The beginning of a life to be remembered

It all started when he was born his mother suffered complications during giving birth.  She was losing a lot of blood and the doctor said it was either her or the baby. She begged the doctor to save the baby. Her husband told the doctor save his wife at all cause. He saved the baby and asked the father what is the name of your new son? The doctor asked the father what you wish your new baby boy to be named.  After telling him his wife has passed. The father said I do not care but his mother wished for his name to be Elias Fenrir Lexis Blackwater so name him that, if you wish.

 

Thirteen years later.....

 

 

Elias gets home. His house is a small gray house that use to be white. It looks run down, the windows are boarded up, and the grass is knee high. He goes inside. He passes his dad, passed out in his chair. He looks over and lets out a sigh, he says to himself nothing new.

 

The Father had no shirt or pants on, bottles of beer laying at his feet. He looked in the fridge there was no food. He went to his room in the attic and laid on the old stain cover mattress. Laying there he began to stare in the darkness of his black walls. He looks at his wrists and looks at the lines of scars on his forearms. He looks at the razor blade in the corner. He thinks about putting his father out of his misery. He said I wish he died instead of my mother.

 

He started to run the blade up his forearm lightly against his pale grayish skin.  He pressed it against his skin and watches the warm red liquid of life run down his arm. He lays back and feels at peace. He drifts off to sleep and has a nightmare of every beating his father had ever given him.

 

He wakes up in a cold sweet to his father yelling drunken names at him.

 

"Get your no good worthless mother killing little emo punk are down here now” Go get me more beer you, worthless kid. He runs downstairs and takes the money from this unshaven, smelly, sad man he calls father. He walks to the store and buys the cheapest beer in the store. He heads home and gives his father the beer then goes to his room. He puts the money he saved from buying the cheapest beer in a box under the floorboards.

Reviews

[Wolf_Lord]

Ok, I read the second part first... again, no criticism, just honest advice. (Her husband told the doctor save his wife at all cause. He saved the baby and asked the father what is the name of your new son?) Uhh...Cost? instead of Cause. Elaborate on why the could not save the mother, but just the baby... Was it a personal choice? Or a professional choice? Also, consider the sequence of events. In some places you put the egg before the chicken so to say. I highly suggest you look up sentence structure... You have both run on sentences as well as sentences that end, and should have a comma instead.
Now... all of this is just tech. What impresses me the most is your skill in imagination. You do breathe life into your characters and make them believable. Tech gets easier the more you write, but imagination is the truly God like gift and you have it.
Wolf ,'', ^@@^ ,'',

[Lord of mad men]

I am still learning in school and i never paid much attenuation to English till i had a reason to write.. but i was thinking ogf that stuff but after thinking a little ahead of the story and i realized the profile of elais's father i made for him he would never tell him what killed his mother...i am trying to give this a more of a self story undertone

[Wolf_Lord]

Keep it up... I am looking forward to more. Wolf ,'', ^@@^ ,'',

[goddessofwriting]

Good story, however some thorough editing is needed. Whether you yourself need to look over it again, or the grammar police... ^-^
Enjoyed it.

Thanks for sharing,
G.W.

[Lord of mad men]

Well, they are not taking calls so I guess will be me rereading over summer break....

[genocide]

very good this is keep up the good work

[The Exiled Wolf]

I like the short and blunt sentences you use. Simple and powerful, especially for a dark story. Dark stories are intriguing to me to be honest, and I enjoy this first chapter very much. Keep this up!

Yours truly
Wolf

[Red Rose]

Wow. This is powerful.
U might call me crazy, but I can kinda see this broken side of u.
Just remember, being different is not necessarily bad. Good Luck.

[ManasaC]

This is very intriguing. I am looking to read more of it. I would like you to read this again just to polish things. Well done!

[Dysphoria]

I was interested and I do like stories like this. There are some spelling mistakes but I can't really blame you because my stories aren't proof read either. I would like it more if the father yelled out. "Get down here now, you worthless, mother killing, little emo punk." I mean that last word isn't needed.

[Bear]

Nice start to the story and a good introduction to Elias Fenrir Lexis Blackwater, a memorable event like this will stick in readers mind so well done.
I would like to point out some things for you to consider the first being punctuation. Some of your sentences are short and have periods but read's like they should be commas. Also after many of these periods you didn't capitalize then next word making it complicated for you readers. Punctuation is street signs for readers, a comma tells us to pause to think about what was just read, while a period says stop for a change of subject, thought or direction. So you are not just writing words you need to be a punctuation cop giving directions to your reading pedestrians. This is where being able to hear your work can help, I use a text to speech program to read my work out loud to me so I can hear when a comma/pause works. It also will let you hear typo's that happens to us all, our mind thinks one word but our fingers type another. Our mind overlooks it when we read it to our self but it stands out when we hear it read out loud. Good job my friend, I will get to the next chapter soon Clap! Clap! Clap! Clap!

[Lord of mad men]

okay, i will reread it after I get out of school and do my work. it may take a few hours but I will try to get it done before tomorrow. thank you for your kind words.

[Angel of the devil]

this is a very interesting read. i can't wait to read more. it grasps the readers' attention and keeps it through it all



yours truly, rose

[Lord of mad men]

Thank you for your read and very kind review.

[Angel of the devil]

welcome, my friend

[matrixmark]

Change this....he father had no pants on or shirt. he had bottles of beer on the floor. he looks in the fringe. there is no food but he is use to it. he goes to his room in the attic.

To this..........The father had no pants or shirt on, bottles of beer lay on the floor. He looks in the fridge but there is no food. He goes to his room in the attic and lays on the old mattress. laying and staring at the black walls.

Would like to read more of this to see where it is going. A husband stressed at the loss of his wife who blames his son for her death is a good foundation for a great story.

Mark.

[Lord of mad men]

Thank you very much for you're help. Thank you very much for your read as well. Thank your very much. I think I may take my time writing this because I need to do it justice.

[matrixmark]

Yes..when writing always take your time. Make every word, sentence, paragraph count. When you are done reread the entire bit and see if it can be improved upon.

Mark.