Broken Beloved

The first time I heard you sing this certain song, I was spellbound. Even if I couldn't fully grasp the lyrics because I was lost in your voice, the whole meaning of the song still deeply tingled my soul. I felt the goose bumps crawl on every bit of my skin.

It wasn't exactly the words that blew me away, but the bittersweet emotion that you put in it. The feeling was exquisitely overwhelming, it made me wanna cry. That time, though you might not have noticed it, a little part of your guard had cracked. Discreet as it was, I saw an innocent child within you. A child who was lost and scared. A child with muffled screams.

From that day, I started to wonder. Every time I hear the same song being played, or every time I hear you sing it randomly, I get this strange experience of not being able to breathe evenly. I have to take a deep breath and blink multiple times to stop the tears from falling from my eyes. It is inexplicable, but maybe your inner child has reached me.

Could it be?

Could it be that you are also crying alone in the dark? Could it be that you also want to be heard and found? Could  it be that behind those jokes, behind those carefree smiles, you are also broken? Could it be that you are just an awful lot like me?

You know, I thought loving you secretly is already a torture, but nothing is actually more painful than watching you put on that happy-go-lucky pretense when I am aware that deep inside, you are somehow shattered. Just the idea of you hurting doubles the pain on me. I don't want to think that my beloved star is little by little losing its blaze inside.

Because I am perfectly familiar with the feeling of heavy emptiness. I know what it's like to die within, while desperately keeping it hidden from the world. It is like you are a ticking bomb that will explode anytime. It is not beautiful in any way. That is why I don't want you to experience it. Ironic, right? My love for you is the major reason why I am having these bottled up feelings, yet I don't want you to have the same emotional fallout, no matter what your own reasons are.

The hardest part? I don't know what to do to help you. If I can even help you. How can I heal the wounded man who has unknowingly broken me? Am I even the person whom you need? 

I badly want to connect to you but despite you being near, it feels like you are too far away. Too far that you can't notice me. If only you would strain your ears and listen carefully, you'd hear me weeping like you do. If only you would squint your eyes and look in front better, you'd see that I'm just close, offering my hand to you. But you are too busy battling against that internal chaos to give heed around you.

What else can I do? For now, I can only cry silently, hope that it can also reach you so you'd understand that we're no different. And when the time comes that you're tired of fighting alone, I'll drop my own battle just to fight alongside you.