The Days of Vice and Virtue

Dedicated to my Father, who suffered from a hereditary rage and anger he was unable to overcome in his life. But who I Iove and forgive.

The Days of Vice and Virtue

By

Carlos Lorenzo Estrada 

I can't remember when I loved you

Those moments fade to mind

I'm prisoner to these vices,

Both immoral and unkind

I broke you with my hands

Subservient to my need

Stripped away your humanity 

And caused your soul to bleed

Indifferent toward your suffering 

Found pleasure in your pain

The vows of love so long ago

Are far from my refrain

I'm lost in indiscretion 

Vile nature and conceit

Hid the world these simple facts

Found solace in deceit

But what profits the man who lost in life

And gained a heart of rage?

To destroy the better parts of him

Placed soul within a cage.

We yearn to be our better selves

Find virtue in that hope

To castigate and relegate 

And shame the hearts which broke.

But when will the sunrise

To reflect the better days?

To throw away these broken ties

And find our better ways.

You will find me there...

Author's Note

This was a difficult write but very important to bring to light. Often people wonder why anyone would put up with abuse regardless of the circumstances. But things, just like life and people, are complicated. We truly don't know what's in the heart's of both victim and abuser. All we are really left with in the aftermath is speculation and even if answered the reasons may still allude us. Years later near the end of my father's life he asked me for forgiveness...and all I could do as a son was hug him as he wept. Because by then I had come to understand some things...

Reviews

[Fabian G. Franklin]

I can relate slightly to this piece. My own father was a strict and troubled man, I think he was bi-polar and also suffered PTSD from his war experience, he was in a Navy Beach Battalion in World War II and fought in the Pacific Campaign. But I could catch glimmers of happiness in memories he shared and sometimes in experiences we shared together. He wasn't always angry or serious. Other times, he could be dark and brooding and lose his temper easily. I enjoyed the read. Like Don Henley, says in his song, Heart of the Matter, "I think it's about forgiveness"...and understanding goes a long way towards that goal for any of us. Thank you for the poetry.

[Carlos Lorenzo Estrada]

Thank you Fabian for sharing a bit of your experience in life. I can't remember a time I truly saw happiness in my father. It just was not his way. He was always a mean person then in his mid 30s he was diagnosed with a brain tumor and after his major surgery he had a stroke which left him completely paralyzed on the right side of his body. I believe work was the only thing that ever made him happy. Many of his friends expressed as much after his death saying he was the hardest worker they had ever known. Something haunted my father in life because had he not gone through the medical issues he had he would have drank himself to death eventually. He will always remain a mystery to me, as I believe it should. I have come to grace and found it in my heart to forgive him. The hard part was finding forgiveness in myself for holding onto this pain for many years now. Thank you my friend for your thoughts on this poem. I truly appreciate it.

[Fabian G. Franklin]

It was my pleasure to read. Bless. F.

[Lorry]

There are few guarantees in life and a safe and loving family home should be a universal constant for all, but it's a long way from should when you know that you're in the not so column of that equation.
It does take a lot to forgive and doing so shows that just because you didn't know that doesn't mean you can't break that chain and be the better man, of being different because of it and showing love and compassion, despite it being a stranger to your younger self.
Isn't a better self and better days what we should strive for and who knows, perhaps they did too and were caught in their own cycle too deeply to escape it.
Not being that person is success enough, don't you think?
Poignant and reflective words from the heart, showing compassion and understanding.

[Carlos Lorenzo Estrada]

Thank you Lorry for your insightful comment. Much of what you say is very true. Also the stigmas of abuse can't be allowed to go unrecognized. Culture can also play an inherent value to the cycle as well. Machismo and male dominance in relationships are very prevalent in the Hispanic culture. It is seen less as taboo and more acceptable behavior to be strong handed toward wives and significant others. This pattern filters downward toward children when mothers simply feel that corporal punishment to unruly kids is just common and no big thing. They perpetuate the cycle by treating it with indifference. It takes years to recognize and come to terms with these issues and to see you were not the cause of someone else's sickness. Thank you again for your thoughts.

[Chris Shaw]

Dear Carlos, I can appreciate how difficult it was in the circumstances for you to compose this piece. Abusers are often that way because they themselves have been abused. It is complicated. Your father asked for forgiveness, he acknowledged his wrong doing and you hugged him as he wept. You are compassionate, you reached out to him regardless of the pain he had caused you. Beautifully written, I hope by writing these lines, it has been therapeutic for you.

Chris

[Carlos Lorenzo Estrada]

Thank you Chris for your kindness and thoughts on this piece. It was very much cathartic writing this. From what little he could reason of his behavior without revealing things he did not want to share I was able to surmise that he indeed suffered from profound abuse himself. After his passing many of his siblings would admit as much. This writing though only reflects the look he gave to me before he broke down in his apology. He had come to realize the only one willing to take care of him after being confined to a wheelchair was the son he abused and mistreated. Though the inflicted pain does linger and always will I have forgiven him. Thank you so much again for your thoughts.

[Chris Shaw]

Forgiveness is wonderful. That tells me a great deal about you. I am sure your father loved you, even though he was an abuser. Some people hurt the ones they love most. Difficult to comprehend, but true.

[mattavelli]

Hello, Carlos! :)
This is lovely poetry. Thanks for sharing.

[Carlos Lorenzo Estrada]

Thank you Matt I really appreciate it. This was a bit difficult to write because this poem reflects the unsaid words I saw in my father's eyes. Next month will be a few years now since his passing. These words are perhaps a memorial of sorts from a longer goodbye. And they help bring me a closer peace in mind. I hope its message resonates with those who have undergone similar circumstances. We may never find any closure from answers given, but perhaps we can at least find a certain peace. Thank you so much again.