Forgive

Forgive 

By 

Carlos Lorenzo Estrada 

"If you could read my mind, love what a tale my thoughts could tell..." Gordon Lightfoot 

I forgive you.

For the times I riled your anger for simply 

speaking.

I forgive you.

When you cursed my existence 

and belittled me.

I forgive you.

For lashing me with the buckle

end of a belt.

I forgive you.

When you held my little hand

over the flame of a burning stove.

I forgive you.

For the stares of drunken contempt 

you often cast my way.

I forgive you.

For all of those days.

I can't begin to understand 

the ways of a broken man.

Or the cycle of rage so hereditary 

It keeps a child from growing into a man.

To toil the value of my worth

From the scars left behind.

To know that I will never age

and be a child forever in mind.

So I cast this bottle out into the sea.

Containing the fragments of a shattered me.

This life in stasis, a fractured toy.

Yearning to be a man; instead a broken boy.

And so I stand upon the shore 

of an Isle of broken children.

Hoping beyond hope for comfort soul

and the kindness of a simple friend.

It's not about the ending in life

But the intrinsic beauty of start.

To define at birth the meaning of life

And give love in a shape of a heart.

I forgive you...

Author's Note

This is one of the most revealing pieces of writing I have ever written. It was difficult but cathartic, painful and yet needed. Sometimes in life you need to say the words out loud in order for you to hear them yourself. It is your own kind mercy you give to yourself. It is easy to forgive others, but more difficult to forgive yourself. And I am far too old to hold on to these things that in the end are meaningless. So I will sit with that boy on the island and just watch a sunset and smile. Because we are still alive and that means more then anything.

Reviews

[Chris Shaw]

Dear Carlos, your poem of forgiveness left a lump in my throat. So hard hitting to read, what that young child suffered. Your father must have been a broken man to inflict such cruelty on his offspring. I am full of admiration that you have it in your heart to show him compassion and forgive him. This must have been a difficult poem for you to compose. I hope you have found some healing in doing so. You are a brave man to tackle such a revealing write.

Chris

[Carlos Lorenzo Estrada]

Thank you Chris for the kindness of your words. My father had suffered a stroke in his late 30s which left him paralyzed for the remainder of his life. I took care of him for almost 20 yrs alone by myself. My family did little to help me during that time. Between work I would see to his care making sure he took his medication and got him his dinner. It was difficult but I did this because he was my father and despite his treatment of me I forgave him and wanted to do my best to bring him a peacefulness. The short story I wrote "in moments" captures exactly my fathers last moments. But what it leaves are those moments in between of our journey as son and father. And the forgiveness I made sure he knew he had before passing on. I don't have any hate in my heart for what was done to me. I let those things go many many years ago between us. But there are times I need to hear this from my own lips in order to understand who I am and why I am here. Writing this gives me a place to go and see for myself that I'm still here alive, surviving and understanding but not allowing my past to define me and my art. They are just pieces of me, fragments. Thank you again for reading these difficult words to their end. That alone to me is a gift.

[Fran Marie]

Ouch. this hurts
my soul to read
of the suffering
a pain inflicted
upon you as a child
to endure such cruel
treatment and yet
forgive...

a heart wrenching
write ..that hits
the reader hard

[Carlos Lorenzo Estrada]

It was very difficult to write but I feel it really speaks of those who have had to endure similar circumstances and find themselves years later trying to understand their trauma. Especially how it carries over later in life. A part of us will always have that child persona within a greater part of our personality. We stop growing at the age of the abuse inside. Because we can't understand it nor reckon with the pain. And one of the biggest fears of suffering the abuse is feeling in some sense we are capable of such cruelty as well because of its inherent nature. It profoundly changes us and locks us into that pattern and destroys future relationships in the end. Because we are afraid to trust ever again in anyone as well as ourselves. Forgiveness is our only hope to reconcile these pieces and fears of ourselves. We may never be able to find complete peace but we can learn acceptance and forgiveness in both our abusers and ourselves. And gain a sense of some normalcy. I apologize if this was a difficult read, but it is my hope that those who have also gone through similar circumstances will find some understanding of themselves in this work. It is my only hope.

