Lampooning

It's a lampooning of the horoscope

A Horror-scope for 2019

Aries

Aries the first sign resembles the horns of a ram.  2019 is a year of pulp fiction. The predictions made by astrologers are facile and incoherent. Count on hope rather than in luck. Chant this mantra: FORBELLUM SINCTUM CALMAITUM. This year you are going to have the fear of smells. Avoid smelly places. Lady luck opens her eyes and then closes it. Pinch on your n*****s thrice a day for luck.

Taurus

Taurus is the sign of the bull. Chant this mantra for what you aspire. ARCANIEUM MUNDANUM LACTORIUM. You will have to pull a cart in both directions. Kiss a virgin before you go to bed.

Gemini

For Gemini the sign of the twins this year is smooth and flexible. Don’t believe in astrology. Chant this mantra thrice: LEKULUM PAKANIUM SECULUM.  Scratch your a*s three times for this year being a successful one. Chances are likely to be twin faced as your signs say.

Cancer

Cancer the sign of the crab has hope waiting in favor. Chant this mantra thrice: SECULUM NOSTALGIUM VANESIUM.  Drink the milk of a lactating mother. Refrain from high places. Collect some of your hair and burn it.

Leo

Leo the Lion has smooth sailing this year. Chant this mantra thrice: FOOLISHM CANADIAM VANDANIUM.  All astrologers are liars. Pinch your skin day and night. Eat the petal of a flower in milk.

Virgo

For Virgo the Virgin, new opportunities open up not because of the stars but because of hard work. Chant this mantra three times: VRIGILIAM ANEDUM SANTICORIM. Your effort will be rewarded. Pat a woman on her but to make things easier for you.

Libra

For Libra the balancing scales, this year is one of fruition not because of the swagger of astrologers and tarot readers. At the work place people admire you for hard work Skip five times a day and be kind to yourself.

Scorpio

Scorpio the sign of the scorpion has a year of results. Chant this mantra: DEVILIUM SINDICUM PLASORTNIUM for luck. Look at the bums of a new born calf to be successful.

Sagittarius

For a Sagittarian there is no stagnancy this year. Chant this mantra twice: MYOPIUM RIDICUM RIDDICULUM to make this year smile. Keep on adding zeros to a 1 digit and when done exclaim that you are silly one. You can carry the world on your shoulders with a smile.

Capricorn

For Capricorn the goat this year is tasty meat for you. You will rubbish astrology as a myth.  Chant this mantra thrice: WISTILUM MERGATIUM TREMINIUM to be lucky.  Write: I don’t believe in nonsense 210 times a day.

Aquarius

For Aquarius the water carrier the world will flow smoothly in your vessel not by luck or by chance but by your own efforts.  Chant this mantra: ANADIUM CONDOMIUM RUBICUM to yield beneficial results. Take a virgin’s hair and burn it.

Pisces

For Pisces the fish, the astrologers have rubbished you as a sign of fish floating in opposite directions. That has been a personality stigma. Remove all the negative influence of astrology. Chant this mantra thrice: LCUCKYNIUM ACHIEVIUM TREMENDUM. Gently rub the behind of a cow this year for one’s own satisfaction.