Happiness

She closed her eyes, and she started to think, think of everything.

Remembering things from her childhood, events playing in her head like from a video tape, not a DVD, but video, because she always liked video more. She liked the re-winding process, she liked sitting cross-legged on the floor in front of the television, and laughing at her childhood, all recorded onto a couple dozen tapes. She missed laughing, she missed the feeling. Feeling like she was alive, like she mattered. She remembers her first kisses still, though she pretends like they didn't happen, because they were only small, and he probably forgot all about them. She remembers the little kisses she'd give him, only at the age of three or four. She remembers how even then, her stomach would twist and turn at the sight of her best friend. How nice it was to remember these things. How nice it was to re-live those feelings.

Remembering happiness, leads her to questioning it, the feeling, just never seemed as good anymore. Being a child, everything made her happy. The way the rain felt on her skin, or how when she scraped her knee and cried, someone was always there to kiss her forehead and cuddle her better. How she'd run around in her bare feet, not caring. How the way she looked, didn’t cross her mind. The only thing that mattered to her was people's happiness, and making the people she loved happy. She didn't know the meaning of the words sorrow, or depression, and it didn't matter. They could have been made up for all she cared, because to her, living was happiness, and happiness was always there. It never seemed to go away when she was young.

Opening her eyes, she misses that feeling. She misses the feeling of being alive, of real happiness. She misses laughing honestly, laughing so much until her stomach would cramp, until tears fell down her face and breathing was impossible. Her stomach still cramps, tears still fall down her face and breathing is impossible, but it isn't because of happiness, no, of course it isn't.

Now she opens her eyes, and takes a deep breath. She watches the light from her television dance on the ceiling. The sound is muted, and she can now think. She tries to forget the feeling of sorrow, she tries to burry it deeper and deeper within herself. It is late, and she doesn't want to feel pain anymore. No, she has decided that tonight, she will feel happiness again, even if it isn't real, she will pretend for tonight, and she just drifts into a sleep. Her mind is still filled with all of her memories, of everything that's important to her, everything she wants, everything she needs. Her months have been filled with sleepless nights, and gloomy days, with feelings of pain, and sometimes no feelings whatsoever. Now, she’s in deep, deep sleep. Her mind is filled with vivid colours, and memories are brought to life. She doesn't toss or turn, she doesn't wake suddenly during the night, she just, sleeps.

Author's Note

Rough draft,not too sure about some pieces.

Reviews

[madmocha]

Thank you. I put something on one of the other pieces about writing something when your feeling... better, happier. It was already here. :) I just hadn't gotten to it yet.

[neo]

good one... reminded me of my childhood memories...
as i always pray...."make me a child again just for tonite"

[Sav]

I really like this. It's so beautifully written, honestly.
I hope you add more of your writing because from the two pieces you have up, they're both very good and you're very talented.