'The Locust' 1982

AFTER MY FATHER DIED, my mother moved us into my first step-father’s house. My bedroom was creepy, with two doors in the middle of the house. One of the doors was a pivot door that would not stay shut. There was a four foot tapestry portrait of the scariest Indian I’d ever seen. His eyes seemed to follow you in the room wherever you went and he was wearing war paint. I was told the portrait would not be removed under any circumstance. My bedroom was a converted garage that still had garage windows in place. My room filled with shelves of old books and dark brown paneling.
I lived there from age seven to twelve. I was heavily controlled, punished, and constantly doing chores. Needless to say, I did not sleep well. The only dream I remember during my five years there was one distinct vision of a locust.

 

Getting out of bed I opened my bottom dresser drawer. The drawer was filled with a vast bright and cloud filled sky, with a locust way off in the distance. The drawer seemed to expand as I peered in and "the whole scale of the dream widened. The locust was approaching me at fast speeds. He went from the size of an ant to the size of a bi-plane, his wings flapping towards me in sustained yet pulsing motion.

 

Locusts can be symbolic of transformation, tearing down the old to allow for new growth. I was certainly in a state of change. Despite my step-father’s heavy-handed warped parenting, he was a man who believed in God. We attended church regularly. I eventually asked the Lord into my heart. I didn’t really think that it “took”, so I asked over and over to make sure God knew I wanted him there.

My mother finally got us out of there, she left my step-father after a series of unexplained punishments I endured; he had also kicked my oldest sister out. The list to justify leaving was long, never-ending, we were thankful to go.

By then I was in eighth grade. I grew up fast. It didn’t take long to ignore God and give all my love (or so I thought) to a boy. Eight years later, I realized I couldn’t possibly understand love, not true unconditional love. I was way too young. I finally worked up the courage to break it off to try to come to grips with myself.