Subsurface Dawning-Ch. 1, part 1

A segment of chapter 1

 Noriko sat in the headmasters office, fidgeting and sweating at the brow. Tearing herself up inside. 

        “what is this about?” she asked out loud, as if the wall would surely answer her. She tapped her nimble fingers against the leather armrest and closed her eyes. She could now hear the sound of footsteps approaching and her body grew tense as the brass door knob turned. She had spent weeks waiting for this. Receieved letter after letter reminding her to be here today to discuss important bussiness with the city council. It wouldn’t be so nerve-wrecking if they had told her why she was needed. Noriko had never heard of anyone her age being asked to speak privately with the council. Had she commited some crime she wasn’t even aware of? But that couldn’t be. She was Noriko Kuroki, after all. The classic good-girl-type, honor student and prefect of  Eyrithian Acedemy for Advanced Students. She never caused any trouble, every one knew that. It must be something much more complicated she concluded just as the door opened.

        “Please, take a seat in the conference area,” Said a man whom, Noriko guessed, based on his name tag, was named Roku Oshini. She obayed, and sat down at the large table in the center of the room.        

        “I suppose you want to know why your here.” said the headmaster, Youji Miura. Noriko swollowed hard and nodded,  however she wasn’t  sure that she really wanted to know. She would be perfectly fine leaving and forgetting this whole thing.

        “We need you to go up to earth and stay with the mortals.” said Miura-San stiffly.

Noriko’s mouth dropped open in disbelief. 

        “I know, I know, nothing like this has ever been done before in hundereds of years and its very dangerous, but war time is approaching and if we don’t have spies investagating the mortal’s weaknesses and making allies on the other side, we don’t stand a chance,” cut in Oshini-San.

        “ But why me?” asked Noriko. “I’m 16 years old, I have school and work and a social life outside of that to keep up with. I don’t want to go snooping around on earth, risking my life!” The man looked at her solomly, a crease forming in the middle of his forhead, the wrinkles of stress adding 10 years to his face.

        “Because your the only one we can really trust. You don’t cause trouble, every teacher at this achedemy reccomended you as first choice for the job.” Just great, thought Noriko-this is why she hated being the good girl. “We need someone younger, that way they can quickly adapt to an enviornment unlike Eyrithia without too much difficulty and will be least likely to be caught since young age suggests innocence.” They are completely and utterly insane, Noriko thought to herself. War is coming, so they send a teen spy to collect data? What was this madness? The look of desperation was now showing on the faces of the council members as Noriko contemplated just what to say. 

Reviews

[Eldee]

Several key points that I think you might want to take a deeper look at...
a) Spelling and Grammar, I had a hard time reading through this because of the many spelling and grammar mistakes. As an example, in the first line, the second sentence is a fragment. You should have joined it with the first sentence. You also misspelled "obeyed" and "you're" within the story. There were other places which needed a thorough spell check, but just sliding this through word should help with that.

b) Characterization, because this is a chapter rather then a prologue you really need to show your character to the reader within the words. While you had some personality description, I really didn't pick up any appearance or indepth personality. The character was very one-dimensional.

c) Length, it was quite short. You had plenty of room to expand with descriptions and explanations.

If you just look those things over though, you'll have a much better beginning on your hands!