Seven Months

The month of December is still shy on the horizon, and yet, the coldness of winter has already pierced Susie’s skin through the gloves she is wearing. The worn knitted material can barely do anything to provide Susie with sufficient warmth. Gritting her teeth from the cold, Susie makes a mental note to go shopping for a pair of new gloves once she heads back to the city.

Susie doesn’t like winter. Sure, building a snowman and making snow angels seemed like tons of fun when she was a kid, but Susie’s distaste for the cold is so tremendous that not even the white fluffy snow can urge her to think otherwise. Hasn’t it been for the loss of clarity in her head, Susie would never dare to leave the comfort of her home, where her freshly washed blankets are waiting for her to indulge herself underneath them. But right at this very moment, Susie doesn’t really mind the cold, for it helps her numb the intrusive thoughts that have been clouding her head lately.

For the last few months, Susie has been restless. Even Eric, the apathetic and clueless manager whom she hired to run her diner, has noticed the drop in her daily performance. There also have been plenty of other people approaching her, asking what could possibly be wrong, but Susie only reassured them with an unconvincing smile, saying that everything is alright.

Since she was little, on every occasion she found herself disoriented, there would only be a single thing Susie would do; walking.

As she continues with every step she takes, Susie finds herself strolling down a familiar pathway. White is everything in front of her eyes as she inspects around. The trees in the woods that once blossomed with appeasing green are now blanketed over with sheets of snow. Susie loses herself further into the lonesome woods, trailing a long trace on the ground that leads her to the place she longs to be. Hidden beneath the shadow of towering trees, lying silently in the depth of the woods, is Susie’s source of serenity. Lake Ivory--as people in her city say to refer the place--is sheltered behind a curtain of branches, where it stays frozen in such a low temperature of winter.

The amount of time Susie ever spent in this exact place can’t possibly be counted manually by hand. She has always been most fond of the silence, something she couldn’t have under the roof she stayed in as a child. Susie remembers each day being a series of deafening screams, shattered plates, and shouted profanities. As heartless as it may sound, Susie must admit how relieved she was when her father finally took off, leaving her to deal with her mother’s endless mourn which in Susie’s opinion, is better than having to come home every single day to a shipwreck of a house with broken furniture scattered on the floor.

Closing her eyes, Susie breathes in the air, letting the atmosphere of Lake Ivory embrace her body and soul. Seven months ago, Susie would’ve been thankful for the solitude surrounding her, but with the continuous loop of thoughts in her head, the feeling of loneliness begins to eat her insides rather slowly. Something is missing, and her brain, heart, even her senses are very much aware of the absence.

It has been seven months.

Seven months have passed since he was gone, and Susie still wonders how she manages to keep her sanity together up to this point. Every direction she looks, she sees him. The simplest things keep reminding her about the desperation of wanting him near. In her mind, she tries to hold onto the nasty grudge she built after what he did, but her heart can’t lie about the sentiment she still feels towards him. Being in this place only pulls her further from herself. Tides of memories from all of the times they ever spent together in that lake keep winding over as though attempting to sweep her away. Susie wants to cry out to the waves, begging them to take her to wherever he might be.

“I don’t like seeing you cry, Susie.”

A gentle finger suddenly flies upward towards the tears running down her cheek, caressing the trace they left in their wake. Her senses grow alight at the gesture. Goosebumps rise on her skin at the hint of familiarity. The sensation of his touch sends a halt to her entire function, and Susie gives in. Her body unconsciously leans closer to the source of comfort. Her eyes shut tightly as if she is ready to completely surrender herself towards the one man responsible for her erratic heartbeat.

Thomas, she utters his name in her mind, mouthing it lightly, secretly loving how well his name slips out of her lips.

When Susie eventually opens her eyes, she immediately regrets her hasty decision to do so. Because as soon as their eyes meet, an indescribable tingle starts an attack down her back. They stare into each other’s eyes for longer than intended, and Susie is once again being drawn towards the time when the amber of his eyes were the ones that comforted her during times of need. She can’t begin to tell how badly she wants them to stay in that same position forever.

“How are you?” he asks her.

Susie pauses her breath, relishing herself in the way his voice travels through the silence before enveloping her close. It’s the same voice that Susie has been so itching to hear for the last few months, belonged to the one who has been reigning her thoughts ever since he left seven months ago.

Seven months ago, when he ruined her heart to pieces and abandoning her alone to clean up after the mess.

“I’ve been better,” she replies curtly.

