I DID THIS TO MYSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Something happened today when I was cleaning and found something that not only reminded me of my past and why I stopped drugs but how easy it was to become an addict. genre? Not sure...

I am whom and what I am. And one of the things is a recovering drug addict. 

  I have been an addict since I was 16 years old. I discovered that not only were there drugs such as marijuana but pills were an easy way to get a buzz or come down from a buzz.

  I have medical issues and Psychiatric issues as well and that made my spiral into the hell and dependence of them not only legal but acceptable.

  It was so easy to go and pretty much ask the Doctor what I wanted. And even easier because I am very well versed in medical conditions and pharmacology.

  At one time I had anything at my disposal. I have taken pretty much anything and every upper and downer and many, many pain killers over the years.

 At one time I was taking probably 10 klonopin a day and those are what are called benzos, along the same line as xanax.

  I would mix pills of all kinds and alcohol and that is not only stupid it is dangerous.

  So today when I was cleaning in my room and started looking in purses I found something...A klonopin. 

   I remember when I used to hide them in that same purse and that was in years ago before I cleaned up and stopped.

  I was very stressed out today and my youngest was really whiny and driving me nuts. Jen was sitting on the bed and when I saw that little yellow pill in that baggie I panicked inside.

 I looked at it and just for a second I thought how easy it would be to take that little pill and all my anxiety would go away and I would just be chill.

 Just that little, fleeting thought sent me into a panic and I told Jen I would be right back. I went and got Jake and asked him to come in the bathroom with me and by that point I lost it and was sobbing and kneeling by the toilet.

  Jake is very calm and centered and he told me it was ok and he took the baggie and threw the pill in the toilet and flushed it and threw the empty baggie away for me.

  I continued to cry and tell him what I had thought and how easy it was for me to just swallow a pill and that I was panicked because I have not had that thought before in all the time I have been clean.

  He told me to go lay down and rest but I had to go and do more things and think it through.

  I was afraid to tell Mike but I hide nothing from him and never will. Honest means honest even the ugly things like this.

  I thought about how unfair it is when I have been in pain for so many days that normal people just take a pain med and they can have relief and even sleep and be comfortable. It made me angry thinking how easy others have it.

  I thought of why I was so stressed and it is because school is starting and I have been in pain and feeling like s**t and very, very busy.

  I have not had one of these kinds of pills in my hands since Dec of 2010 and that was a shock to me I think.

  I have access to these kinds of medications every single day and have even handed them to someone but never had this thought.

  But after all the reasoning and even talking to myself out lous because sometimes that is how I work through something.

  I realized that pissing and moaning poor me that can not take pills for pain and bla bla bla DID THIS TO MYSELF!

  Nobody put those drugs in my hand or swallowed them for me I did that all on my own! And I can not blame anyone that gave them to me at all because that was my choice to get them and use and no one elses but MINE!

  The addictions, my demons that I battled and won over and keep at bay when thoughts like this happen are ones that I created myself by my own choice.

  So as I own to my past and my mistakes and anything that I am responsible for are MINE!

  It's SO EASY to become someone like me! The Doctor gives it to you so you think that in your mind and do not expect that the day might come where you don't take just what you are supposed to you take more and more and more until you lose track and before you know it you can not live without them. If you are running out you are trying to figure out how to get more and when. If you can get none you are desperate and you start to find other ones that take the place of that buzz.

  In my case I was already an alcoholic so I would flip back and forth between pills and booze and sometimes stupidly mix them and not even think I could DIE. Yes DIE.....

  I told Mike about what happened when I found the klonopin and I projected his reaction of course. He understood and as long as I don't use it's all good.In our relationship it is a deal breaker if either of us decide to use. I can not live with another alcoholic or addict and he can not live with those things either.

  I love him so much and he is so my soul mate and there is no way I would ever want that s**t and that life more than the life I have with him now.

  So it's all good. I did the right thing and though I was tested I passed with flying colors.

  In recovery they say " One day at a time" But at the beginning for me it was " One minute at a time"

  I plan on staying clean and sober for the rest of my life and I know there are going to be times when something hits me to think of how easy that would be....And this is HARD! There is not one damned thing easy about cleaning up and ridding your body of this s**t and it is a very nasty and ugly process and mine with just one thing took weeks and felt like I was dying.

  I am going to just keep positive thoughts in my head and keep on the path I am on and along the way I am going to share thoughts like this in the hope it might help someone else stay clean and sober.

  I am just the kind of person that thinks that is important and am not ashamed to share my real and honest and raw s**t. Believe me as I write more I will share some really nasty things and personal things. But like honey badger I just don't give a s**t because that is how I roll ; ) Peace

The picture I posted is one of my works titled REGRET BUT NOT MINE 

  

Author's Note

I am not a fan of perfect english though I need to edit more but sometimes just don't give a shit

Reviews

[Z bangbangmaxwell]

How many people have gone through this and not been strong enough to 'just say no''? Too many. Some of them are undoubtedly dead. You did a good thing sharing this and you have every right to be proud of yourself. It is sad that some people can use narcotics and others can't. Good luck to you and thanks for sharing.

[longsuffering]

12, 14, 16 which one? No one can keep up.

[Lori Jo Switzer]

Thanks Bang and Kim.I appreciate this so much: ) I need more reviews and honest ...If it sucks let me know what suggestions you have let me know that too! : )

[Kim]

I could feel the roller coaster ride of emotions, raw emotions as I read it. Very good.