Dark Days Days Of Light

My thoughts as I struggle with my demons, my past and my fight to stay sane through some very dark days.

I have been hating myself as of late.
I have been watching myself from afar and watching the train wreck in progress a sight that sends my heart sinking into the ground, a sight that makes me want to hide and never come out into the light of day again.
   I have always been my own worst enemy. Though the past few years I am learning to fight these thoughts of self doubt and self loathing the dark and filthy past comes back and taunts me.
   I can choose to let it throw the sharp knives that cut me and cower to the ground and cry and bleed out, or I can choose to fight with the only weapon I have always had, strength and faith.
  Faith
It is and always has been the one thing that keeps me from giving up and giving in to the swirling mass of doom, gloom and death.
   It is hard to live a life knowing that at one time I was not a good person at all. It is hard to look back when the past and those memories cause me to turn and look back at a quiet mouse of a human being that changed as if overnight and became something and someone that I not knew nor understand at all.
We all have a dark side and some of us even darker than the blackest night sky devoid of any light of planet or stars.
  My dark side is an angry mess of pain and hurt and lashing out to protect the parts of me that never finished growing.
  My inner child cries out for mercy and begs for acceptance and clings to a small shred of hope that someone, some day will love her as she is and will not want to shred her mind and heart to pieces.
   My inner teen sees all the things she missed during the time she was meant to live and grow and flourish. All of the things she dreamed of saying and doing and wanting to do. Dreams of writing and being on stage and being everything her Momma told her she was meant to be and could be.
   The inner Adult , Wife and Mother struggle with the fact that they were not able to deal with those things. The Mother tried her best and managed to be the success in this realm. The Wife was lost and believed in a fairy tale family where she stood in an apron at a stove and had many small eyes and tiny hands clutching at her skirt and looked at her loyal and good husband and loved it all even if they had little. Just family that filled her with joy and happiness would have been more than enough.
   So now at almost 49 I understand what went wrong with all of this, what put all of these parts of me in limbo. At least I can make peace and heal all of them but it takes much time, effort and much pain. There are days that this is so frustrating and so painful and so raw that I wish to shut the door on them all. Yet I can not.
  There are humans that look at me and because God gave me gifts that allow me to read them and feel their energy there are times I have to flee and sit alone and cry or scream and yell and beat my fists to get all of the pain and regret out.
Reality is a bitter pill to swallow indeed. I choke it down over and over each and every day yet I keep trying to stomach it.
 Those that can see beyond my shell, my sometimes loud and blunt self. My distracted child self that loves shiny and pretty things and my dark and thoughtful self are few and far between.
  I am so blessed that everyone in my world now " gets it" gets me....
But what I put them through each and every day when I awake and never know what part of me will come out to deal with....It sometimes breaks my heart and theirs I am certain.
  Michael is more than a patient man and has taught me much and will teach me even more as the years pass.
  He has a wife and a woman he adores. He has a child that carries a stuffed dog with a winter hat that he named Ceasar that sleeps in their bed with quite a few others.
  He has a wife that dresses like a teenager, someone going into a mosh pit, or Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast At Tiffany's
   He has a wife that has silly tantrums and wants all his attention and clings to him and cries like a child.
   He has a wife that is smart and loves to cook and loves their family more than life itself.
    He has a woman that carries a knife and has no fear of being harmed or hurt ever again because she is strong and can hold her own.
    He has a wife that is all of the above and even more. He has chosen to hold her hand and help guide her to the light at the end of the tunnel.
     He stands firm and refuses to budge nor leave her when she turns into someone that is completely the opposite of her good and light side.
   This side of her he deals with but does not enable.
  Watching from afar I see these parts of me come out and take over and I have learned to deal with them patiently at times and at others beat them into submission and go away.
   The worst part for me is the guilt of knowing that I have hurt someone I love and I make no excuses for it, I own to it all.
    It is getting easier by the day to deal with each and every part of myself and the dark and rough parts are less and less than before.
     I have come a long way I know as recent events I have dealt with and without my old ways in coping with them.
   The red hot anger and hatred is still there but I am finding ways to subdue and put it to ash.
I have to not beat myself to death when I make mistakes and I fall to the fate of just being human.
  I have to deal with emotions and feelings I never experienced at this magnitude of strength because I diluted them and covered them with alcohol and drugs almost all of my life.
  I decided now that even in this state of healing the raw wounds of my past and swallowing the bitter pills of regret and if only that I am thankful that God gave me a second chance to come back and make it right, even if I took much to long in the eyes of some to reach this point.
  I am whom and what I am and that is that. Those that choose to judge me and oh some do often and even daily I know at the end of the day that I have a heart and soul that is even more beautiful than most because mine is one of giving, not taking.
  There is only one judge of any of us that I concern myself with and that is God himself and no other.
He made me this way for good reason. He gave me talents and gifts that are to do and give good and add to this world.
  He gave me my loud voice and stubborn resolve to share my stories and try to change just one opinion or open a closed mind.
  I have decided to embrace all of me and whom and what I am and those that look at me and point and laugh or whisper the word crazy are clue less themselves.
  I have so much to be grateful for as you reap what you sow and each and every day I sow the seeds of forgiveness, acceptance and love.
My path is to help others, feed and house and clothe them. To use my tongue to counsel them in their own journey towards the light above which I refer to as the true purpose and goal of life....Love
But to love another one must love self first. I look in the mirror and see not much of the shell that holds my heart, soul and light but the good that dwells inside me.
 I have forgiven myself for my past and let that go now. I have looked back and watched what I began as and what I became along the way.
   All that is important is the here and now and moving forward with the future that waits ahead of me.
  An addict and alcoholic in recovery must make peace with all of their past and tell those they wronged that they are sorry but must do this with no excuses and must accept any anger they recieve doing so, and must own to all of it.
 Every single person that I wronged in terrible ways I have managed to find and contact and ask this forgiveness from.  Some have not responded at all but I am so pleased to say many of them have accepted, understood and embraced and forgiven me.     me but I
  I thank God for that. I thank God for their gift to me.
 This month I will be sober 2 years and I await that day with joy and much pride.
  I have been working in recovery and discovered that I can make a difference. That gives me great joy in itself.
  I can even say that thus far I have saved a life. I have taken someone like myself that was desperate to stop the cycle of self destruction and helped them almost a month into clean and sober and healthy living.
  From now on when these demons I battle attempt to fill my head with self doubt and negative thoughts I will think of the GOOD I have done thus far and the GOOD I will continue to do for the rest of my days in this life.
  " Judge not lest thy be judged"
If more would look at a homeless person as a human with need and potential and not look at them as a dirty useless creature there would be less cold and hungry and alone in this world.
  If the mentally ill and different in appearance and mind would be appreciated for the uniqueness they hold instead of shunned and disregarded the world would be so much a better and happier place.
  Each kindness we do when we take the time to see this life and the humans around us will soon add up to an even greater number of good.
  My hope as I continue my work and my own healing is that some day I will leave behind something that lasts longer than the ashes I will become.
 I will leave others behind that care as much as I do and continue the work I began. My hope that my own children will do as I do now.
 I want no monument in my memory, no material thing at all. I want a world where the focus is on giving not taking.

Author's Note

I am tired and typed very fast so it its a mess so be it.