Day One On The Ward

My first day in the Psych Ward.

I woke up and forgot where I was. My head felt like a hangover from hell and it hurt to swallow and my chest felt like I was beaten with a two by four.

  I sat up and looked to the other side of the room and there was a woman holding a s****y diaper in one hand and pointing at me with the other shrieking " Are you my new room mate?"

F**K!

I had to get the HELL out of here I thought and grabbed another gown and threw it on. I wondered where the f**k my panties and bra were...The least of my worries.

  I walked out the door and started down the hall. It was white and more white and a lot of tile.....I looked at a clock and realized it was 6 am and I wanted to find a phone so I could let the f*****g cheat I was married to that his wife ate a bottle of pills and now was locked up under suicide watch. Anything to punish that f**k.

  I kept walking and it smelled.It was a combination of s**t, food, some pine sol scent and god know what else.

  I wanted a cig and I wanted the damned phone and I walked past them and saw there was no receiver just the base.

S**T

I could hear voices and saw a desk ahead. " Good" I said out loud. " I can smoke and use the phone" I walked faster and found the desk and stood there waiting as if I were at some fast food joint waiting to place my order.

  Not one of the nurses or the orderlies sitting and standing said one damned word to me they just looked at me over their charts and that was that.

  I decided that I had best say something and opened my mouth and croaked out the words" What do you do here?"

 They stopped the reading and the talking and just stared at me and this time I realized the following. I was in the nuthouse and a patient and they were not going to look at me as anything but the crazy b***h that ate a bottle of ativan and tried to off herself. Anything I said and did from now on would not be regarded with as much as a stare.

F**K

I turned and walked back to my room and got in my bed and hid under the covers and wanted to cry and scream. I wanted my Ma and my Daddy and I wanted the f**k out of there. I could hear other patients moaning and babbling and hid in my bed with the sheet up to my chin and watched and waited.

 Pretty soon someone came and said it was time to eat Breakfast and I was hungry for a change. 

  An orderly came and said we could have a cigarette first and everyone lined up and the orderly lit each patients and they went in and sat down at a table with an ash tray.

 I decided the smartest thing to do was to stick with those that appeared to be the most sane and so I sat down at a table and hoped for the best.

  Everyone looked pretty sane to me and the focus was on me the " new admit" What was I there for? I said in my candid and non filtered language that " I ate a f*****g bottle of ativan and my heart took a s**t and they pumped me full of some nasty charcoal" One of the women at the table obviously experienced in such events informed me that I was going to be " f*****g constipated" I told her that was the least of my worries since I was locked up and lost my f*****g marbles.

  Questions went around the table about kids and families. My eyes teared talking about my Jessi and my ma and Daddy. I thought of how my sister Jennifer must be pacing the floors and worrying her a*s off about her fucked up sister locked in the nut hut. 

 I wondered what the hell my friends would think. I knew Lisa and her family would be upset as hell.

   Breakfast came and I tried to eat some of it. Other patients came and I handed them whatever I didn't want. Sugar packets were some big deal and we could only have decaf coffee. Damn. 

   I started sizing up the rest at the table and figured out some of them had not even tried to die but just talked about it. One guy was depressed and drank too much and his room mate called the police and off they sent him to be locked up.

  One girl was a young and pretty thing and she told me she was a stripper. 

  The tallest man I had every seen was depressed and so manic at the same time and having trouble with delusional thinking.

  One was a flight attendant and she was depressed and an alcoholic.

   The rest at the table pretty much a few with bipolar and a few more with clinical depression so severe they refused to eat.

  Sitting there for the first time in my life I realized that I was not the only one that was fucked up in the head and sure as hell not the only one that tried to die. Some of them had tried many times over.

  After I ate and we were allowed another smoke I went back to my room and looked around. I figured I might as well make the most of it because who knew how long I would have to stay there.

  The room smelled like s**t and there was s**t in the bathroom and I wanted the f**k out of there. My room mate was under her sheets sound asleep snoring like a hog so I went back out the door and down the hall to try to see if I could use a phone.

   I made sure I had at least 3 gowns on and my a*s and tits were covered because I had heard that in these places staff and patients liked to get a grab and or worse.

  I decided that as far as the men there I would just be hard a*s and stare them down and if need be beat the f**k out of anyone man or woman that decided to touch me.

  I heard the orderly call out " Medication time line up" And watched everyone line up single file behind some desk to get a cup of water and their pills.

  I wasn't sure if I was supposed to get anything at all but I stood in line anyway and when it was my turn was handed pills one by one and told to stand there as they watched me swallow them all. 

  I asked what the hell I was taking and it was a good thing that I knew my s**t otherwise I would have been clue less as to what I just swallowed down.

  There were big boards and patients names and room numbers and rules of the ward.

  I had to make my bed, attend group, meet with my psychiatrist, bla bla bla. One of the patients told me if I followed all the rules and did what I was told I would earn trips out with an escort and other rewards.

  I decided to do every damned thing they asked and figured that maybe I could get out of that room that smelled like a s**t house and maybe one that had someone in the other bed that I could at least talk to.

  I felt sorry for my room mate really. It was not her fault that she was like she was. I started to see the way things were in one of these places and it was depressing as hell really.

  I started getting to know the staff and watching the other patients so I would know whom to avoid. There were some violent ones that liked to stab with forks at meal times. There were the ones that cried all the time and the ones that lost it and screamed so loud it made my ears ring.

  Some of them were so bad off they sat and stared and could not even feed themselves. 

   The made me feel like my heart would break as I watched them vacant and empty as if they were zombies.

  I saw that some of the staff did not give a s**t and were there strictly for the pay check. And I saw those that I could tell more than gave a s**t and had good and kind hearts and felt compassion instead of loathing.

  I spent that first day talking to my " Shrink" and going to group and listening to each person and their story and what  their goals were before they were released.

   I smoked and talked and listened to bullshit. I started making some craft.

    I sat and watched the television screen and waited for last call for meds. I took mine and sat as long as I could because I was scared of the night and what lay ahead.

  When I was so out of it I was falling asleep in the chair I staggered to my room and into my bed and hoped to God I would sleep through the night. I lay there and thought of my Jessi and I wanted to be with her and hold her instead of be there and not even able to see her.

  I cried and did not make a sound at all.My pillow was wet and I cried until it was soaked.

  Before I closed my eyes I heard the moans of the miserable and the words that made no sense repeated over and over. My room mate snored oblivious to all.

  The last thing I remember before I went into the bliss of darkness was someone screaming.

Author's Note

I will edit later. I just wanted to get it out.