All of my life I've had to look down at the ground on which I have been walking for so long...it never changes. Worms, grass, dirt, concrete, wood, carpet, linoleum, ants, sand, stone, leaves, rubber, cigarette butts, paper, coins, water; they are all just distractions from what I choose not to look at. The boys at my side.
No matter how hard I look or how hard I try or how much I put into it, I just can't find love. I mean true love, not just affection from the people around me. Sure, my family gives love, but not the kind I yearn for. I've had to put up with boys who pretend to love me just to get in my pants. If not that, then it's the boys who just want attention or to score points with their friends. I know it's only high school and I should be dating, more than looking for a relationship, but this is a feeling that has never left me. A feeling that I've held for so long I don't even remember a time when I haven’t felt it, a longing for love.
My mom always tells me, "Margot, love is a feeling that doesn't have limitations. It's not just a specific key that fits into a lock. Sometimes when you can't find exactly what you're looking for you have to make do with what you have. Something better may come along or even the exact thing you are looking for, but you shouldn't limit yourself to that one thing. Who knows, you may find what you're looking for in the most unexpected places..."
In a way, she hits the nail on the head. I have found, not love, but substitutions for love in a few guys I've gone out with. Justin was such a sweetheart, with his poetry and his down-to-earth attitude about everything. He's really pulled through for me a few times. He used to kiss me with such passion I would just melt in his arms, and he was so gentle with his hands in the way he touched me. Not necessarily in a sexual way, more along the lines of something simple, like a hand on my cheek. We've only gone as far as making out, though.
At his house, is where we hit second base. His parents were away for the weekend, and, it was the only time we had all to ourselves with no interruptions. Kissing each other on his living room couch, he slipped his hand underneath my shirt. Guys had tried before but there was something so welcoming about his hands being there. The way his fingers caressed my breasts made me tingle all over. He took off my shirt and I took off his, he has such a nice chest. I've never known a guy with lips as soft as his. His gentle kisses, his soft skin, the warmth of his body; I lost myself in his arms that night. And while we could have had sex until the sun rose the next morning, neither of us were consciously ready for that trip. We went out for a year before he found someone else. He didn't want me to feel bad, or be jealous of her. All he said to me was, "There's nothing wrong with you, it's not something you did. It's just . . .what I feel when I'm with her, it's love. I love her.”
"I know you'll find your true love someday; everyone is destined to be with someone. You're such a beautiful person, with many fine qualities. You're beautiful, you're smart, you're such a loving and caring person, I think I must be insane to be leaving you. But I have to be with her because I just know we were meant to be . . ." To be perfectly honest I'm not jealous, even now. It made me happy to know he had found someone he wants to be with for the rest of his life. Someone he can love as much as she loves him. Still, I was sad to see him go. We're still friends, best friends, even now. Yet, the wall of friendship only made me mad with envy to have a love of my own.
Then there was Lance, more often referred to as The Face. Lance reminds me of a chocolate bar with a coconut filling. The shell is so sweet but the inside is disgusting. I could have used a better analogy here, but I'm still not sure if I hate coconut more than Lance or vice versa. He was such a nice guy in the beginning, I though I had found what I was looking for. We shared everything with each other. Long walks were our thing; we'd hold hands through the city and the park. We talked on the phone for so long I'd miss doing homework just to hear his voice. We were . . .almost perfect. However, once things started to get serious between us all hell broke loose.
I don't know what it is about those three simple words that guys don't like hearing. Saying them seems like murder in the first and 2nd degree. All I said was "I love you". What's so wrong with saying I love you? Lance knew I never said anything I didn't mean from the heart. Instead of hearing the words "I love you," he must have heard "f**k me right here, right now!" He got that look in his eye. You know, that look that says just screams "I'm horny!" It happened at the park during what would have been a beautiful sunset. Unfortunately, it turned really ugly when he tried to kiss me and undo my shirt. His hands were all over me, and before I realized it, he’d ripped my bra at the front. That's when I had to start fighting back. My knee found his crotch, and that ended all attempts to get in bed with me. Turned out that's all he ever wanted. After that, he treated me like s**t, and when he didn't, he just ignored me. Made me feel like paper. Eventually he ignored me for so long our relationship dissolved, and he started pulling his same old tricks with other girls. And now . . .
