the things i cannot say

yet another sad one

There has to be a billion and one things
I cannot say out loud, but a billion and 
one is just an exaggeration so I tried
my best to shorten the long list.

The first describes me the best:
“I just want to sleep. Forever.”
Simple. Short. Hidden meaning.
Because sleep and death are cousins.

Second, “This can of soda
is the only thing I can give. 
Hope you like it because
I am worried.” I gave my father a can 
of black cherry soda and I am worried
he is going deaf in one ear, and I never
have the patience to talk to deaf people
and I am scared I might never have the
patience to talk to my own father.

The third has been lingering in my mind 
for a very long time. “I’m not even sure I
want to go to college.” Frankly, I hope
this scares my mother because it sure
as hell scares me.

Number four: “I know I’m supposed
to love you, but I f*****g hate your guts.”
It’s been difficult for me to love. I might
hurt the person’s feelings because I tend 
to lack those in me.

Five is quite sad for me, but I try not to 
think about it so much or else.
“What’s the point of getting better 
when the light at the end of the tunnel
is just the train?” I don’t see the point 
of sunshine anymore when it’s just going
to be a stormy night.

"You were never my friends," is my sixth one.
One day, you’ll wake up and realise that 
you were born alone and you die alone. Not
a lovely thought, but it’s true.

"I’m thinking about murdering you or
make you fall in love with someone then let 
you watch as I murder your loved one.”
Wow, I’m not a nice person. Apparently.

This eighth one is pretty relatable to some.
“I’m very sad and alone.” If this escapes my 
mouth, I’d be labelled a lot of things. If this 
reaches the ears of my so-called “peers”,
I’d be talked about, but I s**t you not, 
no one would reach out.

I’ve said this one before and it still
belongs to the list as number nine.
“I want to stop writing.” I cannot.
My words have become pointless and 
useless; they always were. I was just too 
high to realise that.

The tenth one? Refer to the first one.
“I just want to cut open my wrist and kill myself.”