A Thousand Little Cuts

The unseen scars we carry linger for life. But do not define us completely. It is our bravery in which we choose to live with them, and not for them.

A Thousand Little Cuts

By

Carlos Lorenzo Estrada 

(Abreaction)

A thousand little cuts I bleed 

in wounds you can not see

In leather belts and iron buckles 

that lashed and slashed at me

For past is so unshakable 

from trauma left behind 

An unloved child abused and hurt 

exists in broken mind

No dreams of flying with angel wings 

will ever fill my sleep 

As scars and faded bruises mend

bring no comfort to tears I weep 

Yet, despite this life I've been given 

I choose not hate nor blame 

My only wish is a selfless hope 

no child feels this shame

A thousand little cuts I have 

that time will never heal

They numb me to this world I know 

and love I'll never feel

 

Author's Note

I do not want to open old wounds in others but simply wish to recognize them, as I do my own in this cathartic piece of poetry. And bring comfort to the readers who may see their pain in these words of understanding. It is not enough to acknowledge one who has lived through child abuse as a survivor. Instead they in their silent ways exemplify what it is to be brave. For in the brokenness and irreparable damage they have lived through and will continue to do so for the remainder of their lives there is a profound strength and grace that defines their soul. They are quiet heroes, much like my older brother Albert, who doesn't truly know the admiration I have for him. And how it has allowed me to find a compromise to my own suffering within the acceptance of my haunted past. I may not dream of angel wings, but he gives me faith they are there. CLE

Reviews

[Marvin Thomas Cox-Flynn..]

Tragically touching in respect of this world in which we live, and most beautifully expressed and written ... Bravo Carlos!

Marve

[Carlos Lorenzo Estrada]

Thank you, Marve, for taking the time to read this difficult piece of writing, as well as sharing your thoughts. I truly appreciate it. There is a catharsis in the scars of our old wounds we carry. In time and age we come to understand why we are the way we are. Broken, but deserving of love and understanding. Like an old stuffed teddy bear missing a button eye. For me art has been the act of healing. To express the pain and put these words out on paper. And to read them over and over again so the shame has less power over me. The stigma of victimization can last a lifetime. But to move past such tragedy one must accept what has happened and move away from simply trying to bury it. Because turning those scars into ghosts will only haunt you for the rest of your life. Bravery is the act of overcoming or meeting an insurmountable action or tragedy with uncompromising heart and pressing forward despite these obstacles. I come to a point in life where I have accepted mine, and if any of these words within this poem can help anyone else then writing them has been my greatest achievement. Thank you kindly again. CLE

[William Michael Reeves]

No, you are not alone. We have no control over our childhood, then it has a way of controlling the adults we become. We hide the scars of past under garments of now, living the best we can. But when we stand before the mirror of self, naked in reflection, the wounds weep as they are still seen. Time heals our skin thick with perspective, but minds and hearts are too fragile to withstand abuse. Maybe your brother should know how much you admire him. He may also have the same admiration for you, and together spread your wings.

The subtitle is mysterious. Abreaction? A brave reaction maybe? This is some powerful personal poetry Carlos. I never know what to expect when I come to your pages, but I know it will touch me. You've struck my own cuts.

[Carlos Lorenzo Estrada]

