Self-Dungeon

Short poem written on July 8th

Rest human soul
you are chained to the floor,
yet you know where the key lies.
Your heart dies
as time flies.

Author's Note

Reviewing will be kind to get but I would like sincerity :) always appriciated. I dont mind criticism...

Reviews

[scatterbrain]

you have something here. i'm really, really digging this short lil thing. but you miss out on suspense, and give wayyyy too much attention to making that rhyme work. and i really hate this poem because of that rhyme. if anything, you've set the wrong place to rhyme....
i think you can cross boundaries/genres here and get into mystery and horror. here are my suggestions, already edited:

Rest human soul.
You are chained by my rule,
you are detained to my room.
There is no key.
There is no time.
Rest, human soul,
because your heart is meant to die.

fads;jlkjfzx.v,mw. that's my attempt. literally took 20 seconds, so there wasn't much deliberating. I would like to see it lengthened, perhaps doubled in size, and would like to see a CONSISTENT theme. "rest human soul" is aching to be a passionate voice, but "Your heart dies as time flies" is... blah. those two lines do not equate.

that's only my perspective. i love what you have, but I feel that there is SO much more. good luck :)

[Randolf Ramos]

This is a short poem with thousands of meaning. This is pure genius that a single poem could branch into an endless meaning.

For me this poem means that, as humans, we work hard, go to college and earn education, marry, have kids, love, care, give legacy and that we are restless to find the meaning of life. Then, we are to die, and what is all about our effort while we live? Though we found the key to a happy life or more the meaning of it, but we will die.

What is good is we already set a trace in this existence in every simple way we have, we took flesh to make a difference in one's life.

Good poem indeed!

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Keep on writing
I got to learn a lot from you.

[Madame Quill]

Interesting. Lots of hints toward hidden meaning and emotion. Well done. This is proof that size does not matter when it comes to poetry. It is the amount of soul you put into the words that counts.

[Miss Coral]

Wonderful first three lines you have there. Actually, wonderful piece, though slightly stained by the last couplet. It takes away from the write, the power of the imagery. Personally, I don't think it needs to be lengthened, but perhaps just made more genuine by the removal of the rhyme. Overall, nice piece. c:

[Brad]

it is a bit choppy, is this stating that your true self is in bondage while you play out what everyone else wants? is the key to true freedom found in your heart? i do like poems that make me think things out

[Jonathan De Elvira]

if i look at the title, I would imagine its a long poem but its not...
there are so much potential for this one,
I guess u should make it a bit longer just for the main key in this poem to really shine...

Anyway, wicked idea you have there..

[Cynthia]

I love it. Actually, I don't have much to comment about, I am not good in poems, but I love the sentence ' Your heart dies as time flies'.

[Ashley]

is short but a good use of words. if it was me i would put
"yet you know where the key lies,
your heart still dies
as time flies."
without the comma it would flow better. but thats just my opinion. good poem though

[Candylove.]

Liz, this is amazing. Hands down, one of your best and strongest pieces. I love this! Favoriteeee :)

I like this as a draft of a poem that has a lot of potential. I don't really have an issue with much, except the structure. Try separating the last couplet to get more effect out of the words. Otherwise, this has a simple, but valid message. Keep up the good work.

[Bard Constantine]

A subject I can relate to... self imprisonment. A paradox that many find themselves in, rotting in a prison when they hold the key and can escape any time they wish. This says a lot in few words, which must mean it's quite good.