What we see

A short animated story that takes place in Kuwait in the middle 1950's. The story is about a creature who captures one boy and builds a genuine bond

Rough script of our first animated short A blurry vision, someone is walking and all we see is unclear movement. A wide shot showing a creature walking in an old Kuwaiti alley. The creature is moving in a very unstable way, swinging right and left, trying to maintain its balance. It stops near one of the houses. A middle shot on the creature while it picks an object examining it. Back to the blurry vision, the creature pulls the object closer to its eyes and thats when the object starts to become clear. “This indicates that our protagonist has low-sight. It examines it then throws it away. We will move to the next scene when two kids are playing an old Kuwaiti game with stones. A chubby boy with glasses “Faisal”, is drawing lines on the floor with a white chalk while his brother “Hamad” is throwing stones on the floor. Faisal is drawing and removes the sweat on his forehead, a big shadow covers him and the area, the boy turns around and he sees the creature from a low angle. A gigantic creature is standing right behind him Now we will move to the creatures camera looking - as if we’re looking through its eyes. The shot will be very blurry, all what we’re seeing is a blurry boy, a blurry neighborhood and nothing is clear. We will move back to the chubby kid, stunned! And his brother is trying to warn him but its too late. The boys start running and the creature is following them but he’s moving in a very unstable way, the audience will realize that this creature has low vision and can’t move in a straight line because of his sight. The fat kid will fall and is too scared to get up. The creature will stop and picks him as if its his toy. He’ll carry the boy and start walking quickly. We will look at drunk people for reference. The other boy will stop, take out a naba6a from his pocket and start looking for a stone.. Moving back to the creature and the little boy. After a while the creature will stop, it will have a moment to examine the child who's wearing glasses. It will move the boy closer and closer to his eyes so it sees clearly. At this shot the camera will be out of focus and when the boy is close enough it will get in focus. Another shot to imply the fact that the creature has low sight. Then will put him on a building’s roof and will stop. The creature will pull out its tail and start sewing a hat to protect the boy for the sun. It will place it on his head and the boy will smile, he’s not scared anymore The two will have a strong bond and the boy will feel comfortable to be around the creature. It will put the child down and the boy will hug the creature as a thank you. At that moment, his brother will start throwing stones on the creature to leave his brother alone. Due to the creatures low vision and uncertainty of what’s going on, it will start moving fast, entering a food market, breaking stuff, moving quickly,hitting walls and destroying the market. Unintentionally… then suddenly he hits a big wall and its breaks on him, he gets hurt, he’s furious and starts breaking things on purpose! The thin kid is too determined to push the creature away and the creature is just too overwhelmed with all the surroundings! Suddenly the fat little boy will jump on wrecked walls and stone and hump on the creature’s shoulder and gives him his glasses, the creature can see now and starts to move slowly and in a stable way. It will slow down. The creature glimpses itself on a window reflection. He takes a step back and looks closely. He sees his reflection on the mirror, looks at himself and takes a moment. The creature will examine its hands and fingers and pauses “Hamad” is still too determined, but at that moment Faisal will tell his brother to stop. Faisal will get down and holds the creature’s hand and walks him to Hamad. Hamad will look at the creature embarrassedly and the creature will pull its tail and make another hat. The boys are looking at the creature and the creature is looking at them, looking at the city with new eyes. It realizes how damaged the market it, but it will also notice how sunny Kuwait is and how the neighborhood is not shaded. Therefore it pulls its tail again and start sewing shaders to cover the neighborhood, to protect the kids and citizens from the sun and add an element of shadow in there. It will be a magical moment The last scene, the creature will be sitting in a shop at the food market surrounded by many children and sewing colorful hats. Everyone is happy and is too friendly with the creature. The moral of the story is not to judge people and to believe that there is good in everything around us

Author's Note

ignore grammar problems
this is a rough sketch

if the story is repetitive, childish or shallow please mention that
tell me how to improve it

Thank you!

Reviews

[A Shared Narrative]

(SHORT VERSION is at the bottom. Skip down, if you like.)

This feels like it's written for a screenplay.

Decide if it's a screenplay or a story, and then format it accordingly for people to read. (You said "a rough sketch," but I can't tell which it's supposed to be for.)

If it is, you need to detail more about what the creature looks like in the directions, so that anyone could pick it up and direct straight from your script. If it's not, you'll need to strip out a lot of the direction you've placed in here, in order to enhance the mystery and curiosity and terror in each of the respective characters.

When you do that, you'll be able to strip out the "imply the fact that the creature has low sight" instances (after the first one) and replace it with something like "creature's POV camera."

The story is cute and simple, and the direction is mostly clear. I can imagine it as an animated short feature with no actual dialogue, done in a semi-still frame style (think "Thor and Loki: Blood Brothers" or "Spider-Woman: Agent Of S.W.O.R.D." or any of the Marvel Knights animated comics -- use the style, not the tone of the MK films; your story is too sweet for it to be that dark).

Your concern was if your script was childish and shallow. It's not, as long as you leave it the way it is. You've penned a wonderful little story that can serve as a kind of Aesop-like fable for kids to watch and learn from. I don't think you'd need to put a moral on-screen at the end of it, as the action would have spoken for itself by the time you reached a final fade to black.

My one grief with it would have to be how the creature is wrecking things in broad daylight and only the children are interacting with him. The market should be abandoned, set at a different time of day (which probably wouldn't work for your story), or the creature needs a chance to flee and hide out of sight somewhere.

An additional note: it's not necessary to show it, as children are capable of making amazing conclusions without any evidence, but I would really like to see that "Aha!" moment where the kid realized the creature needs glasses, before climbing up and putting his own glasses on the creature's face. Again, it's fine as-is, but I would personally love to see that light bulb go off in a more concrete way for the audience to share in that revelation with the character.

SHORT VERSION: format your manuscript so it's readable, you have a wonderful story, but you need to address the marketplace being smashed in broad daylight, and give the viewers a chance to understand how the child realizes the creature needs glasses.

Welcome to WC. I look forward to find out what the sketch turns into, when it becomes a full-blown work. There's a lot of great potential here, and I can't wait to see you mine it.