Linger...

Just some words

Linger...

By

Carlos Lorenzo Estrada 

I don't hear the cries anymore 

What lingers are ghost sound

White noise; in a dark room

In the box of my morose

I don't see smiles trapped on faces

Placid skin taut on contour frame

The detritus beneath my fingernails 

I work to bleed these things of me

I shun all those that I love

They bring me little comfort 

I breathe as if I'm falling 

Manic palpatating breaths

Residual in remnant despair 

Isolation soothes my apathy

Fear hollows my sleep

Eyelids heavy unclosed

There's a stone I carry

Where my heart would be 

Oppressive and stifling

My will to concede 

Will the sun find me cold

Or warm again, tomorrow 

Author's Note

I once had someone ask me to describe the emotional turmoil of depression. I couldn't find the words and still can't. It simply haunts me. Also, word of advice. Sylvia Plath was a very wonderful writer but I would suggest reading her poetry only if you are in the right mindset. Maybe view a Bob Ross painting first to find your zen before partaking in her art in words. Don't do as I did reading her poems at 3 A.M with the lights turned off in a dark room while sipping on a dr pepper. If it had gotten any darker I would have had to turn on my SpongeBob nightlight. Dee-pressing.

Reviews

[JE Falcon]

A dark place this poem. --- Depression is a state of mind, some say, but I found it to be a shadow who silently slipped up on me when I was out of work and lacked inspiration. So, like Lear, the father of the 8-Track and the Lear-Jet, I filled my life with work that I enjoyed doing and that inspired me to innovate. Oh, and vacations to scenic, drivable, places, I'm not big on flying.

[Carlos Lorenzo Estrada]

I also have a fear of flying myself J.E. Depression is such a dark place of solitude one can find themselves in. Plath wrote such haunting and mesmeric art from within that place, but it is truly a state one does not want to linger within for very long. I myself suffer from manic depression and have most of my life. It is a god awful disease as most afflictions of the mind are. Thank you my friend for sharing your thoughts with me on this poem.

[shadrach hah]

Hi Carlos, I have to say, depression does sing within your words. You get to the heart of the dreaded disease, the darkness that can snuff out life so easily. U don't think anyone can get truly to the depths of depression but you come close with these deep words. So many suffer from this, what can be a debilitating disease. Only one who has been there could write such a descriptive poem on the topic. Your write fills the heart with deepest emotion, deep sadness. Have a wonderful evening....Mike.

[Carlos Lorenzo Estrada]

Thank you Mike for your thoughts on this poem. I suffer from manic depression and have for most of my life. It is a difficult disease to endure during its darker moments. Even with these words written I feel I have not adequately described the pain one suffers through from this malady of the mind. It truly is a lonely disease. Thank you kindly for your words on this poem.

[shadrach hah]

Hi Carlos, you are most welcome. It is always hard to try and put your feelings of this disease into words. Being a sufferer, you have done well. I know there is no way you can fully write on this topic, it affects you in ways you cannot describe. I wish you well always, my friend. Have a wonderful Friday....Mike

[Ruth]

I so understand and relate, I have suffered such for many years now and not come up with such an amazing, invading description as this is Carlos. Excellent piece, vivid, visceral, engulfing actually - just like depression, you voiced it so deeply...stay well my friend :)

[Carlos Lorenzo Estrada]

Thank you Ruth for sharing your thoughts and struggle with this horrible malady of the mind. It leaves one living a life in stasis where time has little meaning and every moment feels like a dark room of pure misery. Even now reading this poem again feels like I have not adequately described this vile disease properly. Thank you so much again for your kind thoughts and I wish you well too.

[David Plantinga]

There's a tempo to these two line stanzas that marks them off from the rest. They vary in the syllable count but somehow it's more than that. A lot of it is probably the assonance and consonance across the lines. "detritus" balances "fingernails" and the same vowels appear again and again. It's this and probably more than makes the sound and sense coincide.

[Carlos Lorenzo Estrada]

Thank you David for your insightful thought on this piece. There is a coherence in the mind of one suffering through depression. It knowingly kills you slowly. The sufferer is always aware of their mental malady. Though a dissonance resides between mind and reality in a sense especially manic depressive they are fully aware of their disease and its destructive nature. There is a rythm to it. Harrowing and perceptive a sound. The hearing of one's heartbeat over and over again with its weight pressuring every fiber of being. It's like being held down by a giant invisible hand slowly constricting you and there is nothing one can do to stop it. I had hoped these written words would echo and resonate within the reader to best understand what this pernicious disease does to the victim's mind. It was by intent like a dark song. One we hear and feel over and over again from this disease. Thank you so much for reading and sharing your thoughts with me on this piece. I truly appreciate it.

