Forgive

Forgive 

By 

Carlos Lorenzo Estrada 

"If you could read my mind, love what a tale my thoughts could tell..." Gordon Lightfoot 

I forgive you.

For the times I riled your anger for simply 

speaking.

I forgive you.

When you cursed my existence 

and belittled me.

I forgive you.

For lashing me with the buckle

end of a belt.

I forgive you.

When you held my little hand

over the flame of a burning stove.

I forgive you.

For the stares of drunken contempt 

you often cast my way.

I forgive you.

For all of those days.

I can't begin to understand 

the ways of a broken man.

Or the cycle of rage so hereditary 

It keeps a child from growing into a man.

To toil the value of my worth

From the scars left behind.

To know that I will never age

and be a child forever in mind.

So I cast this bottle out into the sea.

Containing the fragments of a shattered me.

This life in stasis, a fractured toy.

Yearning to be a man; instead a broken boy.

And so I stand upon the shore 

of an Isle of broken children.

Hoping beyond hope for comfort soul

and the kindness of a simple friend.

It's not about the ending in life

But the intrinsic beauty of start.

To define at birth the meaning of life

And give love in a shape of a heart.

I forgive you...

Author's Note

This is one of the most revealing pieces of writing I have ever written. It was difficult but cathartic, painful and yet needed. Sometimes in life you need to say the words out loud in order for you to hear them yourself. It is your own kind mercy you give to yourself. It is easy to forgive others, but more difficult to forgive yourself. And I am far too old to hold on to these things that in the end are meaningless. So I will sit with that boy on the island and just watch a sunset and smile. Because we are still alive and that means more then anything.

Reviews

[Chris Shaw]

Dear Carlos, your poem of forgiveness left a lump in my throat. So hard hitting to read, what that young child suffered. Your father must have been a broken man to inflict such cruelty on his offspring. I am full of admiration that you have it in your heart to show him compassion and forgive him. This must have been a difficult poem for you to compose. I hope you have found some healing in doing so. You are a brave man to tackle such a revealing write.

Chris

[Carlos Lorenzo Estrada]

Thank you Chris for the kindness of your words. My father had suffered a stroke in his late 30s which left him paralyzed for the remainder of his life. I took care of him for almost 20 yrs alone by myself. My family did little to help me during that time. Between work I would see to his care making sure he took his medication and got him his dinner. It was difficult but I did this because he was my father and despite his treatment of me I forgave him and wanted to do my best to bring him a peacefulness. The short story I wrote "in moments" captures exactly my fathers last moments. But what it leaves are those moments in between of our journey as son and father. And the forgiveness I made sure he knew he had before passing on. I don't have any hate in my heart for what was done to me. I let those things go many many years ago between us. But there are times I need to hear this from my own lips in order to understand who I am and why I am here. Writing this gives me a place to go and see for myself that I'm still here alive, surviving and understanding but not allowing my past to define me and my art. They are just pieces of me, fragments. Thank you again for reading these difficult words to their end. That alone to me is a gift.

[barleygirl]

Thank you for directing my attention to this sacred piece of writing. There are no words after a spill like this. You are in a beautiful place on your healing path (((HUGS)))

[Carlos Lorenzo Estrada]

Thank you Margie I belive so as well. It has been a long journey to understanding my heart and the broken pieces of me. But I'm in a peaceful place now. I have accepted the things I can't change or even had the power to. I can only embrace these frailties and give them voice. To throw that bottle out into the sea in hopes that if another heart is suffering should come upon these words it will lead them to the same place as I. Where they will learn to forgive themselves for holding onto that pain for so long and finally letting go.

[LostSage]

wow! that is beautiful. I grew up kinda spoiled. I got everything I wanted for Christmas. Oh my not everyone gets what I had. Carlos this is enlightening. Please treat yourself good and spoil yourself. And you have that special power to forgive. wow! Have a splendid day Carlos...from your friend jeff

[Carlos Lorenzo Estrada]

Thank you Jeff for the kindness of your words I truly appreciate them. Life has been a tough journey but there are many who have gone through worse. I'm simply a survivor of abuse and it doesn't completely define me I come to see. The hardest thing I can say about all this Jeff is it was truly more difficult to forgive myself then it was to forgive my father. Because in doing so I had to let it all go and I had lived with this pain all my life I didn't know anything else but it. I had to accept that little boy and all his pain. I had to accept that aspect of myself because we were inextricably bound in that pain and it was self destructive. Turning that hurt to love saved us, and now my life is mine. In writing this poem I hope that if anyone is going through such suffering read this the will come to understand their worth despite the brokenness they suffered. That is my hope and grace for them. Thank you again for your comment on this poem.

[Wanderer]

This is very moving. I could feel the outpouring of emotions while reading each word. Thanks for sharing

[Carlos Lorenzo Estrada]

Thank you so much for reading and commenting on this poem. This was a difficult write for me, but also very cathartic as well. Many who suffer abuse have a deep shame that follows them in life. The hardest part is coming to terms with it and moving forward. But to do that you must first learn to forgive yourself. It is the hardest part of the journey to recovery. Learning to forgive and let go. The pain will always be there but instead of it being an open wound it becomes a scar. And something easier to deal with and work through in life. It makes you stronger in the end, and brings your soul peace. Thank you again for the kind words.

