I will not stand for constant thorns.

You do not seem to

grasp the concept

of me being human

and not an object

I do not need

this boomerang pain

(a tattered fragile

daisy chain)

I will not stand for 

constant thorns

for you adorn 

the devil's horns

Rain cloud 

don't drench my face 

with your rain

for I am made of paper and

you are made of pain.

Reviews

[icomeanon_13]

The poem has a lot of great points- I, too, enjoyed the phrase "boomerang pain" as it is does not mince words- it's sharp. The picture of the daisy chain pairs well- I get the sense through this image the relationship is something you treasure, but is fated to end- like putting roses in a vase. Beautiful for a time, but ultimately outside of the natural order. This is the best stanza.

If all three stanzas are meant to be the same in rhyming structure (which seems to be the case given the other two are the same), then the first stanza needs some re-work- "hand" and "again" do not rhyme.

Additionally the second and third stanzas are consistent when it comes to not using contractions, but the first stanza does. The asymmetrical use of the contraction in the first stanza doesn't seem to work.

The third stanza has a grammatical error which distracts the reader from the image. Adornment is a noun and must be preceded by an artical (in this case the most appropriate would be "an"). While conventional grammar does not always equal good poetry, in this case your poem has not strayed from the bounds of correct use until this point, so I assume this must be an error and not intentional. I would suggest a revision of this line.

There is real potential in this poem. The second stanza is the best, with the most piercing images- they're simple but very clean. I would suggest taking these two images and expounding upon them, while being careful not to over extend. Simple images can sometimes surprise us with their depth of insight- what is not said is often as loud as what is. The second stanza is the proof- it speaks without rambling- it trusts the reader to understand through relation rather than explanation.

Very good start- keep writing.

[HungryGhost]

Thank you so much! I'll be sure to change the things you pointed out right away :) there's just one thing I didn't understand: what do you mean by contradiction? Cheers x

[HungryGhost]

Done!

[icomeanon_13]

I didn't see the word "contradiction" in the review- did you mean contraction? A contraction is two words stuck together to form the same meaning but in shorter format (i.e.: do and not form the contraction, "don't").

Also, the third stanza sounds much better- the meaning has stayed the same, but the words are better organized. Good job!

[HungryGhost]

Thank you for that piece of information :) Thanks!! :D

[Maglia Weaver Twill]

I love this, it reminds me of rock, paper, scissors...
I like how sparse it is, the clean image,
not cluttering the mind with vagaries

[HungryGhost]

Thank you very much :)

[MomzillaNC]

To often a partner thinks only of his/her own need and gain; the other person becomes merely a tool to achieve their own goals, objectified and dehumanized on the alter of the self. Those people really are to be pitied; they'll never really know love, because love puts someone else ahead of self. Excellent phrases: "boomerang pain" and "tattered fragile daisy chain"

[HungryGhost]

Thank you so much for your feedback ! :)

[MomzillaNC]

You're welcome.

[R Smith]

good poem, great rhyme's, boomerang pain is magnificent, keep that up and go far, that's my opinion for what its worth :0

[HungryGhost]

Thanks :) I sure will!

[Stonz P.]

The piece shows a tragic aspect of love snatched away... love can be anything... a pet, a toy, parents, siblings etc etc
I liked how the piece made my mind run...

Good write.

[HungryGhost]

Thank you again stonz :) It does. It also shows how some people take your love for granted. I don't know if you can see that in this one though? Anyway, I'm glad you enjoyed it! :)

[Stonz P.]

That was quite evident in your first stanza.
You're welcome.

[Emily B]

you have a haunting ache in your voice, so young to be so old

[Sindu]

Very vividly described.. it's better to push away than get hurt twice..
nicely penned!

[HungryGhost]

Thank you so much for your feedback, this means alot!! :)

[Sindu]

welcome :)