I just walk with my head down, eyes staring at the ground below me. Sure, I've had other boyfriends since, but there was no love involved. Nothing to really hold on to. My last boyfriend dumped me because I wouldn't let him touch me the way he wanted. I really don't mind being touch in certain ways sometimes, but when one starts making habits of this, even going as far as doing it in public, the brakes are applied and said person has got to go. But it's still killing me none the less. All I want is someone to love, although, now I see that I need someone to love me just as much. This must be what my mom was telling me about. Finding something temporary until something better comes along. That's all I have been doing. Only it's not getting me any closer to what I really want. I gave up on dating altogether. I don't like temporary. All I want is something real that will last a lifetime.
It's turning my brain into a sphere of chaos. And now, it's starting to show through. People know I'm having problems and they want to help. Not help, as in be supportive, but the other kind of help. The help that not only does more than be supportive, but, the help that forces its way in and takes over. That help. Now I find myself confused as to whether or not I really want love. I look around at everyone, wondering just how they can live without the notion of love. Except this one girl. Seems like nothing gets to her. She walks around about as carefree as my cat, Cloud. She keeps her hair short and dresses different, gothic almost. And she has this way of keeping her head up and not getting lost in the "arrogance zone" that a lot of the other people around the school carry. Although she gets picked on for wearing what she does, she still passes it off as nothing and never lets it get to her, I think. I just happen to have noticed her one day in class. Now every time I see her, I can't keep my eyes off of her. She resembles a painting made by a talented artist. Picasso or Da Vinci, even. She's a mystery to me.
I started reading these books on self confidence and learning how to control my thoughts so I wouldn't have to let all of this get to me. I also started meditating, it seemed to help calm my mind. It was hard at first, but I kept at it, and now it's helping. People at school are starting to leave me alone more and more, and my grades are even improving. For the first time, I sat outside after school on a Friday, and felt good about having the weekend to do whatever I wanted. While I sat, though, I saw that girl again, and I still couldn't keep my eyes off of her. It was different this time, instead of envying her it was more like a look of comradery. As if I finally understood why nothing ever got to her. If only I was a prophet, I might have been prepared for what happened next. She looked back.
I wanted to look away real quick and pretend like I wasn't looking at her at all. But I didn't. Instead, I kept my gaze on her; not looking at all embarrassed or surprised but more intrigued. There was something about her eyes that caught me unprepared, and left me undone. On the outside, I just stared into her eyes and she stared into mine, almost as if we were having an invisible conversation. On the inside, I was a mess. My mind began swimming again and a rush flew through me in ways I couldn't describe. I locked up and couldn't move as she passed by me, never looking away. The way the sun hit her made her look like a fairy. That's when my friend, Crystal, came up to me and said, "Hey, Margot! I've got some great news!"
The surprise threw me off guard and finally pulled me away from staring at the girl. "What is it?" I asked hoping Crystal had not noticed who I was looking at.
"My parents okayed our party tonight! They said I could invite whoever I wanted, but they all have to be out by nine. This is going to be so cool!" Crystal had wanted a party ever since she got her acceptance letter from Yale. She's a brainiac when it comes to just about anything. Her only weakness is art; she doesn't like things that are too abstract or fictional. She's very blunt and almost always speaks her mind no matter how truthful. "It's not going to be too big, just a few people and maybe an extra or two. But the best thing is . . .they're both going to out. Big dinner plans. A whole night without the parental units looking down on us, this is gonna be fun! You coming?"
"Sure!" I said almost immediately. A party sounds really nice to kick off the weekend. I went home and ran straight to my room to figure out what I was gonna wear. The party started at five, so I had time to prepare. My purple top with a nice black skirt and boots to match. I didn't waste time getting ready, either. Just the right make-up and a little gel for my hair and I was all set. I borrowed my mom's car and made my way to Crystal's house in a hurry. I always like to be a little early to these things. Once I got there, Crystal answered the door and invited me in to help her set things up. Snacks, drinks, some good music; and rearrange some of the furniture.
While we were setting things up Crystal asked me, "So, who was that chick you were looking at today?"
