Insomia

Sometimes I really wish that I lived alone. Even if it was some s****y little apartment with too many things inside and just enough oxygen for rodents to dwell. 

I want to be able to bask in complete and utter silence one moment, then to be able to blare music and scream my lungs out until my throat becomes dry and irritated.I want my thoughts to drown me, to take me away from reality.

Then there comes the realisation that I am someone who becomes lonely much too quickly and at very inconvenient times. The thought of what my thoughts could do to me while I'd be on my own petrifies me, it shakes me to my very core.

But right now, that's all I want. To be secluded. Away from everything, everyone. Sometimes that all I want, and simply being in my room with a closed door doesn't do it anymore. I feel like I'm suffocating. The walls in my room are slowly creeping in, I can feel the people that live with me, I can feel my neighbours through the walls. My room is stuck in between too many others and I just need to escape. To be alone.

But then I become lonely, and I feel like no matter who you put me beside, I won't feel their presence. I won't feel my own presence. I'll be staring down at the situation before me, hovering above everyone else, having an outer body experience. At those moments I'd give anything to feel like I'm suffocating, like there's too many people around me, but I won't.

I hate what my thoughts do to me. I hate how my brain doesn't seem to understand that it needs to shut off to allow me sleep, how this lack of dreamless slumber is making everything worse. The bruises beneath my eyes keep getting darker, my lips are raw from teeth that constantly grind against the delicate skin, my heart is aching from the pointless scenarios that play in my mind, and my body is weak and is slowly giving up.

Author's Note

1:34am kill me

Reviews

[Sav]

I absolutely love this. I especially love the lines, "The walls in my room are slowly creeping in, I can feel the people that live with me, I can feel my neighbours through the walls," and "At those moments I'd give anything to feel like I'm suffocating, like there's too many people around me, but I won't."
I love the way you write, really. It's all so honest and beautiful, like I'm creeping into your brain and nesting in for a few nights. I'm glad you make writing one of your creative outlets, and I do hope you keep it up.

[Jaz_o]

i enjoyed reading this , well done

[madmocha]

I used to live in a big city. I would get so closed in feeling I had to drive two hours to get into the country, just so I could see fields and breath.

Your writing is so intuitive, so real. That's all for here.