Take that college essay

Please excuse my angst. It's inherent to my age.

The saddest thing that ever occurred to me was when I realized that I have no greatest achievement. I have no memory, or event, or award that just meant the world to me. All I have is a pretty good grade in Physics. Ha. I guess that’s why the move to Texas has been so rough for me. Back in Jersey I had my reputation. I’ve fucked it up plenty of times, more than a girl my age should, but I’d always managed to bring it back with a firm pulse, like a bone, healing and becoming a more dense, sturdy version of it’s former self. It was something I could control. I could control the opinions people had of me without making any direct contact. They didn’t even know that I was right there beside them, whispering their every thought into their ear. It was similar to a superpower in my mind. Chameleons deserve more admiration.

I also hate myself. Maybe I don’t hate myself, not in a sad ‘I’m ugly’ way, but more of a general disgust. I find the human race to be a despicable revolting soar suppurating and spreading constantly. People are scum who deserve to be embarrassed of themselves. But nobody wants to hear that. Nobody wants to hear anything. Ever. Don't take that personally.

The sad part is, I follow suit. I am disgusted by my acceptance of myself. I know who I am, what my natural tendencies are, yet I continue my day, applying my mascara, Pretending so well that even I forget.

I am a fake. I am not a real person. I am a carbon copy of whomever, whatever I admire at that exact moment in time. I steal personalities and souls. I never come up with anything entirely on my own and I resent myself for that. I am just a nameless, faceless, amorphous object unworthy of life.

I am just one massive contradiction. The people who I admire aren’t those who help the homeless or foresee the future; I admire anyone who is actually happy. They’re the ones who have done something right. That’s the point of life. You get to feel good and be happy before the arguable end. So why can’t I feel good and be happy?

I can. Can’t I?

Well, being that it is truly the only point of life, it’s the hardest thing to achieve. Harder than any sum of money or nation in crisis, happiness is the prize at the end of the triathlon. Everything and everyone wants to stick their foot out while you run, craving the worst. If you overcome absolutely everything, then you get it. You don’t just cross the finish line; you’ve now earned the metal. You get the happiness that I fantasize.

That’s gonna be me. At some time, in some place, I will be happy. Real happy.  Not the type that once you notice it, it’s gone. I am going to be so happy that when I realize it, I can soak it all in and live in my greatest achievement.