When she asked. I almost jumped out of my skin. I didn't think she had noticed me staring at her. Thinking of her eyes fixed on me, why had she been looking at me like that? Was there something about me she knew that I didn't? "Uh, what girl?" I tried to pass off as if I had no idea what Crystal was asking.
"You know," she continued, "the girl with the short hair and boots and always wears black?"
At this point there was no use hiding it anymore, "Oh yeah, her. I don't know who she is but she kept staring at me today. Don't know why, though." There was some truth to what I said. I just never told her that I had been envying her for a long time now.
"Well watch yourself with her. I heard she's a total Dyke. And I mean Dyke-zilla. We had to write these love poems for English class, and she wrote about loving another woman. Gross!!" She's a lesbian?! The words rang through my head the whole time we were getting ready. Did she have a crush on me? It was a scary thought. I've never had to deal with a lesbian before. Or at least not one I knew was a lesbian.
It was almost five and people were starting to show up. Like Crystal said, there weren't too many people coming, about 12 or so, friends of hers plus a couple of their friends. Even Justin was there with his girlfriend, Kara. Almost everyone who was invited showed up. The last person who came was a guy named Eric. I'd never met Eric but he seemed really nice. With him came a couple of people. One of them, Melissa, I shared a math class with . The other, to my surprise, was the girl. The one who, after all the time I had been staring at her, finally turned her eyes to me. All was well until she arrived. After that, came this awkward feeling that she had been staring at me the whole night. Like a million eyes on me, though she didn't seem to notice me at all.
A lot of the night was dancing, talking with the people there I knew didn't know, and munching down on the snacks we left out. Crystal was right; this is a killer party! When it got dark, the music was turned down, and we all got into this mass conversation, talking about everything and nothing! Then someone came up with the idea of playing spin the bottle. What an idea, especially since there were more boys than girls here. There really wasn't much argument over the matter and with that said Crystal got up and went to the kitchen to get a mustard bottle. She must have been planning on something like this to happen because there was no need to move any furniture for all of us to sit in a huge circle. I didn't know twelve people could make such a big circle.
They set the rules as this; we each take turns spinning the bottle. No one gets another turn until everyone else has had one. If a boy spins and gets another boy, all they do is shake hands. The same for two girls. If a boy spins and gets a girl, they have to kiss. But not a simple peck on the lips, it has to be a french kiss with extra tongue. To be honest, I never liked a lot of tongue, and most of the boys I've kissed use more tongue than humanly possible. The first few spins ended up with a lot of hand shaking. The first to kiss were Crystal and Tommy, a boy she liked since 10th grade. She was so excited when the bottle pointed to him. From there, the rules seem to just fly out of the window and whoever the bottle pointed to spun next. Justin spun a few times and once got me. It wasn't one of his most spectacular kisses from when we were going out, but it did feel good to kiss him again. Though I held back, knowing Kara was watching. Even the girl span a few times and made the boys quite happy afterward. It was fun and it seemed to last the duration of the party.
By this time, Eric spun and it pointed to the girl. They kissed for a full 30 seconds, almost as if they had kissed each other before. "Okay, Ophelia, it's your turn now." Eric told her. Ophelia . . .I had never heard her name used before. I had a great aunt named Ophelia once but she died when I was still a little girl. She sat almost directly across from me. When she spun the bottle it seemed like it would never stop. But it did stop spinning and pointed directly at me. She got up and started to walk toward me. Then I got up and just before we shook hands, Eric said out of the blue, "Kiss her!" I stopped and practically froze in the position I was standing.
Everyone started to laugh, but then another boy, Rob I think, said, "Aww, come on. Don't be scared. Do it!"
Crystal, thank god for her, said, "That's not the rules! You just wanna see two girls kiss, that's all!" Rob didn't seem to disagree with her at all. "I swear," Crystal continued, "you boys and your fantasies! If you want to see two girls kissing go back home and watch your dad's porn!"
This is when Rob said, "Do it, do it, do it . . ." over and over again. All the boys got in on the chant and my heart started to race.
