Suicide And Lockdown

My thoughts on my suicide attempt in March of 1995 and my 14 day stay in a Psychiatric Unit. Warning: Language I use is not filtered and it is pretty raw and brutal

I planned the whole thing. 

I woke up that day and decided that I was done.

I waited until Jessi left for school and went in my room and took every piece of jewelry that was worth a dime and threw it in a baggie and hit the road.

 I wanted to hurt HIM the husband that was off with the new love of his life and having HIS baby. I knew the time would come when he would find out I pawned all the things he bought me and get pissed off and hurt and that was good with me. F**k it.

 I took off and went down MI Ave to the shop I always pawned my jewelry and sold every bit and pocketed the cash but it wasn't much.

  I wanted to leave it for Jessi so she would have something because I sure as s**t had not a pot to piss in.

 I was supposed to have lunch with Lisa. She was my best friend and like my sister at the time.

 I went and did just that and never did anything but act like everything was peachy and I was just fine and inside I was dying....She didn't have a clue.

  I went home and thought about what I was going to do and how to do it. Forget the slashing wrist idea. I wanted something less painful..I already was in enough pain as it was.

  I decided to take a whole bottle of ativan. I was already taking it and had a new bottle waiting that I just had filled. Plus I figured how tiny the pills are and it would be easy to chug some water and pour them down my throat. After that I would go lay on the couch and go to sleep and never wake up and I never wanted to wake up again and it would be a relief.

 So later when I kissed my baby girl goodbye and sent her out the door I thought how it was the last time I would do that.

 People don't understand when you are at the point I was that you know you have babies and family and people that love you but you are in such a dark and ugly and hopeless place you can not see that, you see no light it is agony and all you feel is this incredible pain and misery and your soul screaming to be at peace and free. 

 I told myself God would understand and they would understand and not have to watch me sick and struggle and fight for my life anymore and they would have peace as well.

It's fucked up because I had a friend that did herself in when she drove head on into a semi on Ford road a few years before and yet I knew why and understood even when those around me shook their heads in disbelief and mourning.

She was free and soon so would I be.

I went and got a glass of water and my bottle of ativan and prayed to God to forgive me and prayed that I had the balls to actually do it.

I remember taking a drink of water and throwing the pills in the back of my throat, swallowing and doing it again until the bottle was empty.

And now what? 

I sat and smoked a cigarette and thought about what the hell I had just done and the fact that I was going to be dead soon and leave everything and everyone behind.

I looked at my kitties and around my kitchen and the place I would never be again. I walked into the living room and looked at my desk filled with pictures of my Jessica Lynn and my family and friends. I looked at one in particular of my beautiful daughter and her sweet face and light all around her. F**K!!!!!!!!!!!

 It was as if someone slapped me across the face and I did see the light ahead of me and the thick fog of dark and I saw my daughter that I loved more than anything in the world and how she was waiting for me ....She needed me and what the hell was I doing to this precious little girl that now had no Daddy and needed her Momma more than ever.

 I panicked. I ran to the phone and I was so scared as I called 911 because I knew if they did not get there and fast I might really die and I didn't want to die anymore and I was so afraid because I had really fucked up this time. God forgive me Jessi forgive me and Ma and Daddy and everyone forgive me.

 I started to feel the pills hit me and knew I had to standing and moving around because otherwise I might pass out and die before they hit the door.

I went and unlocked it and braced myself with the kitchen counter because everything was foggy and blurry and it felt like I drank a pint of Jack Daniels.

 The next thing I know my apartment is full of EMT's and Canton cops and noise. Someone comes in the door and it's someone I went to High School with and I slur the words" I was fucked up in school and look at me now" and I started to cry.

 They took me outside and sat me down in the ambulance and I could see the neighbors standing there watching the show.

  They strapped me sitting up and kept talking to me and telling me to stay away and hold on. I felt so foggy and I was so damned scared. I did as I was told because I wanted to live and that was what I had to do.

  We got to Annapolis Hospital and they threw the back doors open and stood me up and I fell forward so they threw me into the wheelchair and ran.