[andrew mitchell]

The invisible weight on mind, depression. Well written Carlos.

[Carlos Lorenzo Estrada]

Thank you Andrew. It is a malady I have suffered with for most of my life. Despite knowing this disease intimately I still feel I did not describe it as horrible and destructive as it is. Thank you again for your comment.

[Coyote Poetry]

Once I sought happiness, now I seek quiet.
"Will the sun find me cold
Or warm again, tomorrow"
I ask the same question above daily Carlos. Thank you for sharing the amazing poetry and your thoughts.
Coyote

[Carlos Lorenzo Estrada]

Thank you CP for commenting on this poem. It was difficult to write and I wasn't sure if I was going to submit this poem at the time because of its theme. It seems to have resonated with quite a few people. Depression is a difficult subject to write about and I still feel I haven't adequately described the full scope of this pernicious disease. Thank you again for sharing your thoughts on this poem with me my friend.

[Coyote Poetry]

I am glad you did and you are welcome Carlos.

[Pete]

very heavy. i felt every bit of this most unwelcomed burden. i know what it is like. excellent capture of its full weight ... :)

[Carlos Lorenzo Estrada]

Thank you Pete for your thoughts on this poem. This was a bit difficult to write because it's difficult to put into words what depression feels like to others who may not understand this disease. I have had this most of my life and still feel that this poem didn't truly capture all the suffering entailed within this malady of the mind. It is burdensome and heavy in its morose.

[Pete]

i too suffer with it ... :)

[Cherrie Palmer]

Shadow dancing with the wind...

[Carlos Lorenzo Estrada]

Thank you Cherrie for your comment I truly appreciate it. I myself am manic depressive and I wanted to try and capture some of its struggles. I still feel I have not done justice to this pernicious disease of the mind. The war continues. Thank you again.

[Cherrie Palmer]

You did a excellent job capturing a ever changing emotion. I found your poem graceful and clear.

[Sami Khalil]

I can relate to your words and to a tee and partake in your paths to take. You have done much in terms of awareness of this difficult condition in a marvelous poetic style. All you described to the other reviewers I went through and still going through. Poetry helped me a lot but still long ways to go. Bless you my friend. Keep up the noble fight.

[Carlos Lorenzo Estrada]

Thank you Sami for sharing a bit of your struggle with this awful disease called depression. It's something I fight against on a daily basis but I find writing or anything that involves creativity to be a useful tool in helping me cope with it. I myself find it a bit odd that the entirety of my writing comes from a mind struggling against a dark emptiness and negativity that resides within it. I guess one can truly find light in the darkness. Thank you again my friend for sharing your thoughts.

[Sami Khalil]

All possible. Nothing to rule out. You are welcome my friend...

[Annette Pisano-Higley]

"Fear hollows my sleep
Eyelids heavy unclosed

There's a stone I carry
Where my heart would be

Oppressive and stifling
My will to concede"

I recognize that state of oppressive fear so well dear Carlos, I , as do many, suffer from depression and insomnia. I've learned to limit any sad or negative unnecessary stimuli from my life because it reverberates internally in an endless loop. Ere go, Sylvia is no longer my go to poet despite her greatness. You have done an excellent job in your incredible poem, to accurately describe the void and state of darkness that "haunts" one. Thank you for helping more people to understand the suffering of this affliction. And oh yes- Sponge Bob or any such nightlight always helps:))!

[Carlos Lorenzo Estrada]

Thank you Annette for such a kind empathetic statement. I truly appreciate it. It was my wish those that may not understand the wicked nature of depression know what those who suffer through it have to deal with. Simply saying of comfort do little to soothe fractured minds dealing with this pernicious disease. If anything it makes matters worse. It is not an ailment one can just get over. This is a disorder that is permanent and one must learn to navigate and regulate through in life. I have been manic depressive most of my 56 years of life. It has taken years to come to terms with it and learn to live with it. Not allow it to overwhelm my life or cripple me. Writing and any creative art helps me in this endeavor. Hearing a sympathetic understanding voice like yours is very helpful in the journey to overcome these demons of the mind. Thank you so much for sharing a bit of your journey with me. I truly appreciate it.

[Annette Pisano-Higley]

May God bless and comfort you dear Carlos. You are a wonderful writer and have conveyed a description of depression that is so on-point and understandable. It will certainly help many others. Bravo.