When i was 18

A poem about sexuality and curiousity.

When i was 9, i made out with my best friend under a blanket at a sleepover

we said we were practicing for our crushes

but immediately following she told me she was sick and had to go home that instant

and we woke up my parents and she left

the next day my mom asked if i had gotten her sick with all that "hugging and kissing"

and my heart raced faster in fear than it ever had before.

when i was 10, my new best friend told me that her parents were separated,

and asked me to tell her a secret in return, and i told her, "well there is this one secret,"

but i became too embarrassed to tell,

convinced that me and another girl kissing was worse than her parents separating.

when i was 11, i learned what a lesbian was in art class where my classmates were making fun of them

"someone who likes their own kind," they said

and i laughed along but to myself i wondered why on earth they thought it was funny

at the most it seemed curious to me, but not something i would make fun of

when i was 13, i watched a show about a bisexual woman

and my eyes would widen in curiosity and something else i wouldn't admit to when she made out with other women in bathtubs,

they kissed and i thought it was beautiful.

But after i watched it, i felt disgusting, and i would force myself to not watch the show because it made me feel wrong.

when i was 14, i asked all of my friends if they thought they would experiment with girls in college,

and they said "eh, probably not,"

and i said, "eh, probably will."

when i was 15, i had my first crush on a girl

and it was short, and fleeting, and never went anywhere,

but i still have the ponytail holder she let me borrow on the day i realized i liked her body as much as her personality.

when i was 16, i fell in love with a boy, and any feelings towards girls were temporarily disbanded.

when i was 17, i spiraled into a deep depression, and dated boy after boy, looking for something to fill my empty places,

but all they did was allow me another form of self destruction, and when they held me, i'd pretend everything was alright, but it wasn't.

when i was 18, my friend told me she was attracted to me

and we drank alcohol and made out in the stairway of someone's house

she tasted sweet and soft, and i liked the smallness of her waist.

when i was 18, i fell in love with a girl that had stumbled across my poems on the internet

and every time we met i felt invincible

when i was 18, i had a threesome with a boy and a girl

and we kissed, and we touched, and in the morning we left to never see each other again

when i was 18, i got drunk off of whipped cream vodka with my friends in my treehouse

and my best friend made out with me until i became aware of it, and reminded her that she was straight

when i was 18, i took a 2 hour train to see a lesbian i had met on the internet

and we drank bottles, and bottles, and bottles of wine,

and we had drunken touches, falling everywhere with her dog jumping around and our inability to move any body part the way we thought we could made every moment turn into eruptions of laughter

when i was 9, 11, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, i thought i was straight.

when i was 18, i thought i was bisexual. Then i thought i was gay. Then i thought i was pansexual. Then i thought i was a homoromantic heterosexual. Then i thought i was straight. Then i thought i was fluid. And depending on who asks, and when, i will name any one of these as the label that describes me, and feel perfectly confident about it. And I continue searching, everywhere, for the one label that will explain the way I feel, and make me feel like I belong. Like I'm not just wandering around in a permanent state of confusion of who I am.

But the truth is, i don't know.

I have no f*****g idea.

And i've tried to come out of the closet, but half the time i don't even feel like there's a closet to come out of.

I want it to be normal to not know. I want it to be normal to not have a label that explains who you like.

Because the truth is, we change every day. Sexuality is fluid. You are not attracted to the same people every moment of your life. And it's okay to try things out with people of different genders and sexualities, in fact, it should be encouraged. It doesn't mean you're gay, it doesn't make you a w***e, it doesn't mean that you are undeserving of love.

When I was 13, my cousin and I were on myspace, and someone had set his sexual orientation to "Not sure,"

and we laughed because it seemed the most ridiculous thing to "not be sure" of who you liked.

And maybe it is ridiculous, and maybe "not sure" is the unsophisticated way of saying that i have an obsessively open mind, but whatever percentage of myself was watching life from inside of a closet, 

i am damn glad i made it come out.

You don't have to live with limits.

Reviews

[Sinead Sammy]

i liked it..