Snooze

 

Jill was distraught, she woke up to another odd dream. She was at a concert and suddenly found her lover, a seat behind her. As she turned around he smacked a huge kiss on her and she leaned in for another... “This love has taken its toll on me, she said goodbye too many times before…”—she reached over and hit snooze.

 

She had left her marriage, model house, and was on her own for the first time ever. Living her life backwards. Dabbling into writing, though she was no writer. It was as if she was finding herself through the words (rather distracting herself), though stress had taken its toll. Good advice from a friend had clear instructions to go pick out a new book that was pink or had shoes on the cover—anything but self-help. Jill responded quickly perusing the new releases and ran right into “Eat, Pray, Love”—it was perfect.

Just a few pages in and Jill realized she could have written this memoir (for the most part)—if only she had beaten this author to it or had paid better attention in literature class, or had the gumption (but perhaps she did, perhaps she should try). Perhaps she would write a fictitious novel, instead of a memoir, but say the main character was Jill (since she’d get tired of writing “I”), but then eventually mix up the first and second person tenses as she got on a roll—but she knew her audience would “get it” so she’d not be concerned with writing it one way or the other—she’d do both, why not? Defy the laws of writing (or was this more common than she knew), she’d be a cross-referenced fiction/memoir author leaving the audience to question what was truth or fiction. Or her editor would fix it later. Perfect.

 

Jill’s health was failing. She had reached depths of depression she was unaware of and finally asked for something to take the edge off, to which the doctor replied how smart she was to be that aware. But something was still very wrong. Doctors ordered blood test after blood test all to find out she did not have any auto-immune diseases—since one did not exist called heart-brokenitis. Though she did discover she had extremely low Vitamin D—which can bring on a slew of things like depression and flu-like symptoms all the way to a high-risk for cancer.

She was prescribed a mega-dose, eight weeks and she’d be tested again. She was told to be patient, to bear with them, when she requested the test again at only the four-week mark, as well as a slew of other tests. Jill was good at being patient, but a mega-dose scared her given her obsession with googling her ailments, finding blogs (which she knew she should not be reading) holding varying conflicting medical advice. At least all other tests were negative giving her some peace of mind—other than the large bruise on her arm since they had to fill six painful swapped out vials with her blood.

The technician had approached Jill, clearly annoyed she’d requested so many tests and snootily set all the vials down and said, “Are you ready for this? And next time, come in the afternoon when I don’t have so many other patients waiting.”

Jill replied, “I’ve been fasting, I might faint after all that, do you think—”, the technician cut her off, “Oh well.”

Jill realized she’d brought this all on herself, she’d asked for all those tests, she’d have to tough it out. Perhaps there was a lesson in it for her—she always believed that. This lesson, she didn’t need all those tests, trying to figure this out so desperately was causing her body more stress.

 

She had kept in minimal touch with her ex-to-be and he had sent her an article titled: “Those Low in D, Twice as Likely to Die”—nice. She actually was happy to see the article wanting desperately to get the word out that all should test their D levels, so clearly the word was out—and even another friend had a friend-of-a-friend whose doctor said it’s becoming an epidemic.”

“…Twice as likely to die” came back to mind—she did feel close to dying, when she found another lump. The last one was passed off to be fibrocystic, a fluid-filled common lump that would increase and decrease with the fluctuations of hormones— truly not a problem. Just another ailment to make Jill worry or to keep her b***s perky (bonus)—but mostly to make her worry.

She was certain she would not be as alarmed this time as the doctor exclaimed, “This is a HUGE lump” (the last thing you want your doctor to say), comprehensive screening is in order straight away.”

 “Alright,” Jill complied, “but is another x-ray really necessary? The last one went away. These are common. A sonogram should do.”

“No” the doctor replied.

“Fine”—at least she had gained back some of the weight she had lost—eating by force. The more weight she gained perhaps her b***s would come back hiding the lump, so at least she’d be less compelled to keep touching it—yup, still there.

And she did have a Vitamin D deficiency after all—the other latest headline, "90% of Women Found with Cancer Had Low Vitamin D Levels"—should she be more concerned this time as she pushed it out of her mind. She refused to worry, and if God were to take her, perhaps that would be easier than figuring out what the heck she was doing. Though she knew cancer was certainly not the way to go, “Please Lord, I trust you, but let it be something else, OK?”

 

Jill decided to take the much needed break. She packed “Eat, Pray, Love” in her pool bag and went out for some sun—or Vitamin D rather. Her girlfriend (also going through a separation) met her there and chatted away—really all Jill wanted to do was read her book. Her friend had left her husband around the same time, was already dating her lover, and talking about the stream of houses they’d already put offers on—not to mention she’d kissed a handful of boys too.