Thank you William for the generosity of your words. Being born in the mid 60's and living through those turbulent times of the 70's were vastly different than today's world. Some things were more tolerated and seen with a mild oblivious acceptance. The screams from other paper houses were often drowned out by tv remote controls. People kept to their own privacy back then. Even going to school with bruises very little was asked because back in those times it was just an acceptable part of life. I remember my mom running outside down the street screaming after a beating from my father. No one did anything. Times truly have changed. In a thousand little cuts I'm reminded of those closed curtains behind every house and neighborhood. The silence and indifference. The acceptance of such behavior within a society. Where we all in the end become victims to ourselves. The scars we carry are often deeper then any residual mark upon the skin. Those in time fade, but not the wound beneath that remains. It is both malignant and cancerous. I wrote this as a 57 year old man remembering and being haunted by my past. It is unfathomable to imagine how many are like me, of all ages, burdened with such anguish. I want them to know their pain matters, as much as they do in this world. Art is the height of our greater nature and aspirations. It is as profoundly beautiful in its light, as it is in its darkness. Its relevance only as equal as its honesty. To me I write not out of ambition, but out of hope. I want this to be a better world than what I was born into. And most importantly I want those who suffer abuse to live believing the same. Because I know in my heart they have so much beauty and hope to give of their own. Nothing has liberated me more from my own pain than expressing honestly the depths of these scars. Writers Cafe defines a place of community and where art thrives in optimism as well as hope. It's also a place where a small poem like "A thousand little cuts" can find a home and perhaps touch just one single heart and let it know...they are not alone.

[Hickory Dickory]

This is such a powerful poem, and unfortunately relatable to so many. I love where you said "I choose not to hate nor blame" as this is a very mature approach to trauma that many are unable to do, and it shows a strong character who is able to do this. The imagery in this poem is amazing. Thank you for writing this, it's very moving.

[Carlos Lorenzo Estrada]

Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with me. Your poem is just as incredible and powerful as well. I was moved by your words. Art should always do that to its audience. Make a profound and meaningful connection. Because at its heart it is revealing and uncompromising in its origin. It is one heart speaking to another. Brave is the poet who has lived their words and stood undaunted by them. CLE

[Coyote Poetry]

Powerful and worthwhile thoughts shared and written Carlos.
"A thousand little cuts I have
that time will never heal
They numb me to this world I know
and love I'll never feel"
The above lines. Tell a honest truth. Something, we cannot forget or forgive. Thank you for sharing the amazing poetry and your thoughts.
Coyote

[Carlos Lorenzo Estrada]

Thank you my friend for the kind comment on this poem. I admire your work because you speak of your experiences in such moving heartfelt ways. In poetry. You lay it all out on the line and uncompromising. Revealing who you are in both good and difficult times. These are life lessons that can educate young hearts. It takes a special writer brave enough to be so revealing. To reveal their scars. It's why I enjoy your work my friend.

[Neville]

................................ it should never ever happen, but it does and far too often .. very moving my friend .. Neville

[Carlos Lorenzo Estrada]

Thank you Neville and I totally agree with you my friend.

[Ken Simm.]

Empathy is so here. Understanding is so here. Speaking as a beaten child it was all there was . It was how it was until we realised that forgiveness was the catharsis.

[Carlos Lorenzo Estrada]

Thank you Ken and yes your words are so very true. In order to move forward in life from such tragedy one must learn to forgive. Not just their abuser but themselves as well. And that may be the hardest part of it all. Because the truest sincerity of forgiveness must begin with self. It is much like love. One can not love until they learn to love themselves. It has been literally a lifetime to learn this truth. But I have come to accept this. I had wrote this as a message for anyone who may come across these words and find them resonating within their heart. As a survivor of abuse I know the emptiness one feels and shame. And in the false belief they are undeserving of love. There is a love inside them they have yet to realize. One that gave them the hope to move forward despite the obstacles they endured. That in my eyes is brave. CLE

[Ken Simm.]

What you say is so true. Thanjyou.

[Stella Armour]

Carlos, in bringing this out you have been very brave,
i hope if even in a small way it has been cathartic for you and you have gained strength by sharing it.
I found that evey time i was mentally abused it brought me down as a child but then the sheer realisation that it wasn't my fault as i grew older helped me gain strength and that strength has got stronger at each hurdle in my life as i hope it will do for you ..... always be kind Carlos never bring hurt mentally or physically to anyone .

