Fine

It was a Sunday afternoon. Usually Catherine would feel a sense of foreboding at this point. She had to return to Stalag 17 (i.e. work) tomorrow. Sometimes she felt content at the thought. She often convinced herself that being a sales assistant was almost akin to being an actress - the act of being in a constant state of cheerfulness while wiping away imaginary dust bunnies, the act of fighting one’s instinct to roll their eyes when a huffy lady complained about the vagueness of a SALE sign. 

Catherine felt more than fine. She was content. Having decided to endure the cumbersome task of piling three mattresses on top of one another, Catherine realised her ambition had always been to be comfortable. She was closer than ever to her idols, whom were displayed by larger than life ceiling posters. The tips of her toes gently brushed their shiny plastic smiles. Katherine Hepburn gave a brazen wink, while Jane Goodall gazed serenely into the eyes of a chimp on her knee.

She felt undone, as if someone had gently pulled at her extremities, lengthening her arms, legs and torso. A beam of light peeked between the bars that lined the top of her window and unveiled a parade of tumbling, lazy particles. She inhaled the dancing pieces of everything.

The curtain blocked the view from her window, but if she tilted her head slightly to the left she could look up into the canopy of leopard trees. Their leaves were small and perfectly rounded, resembling a painting with tiny brush strokes. The ivory bark was peeling in places to reveal brown spots, oozing with tree blood. When Catherine was nine, she had collected the sap, in the hopes of making amber to sell at the school fete. Her plan was quickly forgotten however, in the wake of other greater distractions, and the viscous liquid was left on the kitchen island. To her mother’s irritation, the sap had slowly inched across the pockmarked wood in tiny golden rivulets, attracting an army of sugar ants. 

Catherine looked at her watch. It was 3.00pm. More streams of light had begun to filter through her window, glancing off the multi-faceted crystal, which hung from the curtain rod and cast baby rainbows all over her room. The haloes of light whirled around the room at a dizzying speed, as the crystal turned in the breeze.  ~

Author's Note

This is simply a bit of practise writing I did this morning, playing around with imagery. I was wondering if it feels segmented or if it flows?

Reviews

[Eric Pudalov]

Very good, especially for "practise writing"! At first, I thought this must be a chapter out of a larger work, because there seemed to be a back story that was only hinted at. Is it a safe guess to say that you're from the UK (thus the "practise" and "realised" spellings)?

You also have some great descriptions and imagery, especially lines like, "Katherine Hepburn gave a brazen wink, while Jane Goodall gazed serenely into the eyes of a chimp on her knee."

There are a couple of minor corrections I'd make. In the first paragraph, where you say, "...the act of being in a constant state of cheerfulness while wiping away imaginary dust bunnies;" I'd change that semicolon to a comma.

As I understand it, you would only use a semicolon in places where the two different thoughts could stand alone as separate sentences, like "Being a sales assistant was almost akin to being an actress; she would constantly be in a state of cheerfulness while wiping away imaginary dust bunnies."

And in the last paragraph, where you say, "...glancing off the multi-faceted crystal, which hung from the curtain rod and casting baby rainbows all over her room," I think it should be "cast" and not "casting." I do, however, love the phrase "baby rainbows." That's a wonderful description!

Overall, a great piece, and I think it may even be a great start to a longer story, if you'd like it to be.

[lolitaj14]

Thanks very much :) I'm actually from Australia but I guess I do read British books so maybe that explains the spelling. I agree with your corrections. Semi-colons have always confused me.

[william]

For a piece of practice writing, yes, it flows. I liked the imagery, particularly 'baby rainbows', and, as I used to endure the hell of working in a shop, I loved that she called er place of work 'Stalag-17'. Enjoyed it!

[lolitaj14]

thanks! It's great to get some feedback :)