A last message of love

This was written for the only one to ever have everything I am.

I hate the way how I am expected to feel and be. I can't cry over a girl who I love with all my heart but I am expected to care about someone I love. Is it really to that bad to show emotion if you're Male? Maybe that's why I get hurt. I show emotion while most show very few. I can show none but that does not mean I won't feel them. Showing no emotion is a lot harder than one may think. I have just gotten good at being empty. I am not empty though I am filled with something that cannot be easily forgotten or mover past. I feel a longing a hollowness that makes my chest tighten my head pound, my heart burns and my stomach turn.  Everywhere I look to try to find help or some kind of understanding all I find is help for something that's different from what I feel I am not a girl.

 

I can't just blame you for my pain because it's my fault I should have been better. I should have been careful. I should not be feeling this according to everyone. I should be working out, having drinks, doing stupid stuff and conquering girls. I do not want to do that. I don't want to wake up to someone else in my bed or in my contacts who is just a feeble attempt to fill the hole these inside me. I know I will never love anyone the exact same way as I love you. I will never invest so much into one person. Give someone so much power over me. Never let someone see what you saw. Never let anyone get close enough to hurt me. No one will ever be as close to me as you were. I learned my lesson.

 

 My heart is now just as careful as my mind. Neither will full trust themselves or anyone else. I have learned that the closer you get the fire the more you get burned and I was standing in the fire.  You melted away so much of the ice that surrounded my soul and heart to only reveal what lied under the ice was colder and far darker than either of us could have imagined. I have not had a single bad thought about you since I said that stupid thing. I can't bring myself to think or feel anything but love towards you. I hate myself more than I have ever hated anything. I should have fought for you when you wanted me to. I know it most likely would not have mattered much but I feel like I would have gotten a few more moments of happiness’ would go back and do this all again though even knowing how it ends. You gave me the greatest moments in my life and for that, I will forever be thankful. I guess I pushed you away. I let fear control me know my worst fears have been showing up.  I can't really blame you.

 

I just convinced myself that there was hope that someone could look past my flaws. Look past my looks. Look past my issues. Look past my past. Look through all the darkness and see something worth loving. You can but what is past all that in me is just something too hard to love and neither does it deserve to be loved.  I am not much to love. I am not good looking or decent looking. I am not very smooth. I am not very smart. I am not sure what you even saw but it was just some illusion. I thought that maybe everyone was wrong about I even myself but I could not even love myself so I do not know why I expected someone else to be able to. Definitely someone as amazing and wonderful as you. I know what people think of me I always have. They think I am very lowly.

 

 They always pity me. They belittle me. They don't even care to keep their thoughts from me. I have been told I was a 4 to my face so many times. Every time I said I had a girlfriend they were surprised. They said I was a liar. Then when I showed them her they said no way and accused me of lying even more. I felt so lucky to be able to call you mine. I felt like I could take on the world. I felt confident. I felt like I never deserved you not a girl like you but you. I wanted to share my life with you. I know that's not much but I really wanted to give you everything I could. I wanted to fulfill your every dream. I wanted to make you feel like how I viewed you is how I still view you. I wanted to take all your pain away and store it inside of me. You were my best friend. My other. You completed me. Everything in me loved you. My heart belonged to you since I met you. I wanted to do things right. I wanted to have at least one good no great thing in my life.  I always said I was not good enough for you and that I was bad for you.

 

 When you said I made you happy it made everything great. No matter what was going on or happened if I was able to make you happy it was all good again. When I felt at my lowest you help pick me up. I will never forget you. I said your name every night and morning every day. I said I loved you every single time I thought of you. I wrote your name with mine on anything I could. I made you so many poems. You were my muse. You inspired me so much. I wrote stories from your inspiration. I had so much I wanted to experience with you.  So many I love yous I wanted to say. I had a million things I wanted to do. I wanted to be as close to perfect as I could be. Never forget a birthday. Never forget a Valentine's Day. Never forget an anniversary. Always kiss you goodnight. Never leave a conversation mad.

 

Always kiss you good morning. Never let you forget how lucky I was to have you. Never argue about money. Never fight on holidays. Put the seat down. Never leave you to do something by yourself. Do my share of everything. Take you out on dates. Go to friends with you. Go to family with you. Go to games. Go to park. Go on walks with you. Go to church with you. Pray with you.  Go to the doctors with you. Start a family. Be with you as much as possible.

 

Remember the Little Things. Call you a young lady. Let you be dependent but still be a gentleman. Give you my jacket when you're cold or it's raining. Dance with you in the rain. Kiss you in the rain. Make you feel better when you're sick. Make you something besides soup when you're sick. I will never know how that would feel like….I just wanted to love you. So now I will set you free because that will be my last true act of love for you that I can express. Like you said love is sacrifice and that is what I must do so you will be happy. That's is all I truly wanted was for you to be happy. I thought it could be the source of your happiness but it see now it was never my place. I just was hoping and praying it was.

 

  I see now that it could've never made you happy like you deserve but that would not of stopped me from trying. I would have gave you my everything just to make you smile. Maybe in another life, I could've made you happy. Maybe it was never meant to be and us meeting was just a matter of chance. I think it was fate but then again I do not have much faith. I just know I would not change us meeting despite how this is ending.  When we were together i loved every second of it. I always thought of you. You never slipped my mind. I did not think of anyone but you.  I loved you and you alone. I tried my best to be the man you deserve and wanted. I will love you till I take my very last breath and that i cannot change and don't want to.

Reviews

[Callial]

It was an interesting story with a deep meaning, however, one major recomendation I would make is the same one that I recieved on the first chapter of a novel I am writing and that is to include proper line breaks and paragraph formatting, when a potential reviewer is presented with a wall of text like this it kind of discourages them. Other than that it was a great story and I expect to see more great things from you :)

[Lord of mad men]

I hope this is better. Thank you for your review.

[Callial]

Yes this is much easier to read and should see more people reviewing it in the future :)

[Lord of mad men]

Okay, thank you...

[Airabella]

This hit me deeper than just the surface. This has so much feeling in it, I could actually feel your sorrow, pain and love. Every word read, spoke to me directly.