"You know you want to, Ophelia! I can see it in your eyes . . ." I heard Eric say. Oh my god! She really is a lesbian. I crossed my arms over my stomach in an attempt to keep everyone from seeing them tremble. I started looking around for support and caught a glimpse of Justin. I really don't know what look he had on his face but he didn't join in on the chant with the rest of the boys, thankfully. Kara didn't seem too impressed with everyone's chanting and cheering. And Crystal had a rather disgruntled look on her face from everyone not listening to her. Then I looked at Ophelia to see what her expression was. Oddly enough, she didn't seem to be too comfortable with the idea. I'm still sure I'm wearing the more embarrassed look, but it was good to know I wasn't alone. Yet still, this is the first time I’d seen any sign of worry on her face. Every time before, she was as confidant as a lioness with pride written all over her, and now . . .
"Come on, Margot, loosen up a bit!" I heard amongst the chanting.
Then I felt a hand on my shoulder while trying to find the source of that last comment. Ophelia was closer to me now than when we were about to shake hands. She was looking into my eyes and had this look like she was about to say something. I tried not to look at her and instead turned my eyes toward the carpet as I had for so long. Then I heard her say something like, "I know just how you’re feeling, Margot. Peer pressure is such a b***h. But if it'll get them to stop . . ." After that the words just trailed off into a blur. Slowly I lifted my head and let my eyes glide over her body as I did. She wore a skirt that touched the tops of her shoes, her shirt like mine, came down just above her belly button, and it was open at the top exposing her cleavage some. "You don't have to do this if you don't want to," I heard her say. Those words gave me the strength to look into her eyes. This was a new look, a look I knew only because I've worn it a few times. Once with Justin when we made out for the first time, and once with that a*****e Lance just before I told him I loved him. That's when the trembling stopped and my confidence found me again.
I said to her very softly, "What the hell. . ." It was a quick peck on her lips and soon after I heard all the disappointed boys' reactions, but I. . .no, we ignored them. I closed my eyes and kissed her again, this time longer. Her lips were so soft, even more so than Justin's. It felt strange and yet, comforting too. I wrapped my arms around her waist as she wrapped hers around my neck and we held each other pressing closer and closer. Her body was just as soft as her lips and she ran her fingers through my hair in a way no guy ever had. The kiss must have lasted over a minute before we each quickly pulled away from each other. I looked around at all the wide-eyed expressions. Some jaws dropped so low it looked like they were broken and Crystal had her hands covering her mouth. I stepped back and quickly took my seat where I sat between two guys. Ophelia just stood there, almost as if she were savoring the taste, but she looked as surprised as I was that we actually went through with it. All around me was silence, almost as though I had just died myself.
Then Rob reached out and spun the bottle, this time pointing in-between Justin and Kara. Ophelia sat and he kissed Kara then shook Justin's hand saying to him, "Congratulations, now I know why you're going out with her." Justin gave him a shove and everyone laughed. As they did the memory of the kiss between Ophelia and I seemed to fade except between Ophelia and me. I avoided looking at her for the rest of the party, but I could still feel her eyes on me a few times. After the party, I didn't stay to help Crystal clean up. Hearing how she talked about Ophelia before the party began gave me the impression I really didn't want to hear her reactions after what happened. I drove back home that night mind racing over that kiss.
"It was just a kiss," I kept telling myself. "Just a simple kiss. Nothing to start obsessing over. We kissed and hugged; it's not like no one else has ever done it before. It doesn't mean anything . . ." Tears formed in my eyes as I pulled the car into the garage. My parents were in the den reading when I walked in. They both looked up and were silent for a while. My father asked me how the party was and I just couldn't hold back the tears. I heard my mom calling my name as I raced upstairs to the bathroom. It was a good thing my parents had their own bathroom and left me with this one to myself. I locked the door and just sat there letting the tears flow.
Looking at myself in the mirror, trying to rebuild my confidence, only made me more and more disgusted with myself. I grabbed a pair of scissors from the medicine cabinet and cut off all my hair. I'm still not sure why but I had this feeling it would make me feel better. I took off all my clothes and got into the shower. I just sat in the tub letting the water run down my body. I tried so hard to forget about what had happened but couldn't. I had no idea what was going to happen from this point onward. I should be hating myself right now for what I've done, but replaying what happened only made me realize one thing. I didn't just kiss her once, it was a simple kiss, then an even deeper one. I held her. My eyes were closed. It wasn't just a kiss, it was an emotion taken into action. But what emotion? And why?
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