[Montag]

This is very moving and reminded me of the role fate plays in our lives.

[Carlos Lorenzo Estrada]

Thank you, Montag, when writing I feel it has to come from a place of truth in order to make changes in the world. Even if it's difficult never ever sacrifice the truth in your words. People will respect and admire you for it and want to read more of what you have to say. The world can take everything else from you but they can take your integrity. That's something you earned. Thank you again for your comment, my friend.

[Shelley Warner]

A beautiful poem of forgiveness. Paints a vivid picture of abuse and recovery from that abuse.

[Carlos Lorenzo Estrada]

Thank you, Shelley, for reading and reviewing this work. This was one of the most difficult things I have ever written. But it did bring me a certain peace upon completion. Especially after several read throughs for editing and corrections. I did not hesitate to submit this work here because I truly believe in its message of hope and understanding it provides for those who may have suffered through similar situations and are still dealing with recovery and comprehending. Though I am a survivor of abuse I recognize it will forever linger and be a part of my life. It's about recognizing its pain and how to navigate and manage through it now in my later years. It is my hope that those who have gone through similar issues come to terms with not just the forgiving of their oppressors but themselves as well. The hardest part is to forgive yourself, because you were not or shall you ever think you are weak, and shamed by this weakness, but are in fact brave. And may they find comfort in that fact. Thank you so much again for taking the time to share your thoughts on this work.

[Tina]

Wow powerful, heart wrenching and beautiful.. Good poem with a strong message.

[Carlos Lorenzo Estrada]

Thank you, Tina, for reading and commenting on this work. It was difficult to write but also cathartic. In my mid 50s now I have learned to let such things go and not let them have control over me. They are scars now that healed for years. And I am stronger now for all of them. Thank you so much for reading and sharing your thoughts. I truly appreciate it.

[Tina]

Your welcome

[lightsong]

I knew it from verse two that You were speaking about childhood abuse, what's really outstanding for me the very kind, soft and gentle language You wrote with, You don't give us harsh pain but instead feelings of soothing healing, even if You are old now I do know how a torment childhood can last for long years even stays until we are dead, but what I feel here that You dealt with it in a way or another. "It is easy to forgive others, but more difficult to forgive yourself." You said what I always say and what I was going to say here. All the best for You my friend, and may peace and kindness fill your heart always~❤️

[Carlos Lorenzo Estrada]

Thank you for your kind words, and especially taking the time to read this emotional journey of a poem. I could not have described its meaning more eloquently then you have in your empathetic comment. It has been a long road to find forgiveness and solace in myself and even now in my older age I still learn and grow to be better. And to accept and let go. I can never forget because I'm still that child, but I am at peace, and so is he. Thank you for reading our story.

[lightsong]

My dear friend another thing I say,

"forgive but not forget".
in forgiveness we grow, but we shouldn't forget everything because it help us to learn, someone said "a memory without emotions is wisdom".

All the very Best for You, and You are so warmly welcome 💕

[Carlos Lorenzo Estrada]

That is such a profound and beautiful statement on memory. Thank you so much for sharing it, my friend.

[the tipsy writer]

This is extremely beautiful and so revealing to the inner workings of your mind which is no doubt extremely strong.

[Carlos Lorenzo Estrada]

Thank you, I really appreciate the kind words. This truly was a difficult write but I feel it was worth the journey in writing. The best you can ask of yourself in your writing is if you were true to your words and authentic. To reach your reader so that they can empathize and understand even if they were never to have had similar experience. And for those who have to instill hope. Thank you for taking the time to read this work. I truly do appreciate it.

[Shimae Parks]

This is a very powerful poem that reaches all persons that have past lives of hurt from anyone in their lives. Very good read.

[Carlos Lorenzo Estrada]

Thank you, Shimae, for your kind words. I had written a previous poem that spoke about we as writers speaking truth in our art. How essential and needed it was, especially during these times. It was incumbent upon me to live by the words as well, and as difficult as it was writing 'Forgive' its message went beyond my angst and pain. It was an embrace to those who suffered similar trauma and to convey they are not alone. Nor is their pain an impediment to finding forgiveness and grace in themselves. We must strive to be our own hope. And to embrace the broken child within us, in order for us to move forward. Thank you for taking the time to read and comment on this work.

[Tepo]

This is as real as it gets Carlos
The full process of recovery is covered here
The fact you can write about it shows your journey
This alone makes me think you need not worry about the hereditary rage
You have found your answers and it made for a great though painful read
Also enjoyed this format

[Carlos Lorenzo Estrada]

thank you so much for your kind words. It has indeed been a journey and still continues to be. But I'm older now and more understanding to the pain and sickness my father suffered through. He was treated the same by his father I would come to learn from my aunt. When I wrote of my father's death in a previous story I said that at his passing...I breathed into a world for the first time without my father in it. This poem reflects a breath taken for myself and the letting go of the suffering I clung to for many years. Though I had forgiven him years ago, I hadn't forgiven myself for holding onto this phantom angst. And in this poem is my reminder that it is done. Thank you for reading this difficult and painful poem and sharing your thoughts on it. I truly appreciate it.