To Sing Like the Mockingbird

Tonight is the night. Tonight. No backing out now. All we have to do is make it through dinner...

‘Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry.’ It becomes a constant mantra inside my head. My foot begins to wander under the table. I need to find him, know that he is still there for me. There a foot. I slam down on it and from the intact of breath next to me I know my foot hit the right mark. I feel his hand rubbing my leg and he begins to hum so quietly that only I can hear it. I take his hand in mine under the table and turn to face him. He is facing straight ahead but his eyes flick to mine.

“Tonight?” I whisper. The sound of my own voice scares me. Too hoarse, too broken. I used to be able to sing like the mockingbird but that time has passed now.

He nods. Ever so slightly but I can still see.

“You’re sure?” I ask the question that has been hovering over me all night.

He nods. I let out the smallest sigh yet instantly stiffen again when I think of what that nod means.

“How?”

His lips move for the first time tonight and I move in closer to him to hear the words that will stop time.

“After dinner meet me at the corner. We’ll drive to the top of Gusher’s Point, and…” he breaks off but I don’t need to hear anymore. I know. He will be there tonight and we will go to Gusher’s Point. We will stand together and the edge of the cliff and hold hands. There we will end our lives and make good on our pact.

But for now, at dinner, surrounded by my family, it will have to be our secret.