So Young, So Damaged Chapter 1

I sat there silently in his car, staring at the dashboard. I was so nervous I was shaking, and it was noticeable. We were both completely silent, but it wasn't awkward. It was the type where you can just feel the tension. Every time before this that we had hung out, like when we were dating, he looked so happy. I'd never seen him like this.
I look over at him, almost shamefully. But then I realize, I have nothing to be ashamed of. He does.
He shifts his eyes from the parked car in front of us, to me, and raises his eyebrows. He doesn't look happy, I can't tell what he's thinking right now. HE has nothing to be mad about. I do. He looks away from me instantly and over to my house. This silence is getting us nowhere, I need to say something.

"So..." I said, my voice cracking a little.
He looked over at me, raising his eyebrows again, and I cleared my throat.
I was still shaking, but I was trying not to make it obvious.
I looked down, and stared at the words on his band tee.
"Why'd you do it?" I asked, looking back up at him.
"I don't know." He answered.
"There has to be a reason..."
"I make stupid choices, I don't know." He looked away from me and back at the car in front of us.
"Did someone really tell you I cheated?" I asked.
"Yea." He nodded his head while still looking forward.
"Do you still believe them..?" I hesitated a little.
He looked over at me and shook his head, "Nah."
"Okay...that's good.." I said.
I thought for a second and started playing with my hair.
"You're playing with your hair, again." He smirked a little.
He always used to make fun of me for that, because he knew I liked him so much he made me nervous.
I smiled and laughed a little, but kept playing with my hair.
"Yea, I can't help it."
He laughed a little, and looked back at the car.
"So, are you dating that girl?" I asked.
That's when I started running everything through my head, and I felt like I was about to cry.
Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry.
Don't let him see you cry.
I bit my lip, and looked away from him.
I could tell out of the corner of my eye that he looked over at me as soon as I looked away.
He didn't look away, "No..we aren't really dating. She lives too far away." He answered.
I bit my lip harder, because I knew it was a lie.
"Oh." It's all I could manage.
I bit my lip even car and closed my eyes for a second, then opened them again and looked out the passenger seat's window, completely away from him.
"Yea." He was still looking at me, I could feel it.
I tried to get myself together within 2 minutes and just kept biting my lip harder and blinking my eyes really fast so I wouldn't cry.
After I got myself under control a little bit, I looked slowly back over at him, and managed to get my bangs to fall a little bit in front of my face.
He adjusted his beanie, and moved the little part of bangs that were in his eye off to the side.
I couldn't handle being around the guy I love after everything that's happened, but I needed to keep myself together. I bit my lip again, then stopped. When was I going to realize that doesn't even help?
"Would you rather be with her? Like, we don't have to be together. I just wanted some closure." I looked up at him.
"No. I want to be with you. I don't know why I did it." He answered, still looking at me.
"You do?"
"Yea, when me and you were together, you made me happy. I stopped self harming myself and I felt like I got myself together a bit. It felt different from other relationships. It felt real, like, I really loved you." He explained.
Bullshit.
He just knew all the right things to say, and I always fell for it.
"You don't do what you did to someone you love, Dustin." I said, examining my arm to make sure you couldn't tell I was still a little nervous.
"I know. I don't know why I did it. I always make stupid choices that I regret." He looked at my arm, too, and I looked instantly back at his face, and he looked at me.
"I'm really sorry." He added.
He didn't look so mad anymore.
"It was nothing to do with you." He added also, like he was trying to bribe me into his trap again.
"I just, I don't know." I had no idea what I was thinking, I knew he was lying, but yet I believed him, and I had no idea at that point what I wanted to say.
He nodded, and leaned in a little closer.
"Did you use me?" I blurted out.
Oh s**t, I didn't mean to say that. I was thinking it, but I didn't mean to say it.
He bit his lip and looked directly at me, and I looked back at him, trying to play it off cool.
"Did I use you?" He sounded taken back.
"Yea...like, for sexual things. We always had to do something sexual. I feel like that's why you were with me." I explained.
I sat there worried, wondering if I just fucked it up.
"I didn't use you. I wouldn't use a girl. No, not at all. Sure that was nice, but that's not why I was with you. And that's not why I want you over her, either." He kept looking at me.
"But it would make sense..." I stopped, debating saying more. "I'm here, she's there. You can't do stuff with her, you can do stuff with me whenever you want, you live five minutes away." I explained.
"That's not why I want you." He reassured me.
Liar.
We sat there for a couple minutes in silence, again.
He leaned back in closer, and went for it.
Just as I thought would happen, we were making out.
We made out for a couple minutes, then I stopped, not caring what he thought. I pulled away and sat back in my seat, and I just looked at him.
"Are you sure?" I asked.
"Yea. I told you, I wouldn't do that to a girl. Especially...especially not you." He looked slightly past me, and at my house through the passenger seat window.
"Okay.." I hesitated again.
He kissed me again and we started making out again.
This time for a lot longer, he stopped mid-makeout, breathed heavily and said, "I choose you, not her. For sure." And went back at it.
I knew in my head what was happening, but I went along with it.
Until he started hinting other things, and I said stop. I said stop over and over, and I told him not tonight, and I told him no. But he didn't stop. I tried to find the handle to open the car door, but I couldn't find it, or pull away.
The rest of the night was a blur.
What seemed like hours later, but probably only like a half hour later, I was standing in my front yard staring at the street, because he told me he had to go, and made me get out, leaving me practically on the curb, and he drove away.
The last thing I remember him saying is, "Quinn will understand why I'm late, but I really have to go."
I sat on the steps right outside my door, and put my head in my hands, and cried. I tried to think and remember what happened after he said all the right things and started making out with me, but I couldn't.
I couldn't remember any of it.
He didn't want to talk, no, that's not why he came over.
I sat there for a while in the pitch black, and after realizing I couldn't process what had just happened, I wiped the black eye liner and mascara from under my eyes, tried to pat down and fix my hair, covered my neck, and walked inside, going straight to the bathroom to shower.
I felt dirty. Gross. Used.
But I still couldn't figure out what had just exactly happened.