Bon Voyage To My Uterus!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! : )

My uterus and I must part ways : (

I hate my uterus.

It used to be such a lovely one really. It served me well in times of wanting to reproduce.

I can't say I much cared for those times of the month when it was a miserable and unhappy mess but this has been much worse.

I hate the Gynecologist and that cold shoe horn gadget and that extra large and long q tip gadget that they always have ready for poking.

Yuck

Mine is easy on the eyes and he's cool as s**t and doesn't make me filter. I can say the F word.

But now alas the last surgery he performed on me as turned a fail and he can't do a damned thing but go to plan B. it's got to go.

But wait! get to keep my ovaries!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yay!!!!!

At least I won't wake up and turn into a bigger b***h than I already am and have to stand in front of the freezer half the night because I am baking hot.

And I won't get the other s**t that goes with the big M and some of them amuse me when I see a commercial for vaginal dryness. Hmmmmm.....Maybe when you have to have a complete removal of all the gadgets they should give you a coupon for a free tube of lube?

Well.........It's an idea.

I'm thinking of all the good things with the surgery and looking at the blingy lining to the dark cloud of doom.

I will never again suffer the horror of another trip to the store and remember I needed those lady supplies and have the makings for some dessert that needs whipped cream, a Playgirl magazine and some lingerie I just had to have.

True story too.

But I forgot the other thing I had on the counter or do I...

 If he can't yank this sucker out the easy way and I have to stay in the hospital I will get some good food and or jello and get some rest.

My sympathy I will get from family, friends and strangers will be mucho and I can milk it as long as I can . Nah

I might get bed rest. Mike might make me breakfast in bed or have to spoon feed me Ben N Jerrys.

My tummy won't look poofy and strange anymore. No one will ever again ask me how far along I am. Really???? It's true and I want to know what the hell they thought at my age I would be doing with a bun in the oven and with 4 kids already. I said " How far along in what"? Then I get this reply. " You know you have that glow"

I thought jesus and what the f**k. Does this dip s**t really think I am pregnant? It's time to do some crunches and not crunching on chips. I said " I have that glow because my car has no ac and it's 100 degrees in the shade and my kids pissed me off and I was holding my breath so hard I turned blue and now am red"

She stood and stared at me open mouth and I could tell she thought I was bat s**t crazy. One of my endless rants always shuts someone right up. " So you are not expecting"she said. " Noooooooooooooooooooooo way no how no thanks and uh uh maam nobody living inside there at all and have the pictures to prove it and thanks for making me again remember I look like a stay puff marshmallow and have a nice day" I turned heel and split before she could say another word and my filter shut off once and for all and I used bad language to tell her that she was one rude and stupid fool.

I got a pair of those girdle panties now so I can pretend that it's all naturally flat. Girdles suck and now I know how Scarlett OHara felt all squished and afraid to eat a crumb and the wisy demure voice is from lack of air.

  It's all smoke and mirrors baby....

Oh I did it again and went off topic. " Look! a squirrel!"

Ok so I have the happy s**t down in my head and the bad s**t that scares me and they remind you of when you sign that paper that states you might not wake up after they put you in la la land.

 Back to my farewell to my uterus.

I am going to have a party! I am going to throw a shin dig  to celebrate the removal of the most cursed and most uncooperative body organ I have.

  BYOB!!!!!!!!!!! And I don't care if anyone drinks. I won't lecture or try to drag someone to a meeting or talk about 12 steps. I don't roll that way. I can watch people drink on tv and in person. I won't be chugging along with you later and wake up with my clothes on flat on my back and forget that I stood on a table and sang into my cigarette the night before.

Again true story.

We will have food and fun and frolic as we all share memories of a time that my uterus was healthy and happy and gave me babies and a reason to eat for 10.

I'm certain my 4 children will have something nice to say about the place they all lived in for 9 months. Or maybe not.

I am even planning on writing a song that I will sing for all and what a treat it will be to hear me sing. Maybe...

I am working on it in my head as I type this. I'm not sure if it will be a warm and loving song or an angry tirade that will remind all of a hard core death metal shrieking tune.

  It will depend on my mood and anyone that knows me knows that my moods are like the MI weather from sunny to s**t.

  But that is a whole other tale to be told some other time when it's not almost 6 am and I was supposed to be asleep hours ago.

Blame it on the super moon.

Author's Note

all critics welcome