.
allen

[KAREN]

Intresting write, very intense! I don't understand why God lets things happen to good people, but I look around at the good things and I choose to believe. It's confusing I know, but I do believe that God is real and one day all questions will be answered if you're saved and have that home in heaven. I really did enjoy your story and do hope you find your faith! I think of you is one of my best friends on this site!

[.]

it is a place that I stood Brad..questions unanswered and totally at a loss to explain the way God was explained to me..I found my answers..and I am happy with my 'faith'. Your writing was powerful, personal and poignant..One day I am sure that we will see the truth..and then there will be a lot of people thinking..really??