Jill wasn’t dating, no lover in sight, a kiss (what’s that? In her dreams, since it had been geez, beyond a year now! She’d not gone a week in her life without one—until she got married), and hadn’t even sold her house—the one her husband was still in for that matter. And with this housing market, good Lord! But that wasn’t even the worst of it. Every time she met with Mr. Ex she had a plan or paperwork to review or something, he wanted to small talk—clearly dragging his feet trying to put off the impending divorce. To make matters worse, a year had already passed and Mr. Ex had turned from Mr. Difficult to: Mr. Sweet, Mr. Accommodating, Mr. How-Are-You, Mr. What’s the Hurry, Mr. Hope You Are Well, Mr. What Problem, Mr. I Still Love You, Mr. I Wouldn’t Have Left You, Mr. Hope To See You Soon—clearly a trick, right? Good Lord!

Good Lord—lately her favorite thing to say as issues kept piling on. She hoped that’s all she would have to say to remind the Lord that yes, he’s good, but to call on him out of exasperation, to symbolize that she’d take all that was thrown at her, and just keep on praising—like good ol’ Job had—but “Good Lord, seriously! What next! Alright already… Help!”

And yes, Jill continued to petition, “I know you won’t tell me it’s ok to divorce, but can you come down here and tell me to do it anyway? Please.” Jill knew this would never happen. And she was truly convicted to do what God wanted, knowing it would be the best thing for her, whether it was what she wanted or not—damn! Since Jill didn’t have the answers yet, perhaps her friend in “Eat, Pray, Love” did. Jill certainly wasn’t prepared to follow suit with all the other separatees who dove straight into dating—and as it turned out, so did the author in “Eat, Pray, Love”. Was something wrong with Jill? Ah yes, heart-brokenitis—no cure yet, should she start a fundraiser, an association…perhaps a book would do in the meantime.

 

Jill continued to read her friend excerpts from “Eat, Pray, Love” as they laughed at the authors uncanny adventures that spoke so perfectly to both of them. Though her time with her friend was fun she was pleased her friend had another engagement—ah finally alone with my book, but damn it’s hot she thought. Jill went for a dip and the moment her toes hit the water she was approached. Well, he seemed nice enough she thought, and maybe she should be somewhat social, so she chatted awhile, but he talked so much her fingers were about to wrinkle. She finally excused herself to swim, an excuse to kindly move on, in hopes to reach her pool chair and book soon.

As soon as Jill sat down, book in hand, another random pool guy a chair over said, “Sure wish the sun would come back out.”

Jill bluntly replied, “Hmph, it was too hot anyway”—with her book so close to her face clearly he would stop talking.

Immediately followed by, “So where do you go for nightlife around here?”

(Sigh!) Even more bluntly, “I don’t go out.”

Kindness took over as he continued to chat, an hour later and three propositions—“Are you sure you are not going out tonight?”

“NO! I’m really not! I’m a writer, that’s what I do. That’s all I’m doing tonight. Really, not going out. And I’ve had my fill of sun. Time to go. Hope you find something to do, take care.” (That’s the summary.)

He replied, “See you next time.” (Oh dear.)

 

Next time Jill thought she’d bring her iPod to guard her time of solace, in lieu of a fake book jacket a funny friend suggested she create that says, “I’ve got an STD, what to do?”

Haha, funny, Jill retorted, “If only I weren’t so concerned about what people think, but yeah, that’s pretty funny. Perhaps a book jacket that says, ‘I’m Married’, if only that would work, that would encourage them!”

Or how about, “Once You Go Black, You Never Go Back”

“But what about the black guy from the other day? What if he—”

“Ah, that won’t work, scratch that.” It got funnier as we continued. Perhaps, “I’m a Lesbian” the friend replied—

“Encouraging as well perhaps? Oh geez.”

After several more funny titles they both agreed NO book cover would work and if this was her biggest problem in life, well, come to think of it, it was not such a problem but comic relief as the friend replied—“Enjoy your pool time Stella!”

Now if only Jill was divorced and vacationing in Jamaica while all this was occurring—something told her she still wouldn’t be getting her groove back, not now, not yet, and certainly not like Stella! Jill had something else to be doing, if only she could figure out what it was, she’d continue to be patient (what was starting to seem like some odd space of ever expanding time where she’d be losing her window to ever have a family, though not truly convinced this was what she even wanted—ahem). While walking away she thought of a perfect book cover, “Abstinence and I Mean It—Really No, I’m Not Going Out With You Ever and I’m Not Having Sex (not unless it was with her lover in her dreams), And Seriously Not With You So Don’t Bother, and Yes We’d Have To Be Good Friends First Anyway, and Oh, Don’t Let Me Forget To Mention—We’d Have To Be Married First.”… It occurred to Jill this could backfire—how would the book designer possibly come up with an intelligent design, too many words for sure!

 

Ten minutes later, Jill stirred to, “I knew how it felt to be another one in need of someone to show the way until you saw a part of me that nobody else could see and my life hasn't been the same...”—she turned snooze off this time. And scrawled down her dream the moment her eyes opened—a routine she'd now done for several years whenever memories allowed.

