The light in your fight

I feel havoc inside of me,
this internal traffic is holding me back.
Sometimes I don't even know how to get back on track.
I feel that I Lack self esteem, I am a fein when it comes to substances.
weed, alcohol, and MDMA are my satisfaction,
I use it to feed my inner demons.
I need them to ease my inner thoughts,
All they do is tease, so I do anything to please.
My mind is my own destructive little monster,
It is one of its own kind,
It feels like I can never find peace.
I just want to release this part of me,
this part that feeds off of me.
My mother see's this and it is like looking in a reflection, all caused from her own rejection.
my father never even got the chance to see, he couldn't stand to see me passed three years old.
I was always told to never fold, to stand up straight, even when I was ten and saw my mother have a seizure.
All I ever wanted to do was please her.
I needed her.
She was also a product of a broken home, I still remember the foam that peaked out of her mouth when she overdosed,
I reminisce to waking up to broken Corona bottles,
everything had gone south.
I had no light in my life, I wanted to give up the fight. To die seemed like lifes greatest gift,
it wouldn't be much of a shift,
I was already dying inside,
trying my absolute best but never succeeding,
life was clever,
with never a moment of solitude,
I never knew what to do.
Until this clue hit me, I knew it was true.
I heard a voice, it told me I had a choice.
This voice was so calming and sweet,
she was my ultimate treat.
she told me my life does not have to subcome to this, she delivered my life's greatest dream.
A voice of direction was all I needed, she feeded me exactly what I needed to hear,
she wiped my tears when my fears got the best of me.
A grandmother's love and compassion can go so far, this was the woman who completed it all.
she picked me up everytime I would fall,
I would not be able to stand this tall without her.
I dream of giving her a better tomorrow, she is my inspiration, the hope filled inside of my heart.
I can't wait to start, she will have everything she ever dreamed.
Sometimes life throws you the hardest challenges, just hang on tight, keep up the fight, you never know when you will find your light.