Chemical Suicide

See author's note for further details on the inspiration for this piece.

Chemical Suicide 

By 

Carlos Lorenzo Estrada 

I wanna take a ride

On my chemical suicide 

A simple little prick 

Who cares if it makes me sick

Tighten the wire on my arm.

Find a vein to prod and harm.

Let go

Ride the flow

Watch God and the Devil 

playing checkers on a table

See Nature dance like Salome 

In a palace of martyrs on midsummer day

Emancipate my wretched soul

In a universal scream of lost control 

A Buddhist annihilation of Nirvana

On a sea of roses and belladonna 

Sing with the demons of my repression 

Wailing shards of glass reflection 

A nihilistic dream of frenzied fantasy

Devastating all the best parts of me

To become the universe in singular thought

Contract, erupt, in orgasmic fraught

I want to walk upside down 

Beneath the stars and reach of sound

Cast myself into the void of nothing

Kiss the angels and leave them blushing 

Dance on the head of a pin

Find absolution in all my sin

Feel karmic indulgence within this pain

Manifest infinity in drops of rain

To know that I exist 

In a fucked up world as this

I just wanna to ride

On my chemical suicide. 

Author's Note

In 1978 an uncle of mine passed away from a heroin overdose. I didn't know him very well and when I think of him it's only in this regard. He was found on a lawn chair with a plastic tube loosely wrapped around his arm on a summer day. His younger brother at the wake said that he is now probably kissing the angels. I found it a bit odd of a statement with all things considered and being a stern catholic boy. But growing up later in life I recognize the imperfections and frailties we are haunted with. We are not bad people for them, but simply human. Thank you for reading this poem and feel free to leave your thoughts on this poem.

Reviews

[Sam]

Wow!!!! This has me in complete and utter awe. This is beautifully written! I am an addict in recovery (almost 2 years clean!) and I have never related more to a piece of writing until now. This resonates deeply with me and I am quite simply at a loss for words. This is amazing. Keep up the amazing work!

[Carlos Lorenzo Estrada]

Thank you Sam for you kindest of words. I truly appreciate it. This piece was inspired by an uncle who passed away in the late 1970's from a heroin overdose. He was found on a lawn chair with the thin rubber tube loosely wrapped around his arm. At his wake his younger brother, also an addict, said his brother is now kissing the angels. Addiction is hereditary in my family most suffer through it. From alcohol, sex, and drugs. I am manic depressive and because of my fear of addiction I refuse to take any medication. Writing has been my drug of choice finding comfort in the stories and poetry I write. You are truly such a brave person Sam. I hope you know that. For an addict it is difficult to ever admit and acknowledge they have a problem. I commend you for your recovery and the struggles you fight every day against this pernicious disease. I wish my uncles could have been as brave and strong as you.

[shadrach hah]

Hi Carlos, I am not an addict and I never will be. Your emotions come forward so strong within this write. The message is so powerful in itself. I do feel for anyone who falls into addiction, the well of hell. How low must one feel to become a true addict? I will never know. Your poem is raw, real and honest. Addiction is a sorrow upon this earth. We are all human beings. Have a wonderful Friday....Mike.

[Carlos Lorenzo Estrada]

Thank you kindly Mike for sharing your thoughts on this poem. Addiction runs rampant in my family unfortunately. Either drugs or alcohol or even both. I have lost two uncles from drug addiction it is a vile disease. I myself do not take drugs or even drink alcohol because of my fears of addiction. It's made dealing with my depression a bit limited because of my refusal towards medication for it. But I would rather go crazy than die eventually from addiction. Writing and creativity has been an antidote for the most part against my malady. Thank you again for your thoughts.

[shadrach hah]

Hi Carlos, you are welcome. I am glad you have some way of trying to tackle your depression. Let the mind and heart sing as they will. Have a wonderful Saturday....Mike.

[Ananya Rao]

I am not an addict, but neither is anyone in my family, and yet I understand or at least I can imagine what you must have felt when you wrote this, it's art...

[Carlos Lorenzo Estrada]

Thank you Ananya for your nice comment on this poem I truly appreciate it. I have several family members who are addicts of different types. A couple of my uncles past away from drug addiction. They were the ones who inspired this poem. I myself have never taken drugs and I had asked them why they did. Why were they allured by the use of powerful narcotics and both of them told me much of what this poem describes. It is horrible to visually see the destructive power of drug abuse up close and how it killed them. Writing this poem to me gave voice to their spirit as a reminder to why they chose the path they did. For they would rather live in a chemical world than in the real world. And to me I found that profoundly sad. Thank you again for your thoughts.

[prometheus]

A beautifully written poem. It really draws on a spectacular message. Thank you so much for the review as well it is appreciated

[Carlos Lorenzo Estrada]

Thank you for your kind thoughts on this poem I really appreciate it.

