Self-Dungeon

Short poem written on July 8th

Rest human soul
you are chained to the floor,
yet you know where the key lies.
Your heart dies
as time flies.

Author's Note

Reviewing will be kind to get but I would like sincerity :) always appriciated. I dont mind criticism...

Reviews

[scatterbrain]

you have something here. i'm really, really digging this short lil thing. but you miss out on suspense, and give wayyyy too much attention to making that rhyme work. and i really hate this poem because of that rhyme. if anything, you've set the wrong place to rhyme....
i think you can cross boundaries/genres here and get into mystery and horror. here are my suggestions, already edited:

Rest human soul.
You are chained by my rule,
you are detained to my room.
There is no key.
There is no time.
Rest, human soul,
because your heart is meant to die.

fads;jlkjfzx.v,mw. that's my attempt. literally took 20 seconds, so there wasn't much deliberating. I would like to see it lengthened, perhaps doubled in size, and would like to see a CONSISTENT theme. "rest human soul" is aching to be a passionate voice, but "Your heart dies as time flies" is... blah. those two lines do not equate.

that's only my perspective. i love what you have, but I feel that there is SO much more. good luck :)

[SilentDreamer]

Hm well I agree with some of what scatterbrain says as there is a lot that can be done with this poem but as is I'd say that it's a very creative idea. And has good flow because there is rhyme but it is very short. So great job, interesting peice. :)

[Dawn Jones]

I like it.
I don't really think there is anything ta pick apart here because I think you got yer point across with just those few lines. "You know where the key lies".... isn't this the truth?

I love it, Princess.
Keep up the good work ;)

[NoneOfYourBusiness akaK..]

poignant~ piercing~ a revelatory poetic~
a very strong write!~

[DamienHino]

You know what it takes to change and how to get on the right path but yet you sit idle in pain.

[Johnny A. Rojas]

Short deep and to the point....i like it says everything in few words

[scatterbrain]

here's an idea:
write this poem as many times as possible. make it about love, then make it about horror, then make it about the heart, then make it about the key. set it in a house, set it in a basement, then set it on a cloud. make it about the prisoner, then make it about the guard/thief/whoever.

i'd LOVE to see this as a poem that has been re-done many times, tweeked just a few words to make it represent something entirely different. chew on this and see what you think :)