" Carl"

" Carl" was a patient on the ward during my first in-patient stay after my suicide attempt

I had been a CNA for any years before Social Security determined that I was unable to work.

 I was feeling better and the ativan was leaving my system and I started paying attention to what was going on around me. 

 Of course because of my work in nursing facilities and being the kind of person I am I noticed "Carl" right away.

 He was younger than I, shuffled and looked at the floor and his glasses were so dirty with food and debris I wondered how he could see a thing at all. He barely spoke and when he did it was very slow and pained for him. He would shuffle into the dining room and take a seat and none of the other patients would sit with him so he always ended up alone.

 The staff would put his tray in front of him and I would watch him struggle to open things and feed himself. He would end up with food all over his glasses, face and hands and his clothes.

 I could hardly watch it at all and eat my own food and it made me angry as hell to watch staff stand chatting while he struggled to even get one bit of food from fork to mouth.

 I watched this a few times one day and I bit my tongue and kept in my seat and decided that I had enough of this bullshit and the lack of compassion and caring for another human being especially one that so needed those things.

  So the next meal when my food was in front of me and I saw the tray sitting in front of " Carl" I got up and said " I am going to help him this is bullshit" The other patients at my table looked at me and warned me against this but I said " I don't give a f**k I am not watching this s**t anymore and it is what I do"

 So I went and got washcloths and towels and I wet the cloths and brought the towels with me, pulled out the chair next to "  Carl" and looked at him and said " I am going to help you"

He sat and stared at me and I told him " I am going to clean your glasses for you" and I took them off and scrubbed them over and over and dried them until they were clean and he could see through them. I put them back on his face and smiled at him and said " There, Now you can see better they are all cleaned and now you can see to eat" He sat and looked at me through the clean glass and I could see a change in his eyes. He was not vacant and staring he was looking at me and taking it all in.

 I then said " I am going to help you eat"And I got his food ready and cut up and the drinks opened and put straws in them. I put a towel down the front of him and one on his lap and started feeding him. He did not resist at all he sat and took bites and ate his food. I helped him take a few bites on his own and he seemed to enjoy the help and the company.

The other patients watched me and one of the staff approached and said something about not being allowed to do that and I shot back that " I didn't give a s**t because they were not helping him and to get lost unless they wanted to do it" They left me alone and I continued to help Carl. When I was done I put soap and warm water on a washcloth and went over to " Carl" and washed his face and hands and glasses and dried them. 

 " Carl" looked at me and smiled a little and I told him " I'm Lori and I am going to help you so don't worry" I watched him shuffle out the door into the hall and go back towards his room.

 From then on every meal I repeated the same routine with " Carl" and noticed that he was looking and behaving less a zombie and more an alert human being.

 The staff was not pleased at all but I told all of them and my Doctor that it helped me to help someone else and it would help me get well again so they allowed it.

 " Carl" was transferred to another hospital before I was discharged and I remember the day he was leaving and I saw him in the hall and wanted to say goodbye. I told him I knew he was leaving and that I wished him well and he looked down at me and said " Thank You Lori you are an angel and a good person" Then he gave me a hug. I wanted to cry but held my tears and watched him shuffle out the doors with the guard and wondered what would happen to him and said a prayer that God would take him under his wings and keep him safe. 

 " Carl" Was one of the many that I met over years in various hospitals that never were released but went from hospital to hospital and would spend the rest of their lives that way.

  I knew I would get well and go back to my family and that made me want to get well even more.

Author's Note

I typed it and hit publish as usual