UntitledA Story by Lori Jo Switzer Something I wrote in Jan of this year about my recovery. It really does not matter HOW I got where I am today...All that matters is that I have arrived!
Days like these when I have some time to sit and reflect and even take a brief trip in to what I refer to as " The Time Machine"
These are my thoughts of the day.....Not for the faint of heart or the squeamish!
I am thinking back to this time last year...
Not the happiest of times in my life at all....Honestly one of the hardest and worst and most painful....
I had been alone for 3 months....
I was in much physical and mental pain daily....
I was very unhappy and angry and full of self loathing and blaming myself for everything that had blown up in my face.
The worst of it all was the way I was dealing with all of it.
Even though I had gone back to treatment for my bipolar and depression and was back to taking medication for it and back to therapy....I was doing things that were not condusive to wellness or healing or coping in a healthy way.
Some judge easily and quickly....But to them I say " walk a mile in my shoes".....
It's so easy to get where I ended up really. pain medications are necassary at times but become so easy to take and drown things out.
One pills becomes many....Many become a problem...an addiction....A crutch....
They were one of my escapes from way back when....
When I started using pills again to escape I had already been using my other crutch for years.....
Alchohol....
I had spent 6 years not touching a drop at all...Not even thinking about taking a drink ever again.
I suppose it had much to do with the fact that I was married to a hard-core alchoholic and not a happy and jolly one at all....A very violent and cruel and abusive one....
But during the Winter of 06 I started drinking again.
That was a huge mistake because I had never been able to control it....It controlled me.
By the time June of 07 came around and I was at the end of my divorce I was drinking a bottle of wine by myself at night and had begun to drink during the day as well.
I met my second husband to be.
Two people that both used the booze to drown things out and cope with stress and life.....
It's called enabling and I already knew it well.....I should have known better but I was such a mess....
The only difference between husband 1 and 2 was the fact that 2 was what is called a " functional alchoholic" He worked every day and managed to have some semblance of a normal life.
So to sum it up ...I became what I said I would never become ....I gave in to my old habits and ways....
And then one day I " woke up"
When I say that I mean that I had been living and not even paying attention to the fact that I was not really living.
I was more than unhealthy physically....
I think I tipped the scales at 110 pounds with c;lothes on
I was tired and sick and sick and tired of being sick.
I wanted to be healthy again...I did not want to take pills to drown out life or pain or stress...I wanted to deal with it clean and sober and figure out how to change myself and my life...
And my future...and most importantly the future of my children....
So this December 31 of 2011 I was very proud to say that I have been clean of pills for a year!
I will never go that route again and never try to drown out reality with drugs that I don't need.
I take my psych medications daily and that is all I need to keep me stable.
I am going into my 9th month sober!
I have not had a drink since April of 2011 and will never drink again!
I am proud that I have done these things on my own and am not ashamed that I am writing about it right now.
I am a work in progress and have been for a year.
I no longer hate and blame myself.
I no longer live in the past and know that I can not go back and change it.
What I can change and what I control is myself and the here and now.
Unhealthy people and habits are gone from my life.
My head is clear and I can make decisions that make sense.
I don't look like a skelaton any more....I look healthy for a change!
I don't feel 100 years old anymore....Hell, I don't feel 47! I feel 20!
I have finally realized my dream of being in a healthy relationship with a man.
I don't not NEED a man to make me a damned thing....I have always been something all on my own!
I am not swallowed up by someone elses world and their wants and needs ....I am part of someoes world but by CHOICE on both our parts....Not by necessity!
I deserve to be loved for whom and what I am unconditonally and I am! And it is the same love I give to my partner!
I am no longer complacent about life and the purpose of it.
I realize that all of us are part of life...We are not separate.....
I realize that I have much to give and much to contribute to this world and am going to do it all!
Even though I thought I lost myself that was not so at all....
It just took time to find Lori Jo Switzer again....
Your fate is in your own hands!
I have always said this to others and yes it is so.
YOU HAVE THE POWER TO CHANGE YOURSELF AND YOUR LIFE AND NO ONE ELSE.
YOU MUST BE CONTENT WITH WHOM AND WHAT YOU ARE BEFORE YOU CAN TRULY LIVE A HEALTHY AND GIVING LIFE!
YOU MUST LOVE YOURSELF IN ORDER TO LOVE SOMEONE ELSE!
I know I have faults and I am human and there are times that I make mistakes and times that I fall.....
We all do all of the above....
But the most important thing is that we GET UP AGAIN AND DUST OURSELVES OFF AND TRY AGAIN AND AGIAN UNTIL WE GET IT RIGHT!
I would be remiss if I did not thank my sister and my family and Michael and our family for helping me and supporting me as I continue my journey.
And God and my faith .....
With so many on my side I know I will continue to learn and grow.....As it should be.
I have had the best of teachers and the most patient and kind and giving and generous man on this planet. I love you Micheal Alexander Falatine. You and I were truly meant to be : ) I love you so!
Lori Jo Switzer
Jan, 7, 2012
 Susan Box Fuerst likes Mary Hoskin's link. Christophe |
Den stooora festen som startskott till Institutet för studier av det ursprungligt mänskliga
© 2012 Lori Jo Switzer
Author's Note
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I cut and pasted this from my facebook so I apologize for the mess at the bottom.
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Added on August 30, 2012
Last Updated on August 30, 2012
Author
Lori Jo Switzer
Belleville, MI
About
I am 47 years old and the single Momma of 4. I have loved to write since I can remember. At one time I believed I could make something of this. I am a recovering alcoholic and addict. I have been .. more..Writing
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