Chapter 1

An introduction to the story

"Gareth, please come out of your room now! It's time to eat" Gareth's mother yelled from the kitchen.

She was making a steak with mash potatos on a fancy plate. The kitchen looked like it was taken from a movie, with fancy dishes hanging from a ceiling and furniture made of wood. His mother was wearing a pink T-shirt with black jeans. 

A young boy came in to the kitchen, he was wearing a brown sweater and brown light pants, his skin color was white and his color of hair was blonde, haired formally. 

"I'm here Mom" Gareth said. 

His mother put a silver plate aside.

"Good, now could you do me a favor and put the plates on the table? Your father is coming early from work" Said his mother

"Okay, I'm doing it right now" Said Gareth.

He grabbed 3 silver forks and put it on top of the silver plates as he took them to the table, it was beginning to get late as the sun was already setting over the horizon. 

Gareth put one silver plate on the front chair of the wood table, then the other two on each side of it.

The table was made of pure wood, Gareth's father got it from Canada when he went to a business flight to vancouver. 

The bell rang from the front door. 

"it must be your father Gareth, go open the door please and remind him that you're already out of school" Said his mother

Which was true, Gareth had already gone out of school today. Summer vacation had already started and Gareth felt really bored, but they couldn't go anywhere because his father had to work all summer vacation and his mother too, so there weren't many options for Gareth's planned family trip.

The little boy ran to the front door, he open it. A tall man wearing a black coat with black formal pants and brown brief case appear knocking the door, this was Gareth's father. The man put his brief case aside and gave a warmth hug to little boy.

"Don't worry, I know what you're going to tell me, you're already out of school!" said his father smiling. 

"And since last vacation we didn't go nowhere because your mother had to work, this vacation we're going to Los Angeles to visit your grandparents and maybe go somewhere there too" Said his father lifting the boy up.

Gareth's mind spun around his many thoughts of happiness, his family was finally going to go to a REAL vacation! and going to his grandparents house seemed like a good Idea, his grandfather always told him real stories or made up stories to keep Gareth entertained, they were even writing a book but who knows if his grandfather still remembers. His grandmother always hugged him and made hot chocolate with cookies at night for him, it was a good life with his grandparents.

"Hey, But don't tell your mother okay? I want this to be a surprise" His father smile and walked towards the kitchen.

His father greeted his mother and they both went to the table with Gareth and ate dinner. 

His mother had clean the table and put two candles on each side of the table with a red place mats on each silver plate with a cup of Coca-cola on each plate.

 

His father was telling his mother about some guy at work that got fired because he didn't do some papers that his father asked for, while his mother told him of how she and Gareth went to a library and read some books. 

"Speaking of books" Said his father swallowing the food hi had on his mouth.

"Have you read the book that I told you to read Gareth?" His father said 

"The one that's called "Percy Jackson and the Olympians, the lightning thief"? 

"Yes I have father, it was really really good" Said Gareth in a sort of cold way

"Is there something wrong son?" Asked his mother in a preoccupied tone.

"I just feel really tired, we did two hours of math and two hours of P. E today" Said Gareth in a tired voice.

"You can go to your room if you want to rest Son" Said his father giving him a warmth smile.

"Thank you father and thank you mother" Gareth got up, grabbed his plate and put it in the dish washer and off he went to his room. 

Gareth pass the T. V room where he and his father would play video games, the bathroom, and the house's family where father's and mother's books would be place all around the place. 

He went upstairs, the second floor was all made of wood, literally The floor was made of wood. 

He entered his room which was at the end of the corridor while his parent's was next to it with a table that had family pictures, it looked like an intersection. 

Gareth's room was painted in a olive green color, with planes hanging from the white ceiling and a collection of cars on a table. His bed stood next to the a big window, still, sun light could be seen in his room but it was already beginning to be dusk. 

The T. V was in front of him, he had the idea of watching T. V but he decided that it was better to rest.

And so he did, he changed clothes to his pajamas and wrapped himself around the blue blanket, after minutes of laying there, he felt asleep.

Reviews

[Michelle Coleman]

Immediately, I feel stuck in dry detailing, which is something I have worked hard to avoid because it can be very distracting from the story. The kitchen detail, I know, was already pointed out for you. When the vision of a filthy Fight Club kitchen was paired with fancy dinner plates, a whole different concept was brought to mind. This is what a reader will do if the scene is not made clear.

When you want to describe items worn by a character, or even physical features, try and fit them into the story somehow instead of throwing them onto a page. For instance, is his mother wearing her favorite pink top in anticipation of her husband returning from a business trip? Does it fit her in such a way that nothing is left to the imagination or does she try to hide her flaws inside the fabric? These sort of details will introduce us to a character far faster than telling us what adorns a body.

When the boy enters the kitchen, his skin tone is defined. Is this because he stands out in the family or are you trying to make it clear that you are writing about a "white" family? Usually when someone's skin is described as white is because the character was scared to death. If you want to introduce an ethnicity, there are many ways to do this without succumbing to lazy social stereotypes. By describing hair textures and bone structure, for example, you can say quite a bit about a person's heritage.

