Trapped

Just a random rant. Don't mind me.

Ever feel like you want to go back to the old you but you just know it's already impossible? You keep telling yourself, "This isn't you at all," but you can't do anything to revert back. Or you can't figure out if you really want to go back. Like you're trapped, lost, and you do not know the way out.

I used to be this kind of self-centered person, you see, and I thought I was perfectly cool with that. Less dramas, and you were not so much affected about everything that people had to say about you, because duh, you rarely give a s**t. Some people even told me that they wanted to be closer to me, but they felt like there was a high wall between us that was keeping them from understanding me. I didn't give much thought about it. I  I didn't care. Hell, I didn't even know what they were talking about. That was actually the biggest upside of being somehow disconnected to the world. I was fine then, until it changed.

I became a public servant, which was kind of ironic, because what the hell, aren't I a cynic? I didn't trust people, to be honest. So I didn't know why I entered a job where I was forced to deal with people, but I just did. And from that, things started to turn upside down, I started to change. Little by little, I learned to care. Damnit, I learned to care and that was when everything became complicated. Slowly, I lowered my guard a bit. I am no more as reserved as I was before, and I thought it was fine. Why not? I make friends, I get along with a lot of people. I am happy. Or so I keep convincing myself.

It's not that my 'friends' are not fun to be with, because the truth is, I always laugh when I am with them. And I mean every smile and joke I give them. The thing is when you spent so much time fooling around, taking things lightly, people get used to it. Literally everything becomes a game for them, they take everything you say as a joke. And even you can't already tell if there still is something serious about your life.

When you're sad and you choose to keep to yourself for a while, there will always be someone who will point it out. "Hey, you're too serious! It isn't like you!" But damn them, what do they know? They make you feel like you don't already have the right to be serious anymore.

It's what makes me miss my old self, those times when people could take me seriously because I was serious. And it's when I totally figure it out. Thing is, it's when you're surrounded with people that you learn how different you really are. That's when you'll see the real distance, and you just know you are too far away from them. And I realized, all the laughs and jokes, much as I actually mean them, are just my tools to cope up with the new environment I'm in. Because I have to go with the current. But behind that cheerful façade, still dwelling the realest me. That girl who loves deep and serious conversations. That girl whose perspective is too complex that it often scares people.

Oh sure, there was a high wall between me and the people around me; I now understand.  But I wonder why... back then, those people never did anything to break that wall. They knew there was a wall, but they didn't do anything about it. And now, just when I am making an effort to bust that wall, people are building it back.

So finally, I get it. They don't really want to deal with that serious person behind the wall. They're​ okay with the front I show them. Because the inner me is too intimidating, too scary, and no one's brave enough to delve deeper to understand her. 

When I was shutting them out, they pretended to care; when I tried to reach out, they shut me down. So in this case, where am I supposed to stand? I want to go back to the time when I was completely oblivious about this whole deal, because back then even if I was alone, I never truly felt lonely. But there's no way I can turn back the time, and that realization is fucked up.

In my present situation, I am not supposed to be serious, I am supposed to always cheer up. But damn it, I'm exhausted. Forcing yourself to smile when all you really want is to breakdown is totally taxing.

Reviews

[Sheila Kline]

Writing is a wonderful release for our pent up emotions and I have certainly been one to use that release many times from rants, to the "please feel sorry for me" verses, and the ones that reveal that lots of life is too difficult to understand or accept.
You have explained these emotions with clarity. I can imagine myself being there with you as you continue to show the caring side, the side while you are crying inside, just plain fed up with all of it!

[Rei Cn]

Writing has always been a way of escape for me. :D I love being lost in words, and forget everything in real life for a while. I just love the feeling of writing, but some people won't get that. Anyway, thank you for the lovely feedback. ^_^ So much appreciated.

[goodbyeaccountgoodbye]

I can relate to this so much, especially lately. Thanks for making me feel less alone.

[Rei Cn]

The pleasure is mine. :) I can't totally understand. I wrote this when I thought I couldn't handle it anymore, so I used writing as my outlet. I'm glad it could also help other people.