Thomas feels his inside aching upon hearing the crack in her voice. The one that used to be so melodic and merry is now as chilled as the winter air engulfing them both. She is still as beautiful as he portrays her to be in his head, but the black under her big eyes is a specific tell of what she has gone through for the past few months. It pains Thomas to know that whatever he chooses to believe, he is still the one responsible for the agony behind those glossy eyes.

“Of course.” Thomas nods, awkwardly rubbing his neck as he tries to come up with something to say. “Yes. Right. You’ve been better.”

“What do you know, Thomas?” Susie whimpers. “You left. It’s been seven months. You were never here. Why do you pretend like you understand?”

Thomas gazes down in defeat. The truth behind her words causes a painful stab through his chest. Thomas knows he is at fault, but hearing it stated so clearly in the open air for the entire world to hear, especially by her, still manages to hurt him more than he might care to admit.

“I--"“

Why is it suddenly so difficult for him to speak, when there is an endless list of words swirling in his brain, waiting to be stated out loud? Looking at the beauty before him is almost like a slap across his face, mocking his idiocy for the wrong it has committed seven months ago.

Seven months ago, when he made the ugliest decision of his life and let go of the best thing that’s ever happened to him.

People often say you never realize the value of something you have until it is no longer yours to keep. Thomas knows this. He has heard the same thing countless of times before, but never once did Thomas truly understand its true meaning until his heart was forced to experience the harsh truth by itself. Susie was always important to him, as much as she still is, but he never knew how much until he had to let her go. Because for Thomas, having to leave her behind is much like being trapped inside a burning building, where with every last strength of his body, he must try gasping for the little bit of air that’s left for the sake of his life.

“F*****g hell, Thomas!” Susie’s voice sounds more desperate and shaky than she would like it to be. A single drop of tears is threatening to fall from the corner of her eyes, and she tries really hard with every muscle in her body to fight off the urge. “Say something, god damn it. It’s been seven months! After everything we’ve been through, you just left with no explanation. No goodbyes. Nothing. And now you’re back, having tons of s**t to explain and you still won’t utter a f*****g word?!”

Susie is crying. Every broken piece of her heart is shaking with a need of release. She wants to scream, loud and long and hard. She wants to shatter plates, just like her parents used to do each time they fought. The pain has become insufferable. Susie can’t bear it alone anymore. She wants to avenge this misery.

Maybe, that’s exactly why she hits him.

Maybe, she wants him to feel the same pain he has casted on her heart.

Thomas doesn’t even flinch when the first punch lands on his shoulder. He barely feels it, anyway. It’s more like a shove than a hit. Even if she wanted to give him a bloody nose, Thomas would allow her without question. Thomas knows, no matter how hard she hits him, or how many punches she throws his way, nothing could be more painful to him than seeing her eyes turning red with fresh tears that were caused by his own mistakes.

“How could you?!” she cries out loud, sending more hits to his shoulders, chest, and arms. “You didn’t even say goodbye. You just left. How could you?”

The hits and punches suddenly stop, only for Susie to collapse right into Thomas’ arms. He can feel her body shaking against him. Every sob she lets out is another piece breaking inside Thomas’ heart. It doesn’t matter how many sweet things he can whisper in her ear. The guilt is already eating him alive from inside out. Promises have already been broken, trust has already been destroyed, and Thomas is left as nothing but a shell of guilt and despair.

His hold around her tightens by instinct and for a second, Thomas freezes. He waits for her to push him away, to insult him, to tell him off for ever thinking he deserves to have that little piece of herself. Nothing prepared him when she falls deeper into him instead, clinging onto him like her life depends on it.

“Susie.” His voice is adorned by his own unshed tears as he utters her name, feeling how every emotion she conveys shakes his soul to the very core. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

Susie’s misery finally wrecks itself into Thomas’ heart. The tears that are falling from his eyes have his toes curling inside his boots. Both of them sink to the snow covered ground in each other’s embrace; both are shivering from every regret, guilt, and heartache that have been haunting them for the past seven months. The winter coldness is harsh against every inch of their skin, but the ice clutching their hearts is more painful than anything they ever had to endure in life.

Lake Ivory lies silently in the embrace of winter. The water is peaceful below the freezing surface, rolling in tiny waves in sync with every caress of the wind. As two figures collapse onto the ground, it stays there watching. Looming. Listening.

In the youth of an unforgiving December, Lake Ivory becomes witness as a tragedy unfolds, marking the end of a story, where two hearts grieve for what has been, what is, and what will never be.