Traveling Gnome

Traveling Gnome

With each fleeting memory, I somehow remained painfully aware that the clock was stealing time; and the calendars were dropping days as quick as tears could fall. I still had so much that had yet to be said, but instead I sat here frozen in thought, hit with the sudden realization of how painstakingly impossible it felt to write. My heart wrestled with my mind, fighting to form and arrange words into brilliant sentences. Each had something different to say, but both were fighting for a chance to begin again on a blank page. I was caught somewhere in between not knowing who you were, while somehow also understanding that you would never be a stranger to me. ‘What was I feeling?, I would delicately ask myself. Perhaps that is the fragile definition of what it means to feel heartachingly numb. It isn’t that you feel nothing, but rather you feel everything all at once in a single indescribable moment, and neither the mind nor heart, though aching simultaneously, are capable of comprehending the monster known as grief.

Perhaps that is why even now, I find it devastatingly impossible to write in black and white. You were the first person that I loved in any real or extraordinary way. We were so different, and yet so alike. Even before speaking, it somehow felt like I had known you for an entire lifetime. I felt connected to you by an invisible thread, and even as the distance grows, I still do. As the years go by, I have come to understand that a door is a lot like a book. The door slammed shut for us so many years ago, and we both found ourselves living out two separate stories. While I no longer feel guilt or regret in the fact that your chapter in my story had reached its end, I will forever wish that we had the opportunity to rewrite a better ending. When we said our bitter goodbyes, the door slammed closed with the worst ending to a story that my eyes had ever read.

Even though we never gained the opportunity to rewrite our ending face-to-face, I have come to consider travel to be much like a book, packed with exquisite adventure, spontaneity, and never-ending plot twists. It is filled with tragedy, but also happy endings. Travel is every bit a part of my story now; it is engulfed with hundreds of blank pages and new beginnings. Though its first chapter consisted mainly of a deep desire to escape, and a desperate attempt to forget your name, its newest chapter will now and forever consist of including you in every new memory. Much like writing, travel is my one and only way of staying connected to you now. The grief may have never died, but staying connected in this way converts my tears into laughter, and my sorrow into joy.

If I have learned anything of significance on my journey thus far, it would be what I have learned about grief. Even though you may fall apart temporarily, you cannot allow grief to become a dark void in your world forever. Doing so diminishes the love; and though now invisible, is still very much alive through memory. There will eventually come a time where you must take up that cross of grief and continue walking and moving forward. It may look messy, it may feel unbearable, you may not feel like you have it all together, and there may even be temporary moments where you feel as though you are losing every last ounce of your sanity and sense of who you are. That is okay. That is what it means to be human.

I believe that it is truly amazing whenever we are hit with a flood of what we like to refer to as “random memories”. What if in reality, they are not as random or coincidental as we make them out to be? What if “random” memories are actually a gift from God, allowing them to live on in our hearts and in our minds forever? What if those memories are actually a gentle reminder that even though they may not be in our lives anymore, they still played a remarkable and extraordinary role in our journey? If I have learned anything about grief and love, it would be this: how you choose to remember someone, always matters. Maybe they cannot be physically standing by your side anymore, but you can always keep them with you. When you see grief as what it really is, which is love but in a different form, then you learn to find your peace in knowing that there is no longer any need to feel guilty for living, being happy, or even finding new love. You continue to live your best life, knowing that they will always be a part of you forever. So when you’re journeying through grief, rather than living like you’ve lost, remember to live like you’ve loved; for if there was no love, grief would not exist.