  The ER was so bright and they were sticking things in my arms and asking me questions and one of the nurses asked me if there was a chance I could be pregnant and I said " Yes" She looked down at me like I was filth. I felt like filth.

 I woke up and I was on the ceiling and I was looking down at the stretcher and I was laying on it and they were yelling and telling someone to give me something in my IV and they were ripping open my shirt and I saw them with the paddles and saw my body jolt and they would count 1, 2, 3 and hit my chest again.

  I was dead. Clinically dead but there I was down there and I saw no light and no one waiting for me from the other side. I was fixated on that body down there and all of a sudden I knew if there were anyone that could send me back down there to make it right it was God. So I called out to him and I told him that I was sorry and I promised that if he sent me back and gave me another chance I would never do this again. I told him I had to go back to my little girl and my Ma and Daddy and people that needed me and loved me. I begged and I pleaded.

  I woke up and could not swallow and I could not move and  then I opened my eyes and looked over at the machine whirring next to my stretcher and realized they were pumping me full of charcoal.

  " gastric lavage" I thought because that is the medical term for it....I was a CNA for over 14 years and knew my s**t.

  At least I was alive I thought but I knew I had fucked up big time and I was going to spend some time locked up because now I had attempted to take my own life. 

  When they took me out of recovery they sent me to a holding area called PIC. psychiatric Intervention Center. It was on the ground floor of the old Wayne County Hospital.

  I was sitting and trying to light a cigarette and my sister appeared in her pajama pants right in front of me and said " What the hell did you do!" I looked up at her and I was bleary eyed and stoned from the ativan left in me and more interested in smoking and she lit into me and told me that I was going to stay there and sign myself in or else.

 The next thing I know there is a Canton Cop and he tells me to come to the desk and says " You attempted to take your own life which is against the law in the state of MI" " You have two choices, You can voluntarily check yourself in and you will be evaluated and treated and if well enough by the determination you will be released" " Or you can be court mandated and involuntarily committed and you will have to wait to go to probate court and a judge determine if you are well enough to be released"

 My sister stepped forward and told me to sign myself in and I knew what a 5150 meant and wanted nothing to do with sitting and waiting for a court date and someone else in charge.

  So I signed and barely thought about being locked away and whatever was going to happen to me . They were sending me upstairs and I was being admitted. I signed all the papers and talked to whomever and barely remember any of the rest until I woke up the next morning and it all hit me at once. I was in for one hell of a scary and unknown point in my life but I was too stoned to do anything but go through the processing and put on my gown and crawl into a strange bed in a strange place. I remember before I finally passed out I could hear someone crying and someone moaning ....It scared me even more and I prayed to God that whatever was ahead he would hide me under his wing. 

 

Author's Note

I did not edit this yet just wrote it so it is what it is.

Reviews

[Lori Jo Switzer]

Longsuffering,
Forgive me but I am new to this and trying to figure out how to answer your questions from your review of one of my stories regarding my suicide attempt and hospitalization.
I read your profile and can see you are a survivor as I am. : )
For some reason my memory is amazing even during the times that I used drugs and alcohol.
The money that I got that day was waiting for me when I got home 14 days later.
I suppose that it would be possible and is a good question on your part though to ask me if things were indeed different than I remember them.
I believe that my memories of that night are so clear to me for good reason. I am a spiritual person and I believe in what I choose to call God and some refer to as the higher power.
It was worse for my family I believe but yes I was very afraid and very scared and very unsure of what would happen me to in the hospital as I had heard so many things over the years about what being on a ward would be like.
My daughter Jessica is now 28 and married and living in NC. She is amazing and beautiful and has a light that I saw on the day she was born.
She was my saving grace that night and has been many a time since. Most especially over the past 2 years of my recovery and healing process.
My best to you and yours and am pleased you took the time to write to me.
Please send a friend request and I look forward to seeing some of your writing soon.
If you wish to e mail me you can do that at [email protected].
Regards,
Lori Jo Switzer