Manic

I make no secret of my battle with depression. Sometimes it makes for good art, sometimes I suffer for it. Unfortunately these days it is more prevalent a disease in society. See authors note.....

Manic

By

Carlos Lorenzo Estrada 

I am manic

It sends me in a panic

Voices, choices 

Call to me

Of confused thought

In Incongruity

A mind in fracture 

Unable to capture

Coherent thought

Of lessons taught

Sounds of ghosts escaped perception 

Callow, shallow, insanity's reflection

A multitude of images unkind

Design to break my troubled mind.

Sleep and suffer is my reprieve 

From a horde of demons which will not leave

In the mirror I see

A hideous legion of me.

Shattered in a million pieces 

Neurosis, psychosis, a scream that increases.

I laugh at the pain of others 

and cry at their laughter

A mindlessness of rage

In total disaster.

I'm a storm of dark frenzied distress

Burdened with emotions unable to suppress.

Empathy is not my savior 

And a bullet would only do me a favor

I bleed from open wounds inside my head

Life holds little purpose for a pyche that's dead.

I'm shunned, and I am feared

For screaming at the voices I often hear.

If you could for but a moment feel this pain.

Then you would understand the mind of an insane.

So I will suffer in a world of a thousand voices.

Incapable of determining the proper choices.

But who will hear my scream?

You?

Or only me...

Author's Note

Mental illness has become prevalent in current society due to recent events. I have in my comments before told of my battle with depression, which in all honesty has been a lifetime struggle. I know the illness well and it is a defining part of me. Part of coping is acknowledgement within self to understand your frailty. It does not mean you are weak. Simply that you are in pain. I'm a survivor of suicide. It's unseen scars remind me daily, who I am. I can not change these facts of me. I accept and embrace them. They are my beautiful scars. I write this not for sympathy or to cause concern or even sorrow. It is to understand the insidious nature of mental illness. We can not be indifferent toward those who suffer greatly from its grip. They are our brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers, friends, neighbors and in essence a part of all of us. No one should ever feel shamed for living with these diseases of the mind. It is a part of you...but it is not all of you. Thank you all for your generosity and kind thoughts as a community of talented writers. It is in our words we find our better selves.

Reviews

[Orphic dreamer]

“ Shattered in a million pieces
Neurosis, psychosis, a scream that increases.

I laugh at the pain of others
and cry at their laughter

A mindlessness of rage
In total disaster.”
This verse could not be any more hauntingly beautiful.

The eternal musings of sorrow by infinite voices in your crooked mind is indeed so perplexing to understand. Beautifully written!

[Carlos Lorenzo Estrada]

Thank you, so much for reading this work. I must be forthright with you on this. The words were inspired by my stay at the county psych ward after an attempted suicide in my early 20s. The screams coming from the other rooms mixed with the laughter defined the fracture of persona to me. The medication they gave me numbed my senses. When I stood before a mirror in a bathroom with no door the images that stared back were literally a multitude of me. I will never forget it for the rest of my life. We write what we know and what we know we write well of. It is my hope that no one who ever reads this experiences its actuality. Thank you so much for your comment and kindness for reading this work. I truly appreciate it.

[Orphic dreamer]

Every word you utter is so magical and wise... But just so you understand, there could have never been someone as strong as you to take such unpleasant burdens. I feel so joyous to read this masterpiece and to understand the anguish you have gone through while making it. No matter how hard it is, I know you will Climb past it, and see each experience as lessons.

[ExposedSiren]

I am currently in the process of a diagnosis that may end in me filling out forms for Bipolar medication, so this hit me really hard.. Starting Anti depressants is one thing, but the Ups are going to be a hard thing to miss, just as much as they can be a hard thing to endure. I appreciate your honesty in your writing..

[Carlos Lorenzo Estrada]

Thank you so much for your honesty and comment. I am sure that I speak for all of us here that you have all our support and well wishes. Stay strong and continue in your writing journey. Illness is just a small roadblock and does not define you and your art. You have been a writer before and you will continue to be after. Stay strong and positive and most importantly keep on writing.

[ExposedSiren]

Thank you, its been pushing me forward, but so have reading writers like you too

[Rhea Jane Bacus]

Those lines hit me too hard. I thank you for sharing this.

[Carlos Lorenzo Estrada]

Your poem did the same for me as well. Thank you for your comment and sharing your work with us here as well.

