Random article.

Short article I wrote for an independent horror zine that they never used after blowing smoke up my a*s for a week or so.

 

               Rantings Of The Fat and Jaded.

 

As I lay in my bed watching the remake of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre I begin to doze. I awake with a start to find the ghost of Vincent Price at the foot of my bed. Before I can get a word out he asks, “What the hell is this steaming pile of donkey s**t”? He Shakes his head in mild disbelief and asks, “Is this what passes for a horror film these days”? “I’m afraid so”, I reply.

 

He sighs then, and kicks off his shoes. Grabbing the bag of Doritos off the nightstand he gets comfortable on the foot of the bed. Between mouthfuls of cool ranch he begins to talk some more. “I remember when you had to have talent to be an actor”, he says while watching Jessica Biel hack her way through a scene with the camera strangely fixed more on her b***s than the events occurring around, and to her…With a start I snap back to reality, to find the credits of the TCM remake rolling up the screen, and my Doritos safely on my night stand where they belong.

 

So I sit now thinking to myself “what the f**k happened to good, quality horror movies?” Hell even some of the ones that weren’t high in quality were at least entertaining. Which is more than I can say for what passes as horror for the last 5-10 years.

 

Gone are the days of well-written stories, and scripts. As well as actors and actresses that have even a modicum of talent. You remember them don’t you? Actors that could make you feel emotion for a character, and make you care about said characters current position in life? The hell do I care if Paris Hilton is being run down by some axe-wielding psycho? All her characters are her. She doesn’t act, she just plays her incredibly untalented self in every part she’s had up to this point, and even that she can’t do well!

 

This is pretty much true of any actor or actress that is cast in a current horror film. Chiseled bodies, and silicone tits. It doesn’t matter that they can’t act, because they make great eye candy, and really in modern day horror that’s more important than anything even remotely resembling the ability to act.

 

Vanished too are directors that know their way around a camera. These would be people that were visionaries for their time. Like Tobe Hooper, who had an incredibly small budget yet still produced a movie that became a horror film icon. That being the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre. The actors were not the best, but because he knew how to direct, Tobe was able to make up for any shortcomings on the part of the actors, budget or special effects. However, it would seem that the need to be a competent director isn’t such a factor now.

 

Also on the downward spiral are special effects teams. Special effects were at one point an art form. It took true talent to produce an effect that would help enhance a scene. With the advent of CGI directors rely far too heavily on massive computer effects shots to carry 90% of the films we see now. Effects legends like Ray Harryhausen spent a lifetime perfecting their craft. Although they can’t stand up to today’s CGI creations, we overlook that because of the artistry that was put into his work. The effects teams of today don’t need to do any of this, because if they f**k up they can just smooth over their lack of talent with some computer enhancement.

 

Adding further fuel to this bonfire of bullshit is the movie companies. Who in their quest for more money seem to be turning a blind eye to all the lousy movies that are being pumped out of their collective asses like so much s**t. The quest for cash is by no means anything new to the denizens of Hollywood. However in the last decade or so they’ve shown how truly f*****g soul less they can be.

 

The guiltiest party to this crime, sadly, is we the horror fans. Yes that’s right. We’re just as guilty, if not more so, for perpetuating this bullshit. We sit back, and grudgingly accept what the movie industry dangles in front of us, like some junkie looking to get a fix, and not particularly caring what he has to do to get it. Every horror fan I know, myself included, is sick to death of the seemingly unending stream of remakes of classic horror films. Yet we keep watching them.

 

Therein lies the problem. Do we place blame on the movie companies? After all they are a business, and the ultimate purpose of any business is to make money. Even if we don’t agree with it. Do we blame the actors and actresses who are not even a shadow of their predecessors? Or does the blame lie solely on the shoulders of the horror fans that continue to shell out money to see these movies? Sitting by and doing nothing but pissing and moaning about how bad these flicks are, instead of trying to do something about it.

 

 

One good thing that can be said for the train wreck that is modern horror cinema is that it’s making more people turn to underground films and independent filmmakers. I personally feel this is the single best thing that could happen. These rogue filmmakers are the ones that are going to be blazing new trails into the horror industry. Even something as humorous as Shaun of Dead did well with the average horror fan, because it’s a quality flick that didn’t rely heavily on bullshit CGI effects, and has a good story, and some decent acting.

 

In the end that’s all Joe Average horror fan wants for his $8 movie ticket. He doesn’t give a damn what flavor of the week celebrity you can stick in your movie. Nor does he care that you spent $50k on one effects shot. Just supply a quality picture and horror fans the world over would rejoice, but hey what do I know? I’m just a cheesy writer for an independent entertainment ‘zine.