Life

For this new year, I need to make a change in my life.  I need to find myself more.  I feel myself slightly falling back into that old pattern of overly-enthusiastic love, and I don’t like it.  I do love you, don’t ever doubt that.  But I don’t want it to be one of those big crazy relationships where you’re so “in love” with the other person that you forget everything else in your life, your friends, your hobbies, school, even yourself.  Our relationship needs to be balanced and healthy.  We’re great together, I know that for a fact.  And that’s why our relationship can and will be as balanced and healthy as it should be.  When you’re upset and you’re having doubts and feeling lost and  hopeless, I will be your rock.  I need to detach my emotions from yours, and make sure that I’m unconditionally supportive of you.  At the same time, however, I need to find myself.  I need to find hobbies that I enjoy and that keep me happy and healthy.  When I can’t be with you, I don’t want to just sit at home alone and wish that I could be with you.  I want to have other options, other things that I can do, and that I feel just as happy doing.  

I’m not sure what kind of feeling I have about this year.  I want to believe that it’ll be better.  I want to believe that problems will get resolved, and everyone will be happy and there won’t be any stupid bullshit conflict.  But honestly?  I just don’t know.  I’m still waiting to see.  When I was little, I used to make elaborate resolutions for the new year, but those resolutions never got fulfilled, and I just ended up disappointed and feeling like a failure.  This year, I believe that my main resolution needs to be to find myself, and to stay true to myself.  I’m the only person I have a 100% guarantee of being with for the rest of my life, and for that to work, and for me to be happy, I have to love myself, love myself more than anyone else.  I need to be strong for myself, and I will.

I’m a strong girl.  No matter how s****y and fucked up things get, they ALWAYS get better.  It’s just part of life.  There’s ups and downs and in-betweens, but the important thing to remember is that nothing is permanent.  No happy or sad or angry or upset feeling is forever.  Things are forever changing, and I will be flexible, and change with them.  I will be the ocean.  Sometimes stormy, tumultuous waves and sharp stones and angry skies and cold wind and rain.  Sometimes joyful, blue skies and bird sounds and peaceful, mellow waves gently cradling everything in Mother Nature’s web of life.  Just like the ocean, I will flow in and out, and go with the flow.  I will learn to adapt, and to not depend on anyone else for my happiness.

Life goes on.