[Chris Shaw]

Dear Carlos, so many people suffering and now made far worse by the pandemic. It is indeed a curse and I am familiar with how utterly debilitating it can be because I have two family members who have experienced long term depression and anxiety. Your lines make clear how difficult life can become just facing day to day issues which other people take for granted. Thank you for highlighting mental health. Your couplets with rhyme describing all aspects of this illness. I am sorry to hear that you too are having to deal with this. All good wishes.

Chris

[Carlos Lorenzo Estrada]

Thank you, Chris, for your comment and kind words. I am nothing but resilient and a survivor in the face of this disease. I will always strive to be stronger then this depression that racks my mind. Like most long term illnesses I live with it but am not defined by it. Writing is a tremendous help towards understanding both myself and this illness. It helps me cope and now with maturity it has less hold on me. It will always be there and a part of my mind but it's more like faint whispers on the edges trying to incite the negativity within. It no longer has power over me because as I reflected in "Forgive" I have let those things go in my life. And learned to forgive myself for holding onto that pain for so long. It's the most important message I wish to pass on to others who may ever read these poems. I'm finally free.

[Chris Shaw]

You are certainly inspirational in how you have come to terms with this illness Carlos and you refuse to let it define you. I have always found writing to be therapeutic and I'm sure yours must be extremely beneficial to you. So pleased to hear you consider yourself free.

[Dave Brown]

It is a nasty business
As I age and take on more problems it does lurk in the background.
Saw a recent program about a native community in N, Manitoba where alcohol, drugs, depression and suicide are running rampant.
Must be an extremely difficult atmosphere in which to exist.
You seem to be a deep personality.
Hang in.
I am not really sure why there is life, but it can still be good.

[Carlos Lorenzo Estrada]

Thank you, Dave, for your kind thoughts on this work. I maintain my optimism through difficult times. Depression can lead to other mental disorders if not treated or kept in check. I remember in my early 20s going into the psychiatric ward after my suicide attempt. I went in 165 pounds 5 days later I was 95 pounds. I will never ever forget that. Looking at the mirror and seeing what I did to myself. It was horrifying. But I survived it and moved on. It was a profound experience and moment in my life, to lose myself in that way. To be shattered in mind. I sympathize with those going through mental illness because I understand the sickness and its debilitating effects. And I feel as a society we can do better to help those in crisis suffering through it. As well as remove the stigma of this disease. Thank you again for your thoughts, my friend.

[Robert Trakofler]

Ironically, I have been writing a story about a person that can not stop the myriad voices from resonating in his conscious. He would understand this poem intimately! (Okay maybe I do too) great flow and cadence in this piece

[Carlos Lorenzo Estrada]

Thank you, Robert, for your thoughts on this work. It is unconscionable how we treat people with mental illness in our society. Currently here in Northern California we are experiencing a large amount of homelessness due to the pandemic. And because of that many are experiencing mental health issues as well. Instead of helping people are indifferent to them. They are treated as if they are the dregs of our society. In the richest country in the world this is how we treat one another? Instead of empathy we give apathy. If we can't find a common humanity amongst each other then what hope do we truly have as human beings. Instead of helping those in a mental health crisis we shun, fear, or ridicule them. It speaks ill of us as a society. For years I have battled depression and suffered a break down and all I remember is being locked up in a room, strapped to a bed and filled with pills. I feel we can do better then this. Thank you for your thoughts on this work.

[Relic]

I'd like to know just how long peple have ben suffering in this world. Did they suffer in the 1700's 1800's as much as today? They probably did. And there were no meds back then other than some odd cure. I've had friends that have commited suicide over it. I've had it myself on and off for years. If only we could wave our hands and make it go away.

[Carlos Lorenzo Estrada]

I hear you there, Relic. A friend growing up committed suicide and a cousin as well as aunt attempted. This is a difficult discussion to have because of the stigma associated to mental health. I find it vital to begin the conversation because too many lives are lost because of the silence. I'm a victim to this disease, I suffer from this ailment, but it is not me. We need to approach this disease with understanding and the will to want to help those who suffer from it. Throwing them out into the streets to wander in their mania does not fix anything and only exacerbates the situation worse for this who suffer and the public at large in their safety. I can only hope that we in this society can find it in our hearts and best interests to help those with mental illness better then we currently are.

[Carlos Lorenzo Estrada]

Ps, thank you for posting your recent submission on 'Ode to Billy Joe.' I remembered this song growing up in the 70s. It was very haunting and indeed mysterious. And I agree with the video of the guy explaining his belief of that song. Thank you again Relic.

[Relic]

Glad you liked it, Carlos. :)