Can You Feel The Love Tonight

My first story ever...so gimme a break:) But I want to know what you think so please let me know!!

    I open my eyes and I see myself surrounded by so many of...me? Except that they are all so much bigger than I am and some have weird twisty branches coming out of their heads! I look around beyond the herd and I see large trees that seem to hover over like they are trying to protect something. I like the scent that I am smelling now. It's...fresh. It takes me a little while but before I know it, my shaky knees bend and I begin to hop all over the place. I begin to run before I can even be told that I should try walking first. This is fun! 

    

My mom is Doe #4 in our circle and my dad is all over the place...he never spends too much time with me but Mom is always looking out for me. She is always saying how it's getting cold and we got to get moving out. I don't understand why she says that...it's nice out! On the big day when we were all getting ready to move out, I ask Mom if I could take a quick run about the place for the last time. I really like it here but I'm told we won't ever be staying in one place for too long so I shouldn't become too attached to my surroundings. 

   

 We begin leaving and every mile kind of feels like forever. It's getting dark already and Mom says we should all take a break. I don't know why they hardly ever listen to Mom but Mom always has something smart to share! Mom is always glancing in my direction but I try to give her a convincing stare that lets her know I'm okay. Suddenly, out of nowhere I feel a huge pounce on my back and I'm forced down immediately. I don't know who did it but it sure as hell hurt! Mom's eyes go wild and all the other deer begin to run away. Why are they all leaving me? I feel a really sharp pain by my throat and my blood splatters all over the...the... spotted skin and mean looking thing that is sucking on my insides! I want to break free but if I try to fight, the mean beast just sticks himself harder into my neck. Why is he doing this to me? Why is Mom leaving me? I hear her cry but then I know why she has to go. The beast will pounce on her too. I don't want the beast to hurt my mom. She turns around one last time and I try to force a smile.

    

This feels so different from when I was born...I was surrounded by my fellow deer who congratulated me into the world. Now? I'm all by myself and I'm being dragged away from Mom. I felt the love and the peace when I came out of Mom but now? No...I can't feel anything. 

Reviews

[Ł σ s s σ ғ Ł α �..]

;-; Poor bambi...

[livelovewrite]

wow! i almost cried at the end! this was supposed to be a happy story! but still a very good job! keep it up because u can only get better!

[Nishmas]

Great idea, but you need to learn how to express it better. Here are some mistakes I found. I hop these help you with your next story.

At the end you forgot to add a comma here, I added it for you: I felt the love and the peace when I came out of Mom(,) but now?


You use unneeded words/phrases like: "seem" or "kind of" or "suddenly"

Ex: Suddenly, out of nowhere...

Ex: I look around beyond the herd and I see large trees that seem to hover over...

Ex: We begin leaving and every mile kind of feels like forever

You used the same word in two sentence that are right next to each other:
Ex: ...my shaky knees bend and I begin to hop all over the place. I begin to run before...
You fall between past and present tense a lot.

[brook]

I LIKE IT NICE JOB XD

[SamBug]

This was excellent. You really made this one speak to me. Great job!

[Liza]

a very concise expression of emotion that is felt and jumps out of the pages, excellent.

[darkgurl]

I like it, reads so well. When it comes to a story each paragraph you have that you have indented should be spaced. The story is very well written. I like it alot

[Patient Poet (Yos)]

Hahaha a bit confused but a beautiful try , Layla Tov Yossi

[The Analog Kid]

I would break up into a few paragraphs. A very powerful first write. Just a bit of fine tuning and some literary devices and this could be great! I would definitely work this some more...