[Fran Marie]

oh no worries
Carlos no need
to apologize
always good
therapy to
write our feelings
down..love the
way you tell
your poetry

lets the reader
feel the impact
of your written
words

[Carlos Lorenzo Estrada]

Thank you, Fran, I always strive to define the imagery of what I write so that it elicits a response or resonance in the readers heart and mind. I yearn for the visceral reaction because it builds an understanding and relationship between the words and the reader. Though painting from stark painfully dark events can be difficult because I never want to alienate the reader's empathy toward the inhumane actions. I never want them to say "this is too much to deal with". But I can not deny my truth, nor water down the experience. Because it would be a denial and obfuscation of my own pain. I also removed the rating for this poem it can't be judged in my eyes, nor feel exploitative. It simply stands as its own voice in survival and a reclamation of self and forgiveness. Thank you, Fran, for reading these words and in the kindness of sharing your thoughts as well.

[Fran Marie]

you re so vey
welcome Carlos
I understand your
personal feeling
o n this particular
write; it doesn't
need a rating
or any judgments
on what the writer
is saying..ratings
don't mean anything
it's how you make
the reader feel
from your POV

[Meenakshi Dutta]

OMG! This is a stunning piece of work.
Yes, I would admit that how beautifully you've expressed the pain and forgiveness.
The depth of it can only be understood by plunging deep into it.
Much love
Saga of dreams

[Carlos Lorenzo Estrada]

Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment on this poem. You are so correct art demands truthful honesty. It is not always easy to open one's heart up and be vulnerable but you have to so that the reader understands every moment you convey and the emotions behind it. These feelings are raw and true and have the power to make the reader feel them and take them to heart. It is my hope that those who have also suffered through abuse will not be stigmatized and will let the pain leave. That they will cast it out from them and realize they may be broken but they are strong and brave and are survivors. They will get through life because they have survived from worse and still stand strong. I want them to have hope thank you again for your kind words.

[Meenakshi Dutta]

I am moved by your words.. As somehow I can relate, in someother sense.
I only wish u love and light.
U stand tall against the tests and trials of life.. U can only go further and better from here on.
My best wishes
Saga of dreams

[Carlos Lorenzo Estrada]

Thank you, Saga, for those inspirational words. I truly appreciate them. When wonderful writers like you and others here in this community take the time to read my work I feel incredibly honored because I have so much respect and awe for everyone here. This place has been wonderful to me and I count my blessings to be lucky to have found an amazing and talented community of writers to be a part of. I wish you all the best as well, my friend. Thank you.

[Moonlight Writer]

Oh my! This is one of the most intense and deep pieces I’ve ever read! I marvel at how strong you are. Not many people can tolerate their sufferings and often get fed up. But you stayed strong and took care of your father because he is your father. A BIG wow for you!

[Carlos Lorenzo Estrada]

thank you for your kind words and taking the time to read this poem. I have learned in life we are born into the family we are born to. There is nothing we can do to change that. Whether good or bad we have one father and one mother. Because of them we live. Some have sickness of mind or addictions they are unable to overcome. Some have suffered just as bad in their lives that they don't know how to raise their children. I have come to let go of the things that were painful to suffer through. I can not hate anymore nor do I want to. Hate is to easy, it is love that is difficult but more meaningful to live by. So I did what any son would do for their father when he is sick and can not take care of himself. I took care of him and forgave him for the bad things he did to me. Because to me that is what a son does. I am now old and it is time for me to forgive myself and letting what remained of the old pain go away from my heart. This little poem let me do that. Thank you for reading these words and also leaving a kind comment. I appreciate it so much.

[mattavelli]

Hello, Carlos! :)
Wow, that's heavy, tragic, introspective, a lovely expression of putting down the burden of someone else's illness and surviving abuse. Thanks for sharing.

[Carlos Lorenzo Estrada]

Thank you, Matt, for sharing your thoughts. This was very difficult to write, and difficult in trying to not give it such a contrite ending. But for me it was important to express these words to myself. The days have long passed and healed these old scars, but I reflect how much inside have I changed mentally from that past. I still feel like a kid in my mind, with fractured semblance of a man. I accept I will never change and I live with the residual trauma of those times. And I'm not alone in this world, there are many more who have suffered worse than I. But art and its power helps redefine who I am and how I choose to move forward through this world. And that bottle I cast into the sea is that hope for others, to find their path and move forward from their scars.