[Carlos Lorenzo Estrada]

Thank you kindly for your comment Stella. As I draw nearer towards 60 I feel that I have come to terms with these little ghosts of my past. I've accepted them, these small scars. They haunt me less because I've grown to understand their purpose. And in doing so find my own in this world. I wrote this as a reminder of that and an acknowledgement of past pain not defining me per se but illuminating that which resides in us all. Our better selves. In my brokenness the cracks are my stronger character traits. Because within them are hope. And what defines hope more is the love for something greater. It's that belief we cling to as human beings and that makes life worth living for. CLE

[Stella Armour]

so true Carlos, you cannot and must not let the past define you ..

[Betty Hermelee]

I feel your pain Carlos and you've expressed it so honestly and elegantly, and i truly believe that this torment has to have lasting effect on your life in many ways....I work with abused and neglected children and sometimes it's agonizing to know their stories...and how will transpire as adults....this is a heartfelt piece that really gets to my soul...and I'm so happy that your writing is so candid...loved it.
Warmly, B

[Carlos Lorenzo Estrada]

Thank you Betty. I so value your thoughts on this because of the work you do. You see this in the eyes of children who were abused. These words are written in our hearts. They come from the torture endured. That cause a false belief that we are undeserving of love. Child abuse is a generational disease. One passed from my father, from his. It is an unbearable stigma and one that has lingering and lasting effects throughout life. It has ruined every relationship I have ever had. Because when you are beaten to the point you have no love to give then there is none left in order to heal. We are left in self loathing and denial. Believing we are undeserving of a simple kindness. That the act of love is pain and hurt. The hardest part of healing is letting go of the shame. To learn to love myself and believe I deserve to be. That I am not my father or his before him. That I am just me. I had always been haunted by that little abused scared boy I was. He was my scar, my ghost. But he's not anymore. I said this before and I say it again. I'm too old to hate and live in fear. I can only love now. This poem was written for those who feel they are broken and that no one can understand their pain. That's not true. They are brave; and so are those that choose to love them as well. CLE

[Betty Hermelee]

You're so welcome dear Carlos.... your words are mean so much to me...
Warmly, B
Please read "At Bridges End"

[emmajoygreen]

There is unintentional heroism yet absolute empathy in your words. Wish I could say more but - your poem has hit home.

[Carlos Lorenzo Estrada]

As a victim of child abuse I can only say that these words do not belong to me, but are a part of us. They are innate, ingrained, beaten from residual scars that are generational. From my father to his, and beyond. I believe the true heroes are not just the survivors, but those who choose to love them despite our brokenness. These words are intended to be a cry to why it is difficult for one who has been abused to find any stability in a loving relationship. Because love requires sacrifice, and when it has been beaten out of you as a child you have nothing left to give. It has taken years to find mental stability in order to learn the most truthful point of this all. We can not learn to love until we learn to love ourselves. That includes the deeper beautiful scars we carry. Those that define who we are. We can waste our time hating and denying their existence, but one will waste years on that endeavor. And I'm just too damn old to hate anymore. I have let my shame go and I just want to live in peace with the broken parts of me. To show that I'll never be my father, and have that fear hanging over me as a possibility. That I'm free from that. And I'm just me. I believe these words are written in the heart of every abused child...as a sign for hope and acceptance. They deserved to be loved. Thank you so much Emmajoy for reading and sharing your thoughts with me. I truly appreciate it. CLE

[emmajoygreen]

My hope and prayers travel with you.. if you allow them.

[W. Barrett Munn]

What I most admire in this offering are the elisions that help create the rhythm.
Well done.

Winston

[Carlos Lorenzo Estrada]

Thank you so much Winston for taking the time to read and share your thoughts with me. This was a difficult write and had been just as tough to read for the past two years since it was completed. To me the message is the most vital and important aspect of writing. It has to have a semblance of truth and honesty in order to resonate with the audience. Whether simple composition or complex it's up to the reader to emphasize and find relevance in the words. We as writers can only speak from our experience. Not all of it good, nor bad. But simply a piece of us. I can't say enough how much I admire the art my peers here produce. Including your work as well my friend. There is a wisdom in all these works from this community of artists that I have an admiration for. They are lessons in life that we share in hopes they touch a part of the reader's heart. They are us. CLE