Self-Dungeon

Short poem written on July 8th

Rest human soul
you are chained to the floor,
yet you know where the key lies.
Your heart dies
as time flies.

Author's Note

Reviewing will be kind to get but I would like sincerity :) always appriciated. I dont mind criticism...

Reviews

[scatterbrain]

you have something here. i'm really, really digging this short lil thing. but you miss out on suspense, and give wayyyy too much attention to making that rhyme work. and i really hate this poem because of that rhyme. if anything, you've set the wrong place to rhyme....
i think you can cross boundaries/genres here and get into mystery and horror. here are my suggestions, already edited:

Rest human soul.
You are chained by my rule,
you are detained to my room.
There is no key.
There is no time.
Rest, human soul,
because your heart is meant to die.

fads;jlkjfzx.v,mw. that's my attempt. literally took 20 seconds, so there wasn't much deliberating. I would like to see it lengthened, perhaps doubled in size, and would like to see a CONSISTENT theme. "rest human soul" is aching to be a passionate voice, but "Your heart dies as time flies" is... blah. those two lines do not equate.

that's only my perspective. i love what you have, but I feel that there is SO much more. good luck :)

[Wandering Violet]

I really like this! So much is summed up in those five short lines. Nice work!

[Samantha ~virginpoet]

loved this unique lil poem

[Johnny Westbrook]

short and simple, but with a heck of a punch :). this is a great write and i can see you doing a lot more with this if you really wanted to. it wouldn't be a surprise if you make this into a short story or a longer poem. either way i love it and if you do add more, i would diffidently read.

[Arabdha]

i've always loved short poems..and this one is brilliant..they say so much in spite of their brevity..! it never ceases to amaze me..and you have done that again :)

[Tasha]

i loved it, and you could always go into a deeper meaning if you every wanted to. amazing job.

[Keoni]

you speak like in a cloud above the ones in wich you wish to address.....spooky....do you really mean it or is it reflecting how you feel you are being seen? we can all be prisoner to our own need for love, a one second look into the eye of the one i was engulfed by, put me down for a week......broken hearts, although only break once......bleed forever. k

[Fanfiction Girl]

I love it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[.]

this is a unique write~u seem to be able
to undue your chains--but your heart
seems not to have the "heart" or will to.
(just my perspective) -
wonderful poetry i think !!! (really)

:)

[Frank F. Atanacio]

This was so good- short-- but packed a wallop! Very nice :) Frank

[Art Sun]

nice work...there a variety of separations within the physical human...even the Soul has a heart...

nice...