Be careful about using the same word multiple times, especially close together in sentences. For example, "it must be your father Gareth, go open the door please and remind him that you're already out of school," Said his mother.

"Which was true, Gareth had already gone out of school today. Summer vacation had already started and Gareth felt really bored, but they couldn't go anywhere because his father had to work all summer vacation and his mother too, so there weren't many options for Gareth's planned family trip." The word 'already' is used three times in this small section.

When I first started writing, my vocabulary wasn't quite as large as my ideas. So I became very good friends with the thesaurus. Between this book and a whole lot of reading, I began to understand how sentence structures work. How they best flow.

Run-on sentences are used throughout this chapter. I would suggest going back and revising to break them up into proper sentences so the reader isn't left stumbling over a long string of words and changing thought patterns.

Creating action between dialogue is important, which you seem to understand. Here, I find the delivery of details as important as those you share in relation to your characters. It is understood, for example, how a table is set. If this particular action carries some significance, add additional details. Say, for example, while Gareth is setting the table, one of those fancy plates slips from his small hands and crashes to the floor. Or perhaps he spots a chip in a dinner glass and doesn't say anything because he is afraid his mother will get upset. In that silence, someone might end up cutting a lip while taking a drink. Setting up future scenes can happen in the smallest of details. On the other hand, if the detail is not important, leave it out.

When the father rings the doorbell to his own home, you may want to explain why. Are his hands too full? Is he wanting to surprise his son? If so, his mother won't let on to who is at the door. Maybe she wears a knowing smile when she tells Gareth to answer.
When the father sees his son, he immediately tells him that he knows what he is going to say concerning school being let out. This leads to plot redundancy and unnecessary detail. If the child is answering the door, the father will understand that school has been let out for the summer. We also get that the man at the door is his father, so that detail can be removed. When I was a child at the end of a school year, my parents would always congratulate me on passing my grade level. Perhaps the father can mention something along those lines with pride and happiness for his son instead.

Vacationing in Los Angeles can maybe be brought up as everyone sits down to dinner. Or maybe over desert. One thing to keep in mind is that he travels for business. This implies that his communication skills are impeccable and well understood by a child. Rework how he might deliver the news. If you need help, watch a few speeches intended for young audiences or read some books for young readers.

Overall, this chapter seems to be made of "filler" in the matter of detailing actions and scenes with detachment. There isn't anything to pull a reader in. I tend to begin a story with a bang to catch attention.

[Lizardo]

I see where you're going with this, Thanks for all the tips on how to make a story, I do really need them, either way I needed a review like this to tell where I was wrong and how to improve.
So thank you so much, I'll try to make something better then.
Again, Thank you.

[Michelle Coleman]

I still need to read your second chapter. 😜 I am curious about the dream.

I am so happy that you weren't overwhelmed. When I first began writing, I had a couple of very good teachers who were quick to point out areas of improvement. If it had not been for them, I might not be where I am today.

Sharing stories is a great calling and I look forward to seeing how yours unfolds.

[Lizardo]

Well thank you so much :) You can read chapter 2, but I will improve chapter 3 with your tips

[Michelle Coleman]

I look forward to reading them both. 😊

[C. Lee Battaglia]

Lizardo my man,
There was a few typos here and there but I could hardly even tell because of how well you wrote! It had lots of discribing and I could see things more vividly... I could tell you listened to me about adding more detail! XD
Awesome job and I can't wait for Chapter 2!
Make sure you get to read some of my new writing! XD
Keep up the awesome splended job!

C. Lee Battaglia

[jonah]

you got some real talent here, Lizardo :) a normal life is a good beginning for a book that's gonna talk about weird happenings xD I haven't read chapter 2, but i'll check it out when I come back here. and also I really like how you describe the environment and things clearly. great effort. keep it up :)

[Lavender Soya]

Good start lad, you have skills when it comes to narrating each event. Moreover, I was able to see the vivid imagery that you are trying to build. I agree with the previous review, it doesn't reveal anything and so readers will remain curious on how the story will go and what will happen to Gareth. Keep up the good work! Shoot me a read request when chapter 2 is done. :-) See you around.

[Lizardo]

It's already done, but I will xD Thank you so much for your kind review Lavender! It means a lot

[Daisy]

interesting start..... well done. wish you good luck with your new story
good job

[Lizardo]

Thank you so much! The fun starts in the second chapter

[Cool Girl]

This is really good so far!!! It's also very interesting and kept my attention! I can't wait to read more :)

[Lizardo]

Oh the Fun stars at the secon chapter my friend :) The fun stars in the secon chapter (Diabolic laugh xD)

[Cool Girl]

Lol that was hilarious xD
Okay, can't wait!

[Lizardo]

hahahahaha xD but seriously, thanks for the review haha

[Cool Girl]

You're welcome!! XD

[DoormanDan]

This intro is very good. Its just the right length, keeps the readers interest, and doesnt really reveal what will happen in the story, which will keep readers curious. I notice that your story writing ability is getting better and better with every story you write. Keep it up! I look forward to the next chapter :)

[Lizardo]

the plot will start from chapter 2, thank you so much Dan!