[Kathy Mc Cathy]

Obsession and adiction , both such can be poison to humanity if not kept in check ...this is a very important problem in our society.. brings sorrow and grief to us and still continues to ...
A very thought provoking write Carlos ...

Kathy

[Carlos Lorenzo Estrada]

Thank you Kathy for your thoughts on this poem. Addiction is such a pernicious vile disease. It destroys every part of you slowly as well as the relationships you have. My uncle who inspired this poem died in his early 30's from a heroin overdose back in about 1978. By the time it took him he had already lost everything in his life. Many of the things described in this poem was told to me by his younger brother who was also an addict. I refuse to take any medication because Addiction runs in my family. I don't have to imagine what families have to endure when dealing with this disease I know first hand. Thank you again for sharing your thoughts on this work.

[Chris Shaw]

Our family has been rocked by the curse of addiction. It wrecks beyond all measure. No they are not bad people, they are sick people. They ruin their own lives and suck their own families into the abysmal chaos. Twenty years ago I knew several who died before reaching their 25th birthday. Intelligent, thoughtful people who lost their way. An absolute tragedy. Your words Carlos bring it all back. Yes, chemical suicide. They know the risks, but they still do it any way. Masterfully penned I might add.

Chris

[Carlos Lorenzo Estrada]

Thank you Chris for sharing a personal anecdote on this subject. Addiction runs rampant in my family unfortunately. Two relatives passed away from drug use and many suffer from it or other forms of addiction. This was inspired by n uncle who died bach in the late 70's from a heroin overdose. It's why I refuse to take any kind of medication for my manic depression. I'm just to scared to become addicted to any prescribed medication. Writing is my preferred drug to handle my depression. It has helped me so much. Thank you again for your comment I really appreciate it.

[.]

Addiction a curse on humanity....and I fail to understand how people can come under its clutch ...for which reason! You portrayed it so vividly...it's a pain that our society should constantly work against it.It is ruining so many lives...feels sad!

[Carlos Lorenzo Estrada]

You are absolutely correct a couple of uncles of mine passed away from drug use and quite a few members suffer from addiction too. I myself do not do drugs or alcohol either. I have such a strong fear that I may end up becoming addicts like them. It is such a vile disease to suffer from. Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this poem my friend. I really appreciate it.

[Mauricio Montoya]

Wow deep in thought, I've seen many and not to far to go, some die in my arms to remember. Thank you for sharing.

[Carlos Lorenzo Estrada]

Thank you Mauricio for your comment on this poem I truly appreciate it. I have lost a few relatives from addiction. It runs in my family. It's why I won't take any medications because I'm afraid I will become addicted as well. This poem was written for my uncle that died in the late 1970's from a heroin overdose. He was about 32 yrs old. It is an awful burden on a family to deal with such loss. Thank you again for sharing your thoughts on this poem.

[Mauricio Montoya]

Me,too,but in our hearts 💕 is hope, thank you brother for being real.

[barleygirl]

Out of all the ways people can inadvertently kill themselves, drug overdose seems to be the big mystery to me & you paint it as exactly that enticing yet threatening mystery that I often imagine it to be. I respect your need to express the deep topics that tug on your soul, which you do well & with dignity (((HUGS)))

[Carlos Lorenzo Estrada]

Thank you Margie for the kind support. As the old saying goes 'write what you know' and I tend to do just that. Addiction is rampant within my family tree. We have drug addicts, sex addicts, and alcoholics as well. Growing up I witnessed first had the aftermath of many of the addictions and their destructive nature on family members. My father was alcoholic and an abuser who would often hit me in a blind drunken rage. I don't ever want to know the allurement of a chemical high. Despite being manic depressive I refuse to take any medication for it because of the profound fear I have of addiction. Writing has given me a sense of comfort and peace. I guess words have become my addiction. Thank you so much for your kindness I truly appreciate it.

[barleygirl]

Thank you for sharing so raw & honest . . .

[Betty Hermelee]

John this to me is a very impressive, deep meaning poem; I know a man who committed suicide a few weeks ago, leaving a partner and a 4 yr old son. I know people who use drugs to heal their pain, their depression, their sad situation; I work with children of drug- infested parents who cannot rehab themselves….I understand the “ high” it gives you, but is it with the addiction? Some people suffer so much that drug overdose is the only way out. So sad. Thanks for sharing.🌠💊

[Carlos Lorenzo Estrada]

Thank you Betty for sharing your thoughts on this poem. I myself have seen addiction up close and personal through many family members who suffer from its grasp. It's why I refuse to take any medication for fear I too would become an addict. I had one uncle who had such a powerful addiction to alcohol he would drink bottles of men's cologne if he couldn't get his hands on booze. Or one of my aunts who would grow through relatives bathroom cabinets stealing any medication she could find. Addiction is such a horribly destructive disease. Thank you again for your comment.

[Betty Hermelee]

You’re very welcome Carlos; I too had a second cousin in law school who accidentally died of an overdose…so tragic, his life was just beginning….