 

Made coffee, got online for way too long, decided to start her book, wrote her first chapter, and then finally decided to drag herself to the pool—“Eat, Pray, Love” would be in tow of course. But then she wondered, was it ok to reference another book so many times, would she need permissions? Perhaps the same publisher would pick her up? Yes, that would be smart on their part. Perhaps she’d become friends with the author—in her mind she already had. Perhaps Jill overanalyzed things. One thing she knew for sure, she’d need a good editor. And then suddenly fear set in, Jill had not planned out her book. No outline. No…—she stopped herself. This was “a new Jill” and she was flying without a—oh that’s too cliché’—her first chapter was just fine. And all the rest would be just fine, if not, who cares! Pleased with her newfound flow of carefree writing she hoped this was how the rest of her life could start to progress—no plan, just doing what’s next without over-thinking—mistakes be damned. With no other obligations, all she had to do right now ­­could be pretty darn simple: eat and go to pool.

 

***

 

 

 

Author's Note

Hopefully the minor tweaks just made this better, indenting & setting off dialogue. Thanks for suggestions! Any kind of feedback welcome... thanks! Got a couple more chapters in the works, can�t wait to add them.

Reviews

[Nicholas Hallows]

I think the main question should be did you enjoy writing it? And if so then you should keep going.
Even though I don't really feel as if I am your target audience with this piece I could relate to several aspects of it. Especially the hypochondria. Also the idea of thinking you have thought up an original concept, but not having read every book ever written, you don't know if it has been done before. I suppose that is why reading is the best way to learn about writing. I also like the fiction/non-fiction blur; makes me think of Brett Easton-Ellis as you never know how much he writes is fiction or personal experience.

If you are going to make intertextual references (ie Stella) personally I wouldn't then explain the reference. I would leave it to my readers to make the link. If they do they will feel more connected with the author and therefore characters (in my opinion - I'm the kind of writer who would rather be obscure than make explanations). As far as grammar etc nothing really stood out - which is a good thing. And it read fluently.

If this is a character you feel fond of then I would definitely say continue. I may add more to this review if anything pops into my head.

Thanks for sharing.

[crazy iowa girl]

I loved it. It's scattered and in turmoil but flowed well. It is as if Jill is trying to fill her mind with anything but the divorce. And so she finds another crisis to focus on. Her health. And although that takes her mind off the divorce, it is equally disturbing. She knows the one way to shut her mind off is to read a book. I can feel the frustration clearly as people around her keep preventing this only escape. I liked it.
One thing that stood out is that Jill had asked for all these tests. In reality tests are rarely done unless the doctor feels they are necessary. I once asked for a simple thyroid test and I had to jump through all the medical hoops to get it done. Even if I said I would pay cash and not go through insurance. Maybe you have had other experiences that prove this to be inaccurate.
I'll get to next chapter tomorrow. Keep writing. It's good.

[TL Boehm]

yup it is coming along nicely. I am curious to find out what exactly is going on with Jill.

[TL Boehm]

And I can't wait to read them. Sorry for the delay in coming over, I've been swamped. This is nicely written, I like the tone of it and the dialogue - I would say you are off to a good start, and I agree - as long as there is JOY in the writing, that is what is primary.

[Celtic Cat]

The first thing to hit me in this piece was obviously the dream. A quick study in dream interpretation many years back told me that when you have a "reconciliation" dream...a reconciliation is on the horizon. HOWEVER....this reconciliation may not be with the one you reconciled with in the dream. Usually they are a stand in. I had this happen to me and was amazed when a completely different person approached me out of the blue and apologized for our rift and wanted to be friends.

I like the title, keep it. I love the free flow...go with it. You are right....that's what editors are for. I would definitely like to see you continue with this. My man's brother is in the midst of a divorce himself and he is up against the same you say you are - the different MR titles could easily be applied to his MRS. Divorce is never easy.

I also didn't miss your little ahem about creation as it resonates deeply with me as I consider....you know what we just conversed about. I think the most intriuging movies are the ones that start at the end and work their way to the beginning so don't fret your seemingly backwards life. It is ok and all in the Universe is unfolding as it should. Keep leaning on God and keep your chin up and no matter what becomes of all this after it is written.....JUST KEEP WRITING!!!!

Hysterical book covers and I'm sorry I have no advice as a friend who bought a fake engagement ring to wear only found that as encouraging as a marital band to men. Personally, I'd go with the STD one myself, but I'm not much help as I've not much experience in being hit on! silly me used to think it was a bad thing! lol

I think you should write this and not just for yourself, but for the next woman who finds herself in your shoes. As long as a lesson is learned and even better passed on than it all is not for naught.

Love you, honey! Please send me an email or comment when you post the next bit....I'm way behind in my read box!!

[Carole]

You've got an interesting story going here, Tanya. I could definitely see you working this into something. I love how you started the piece out with the dream. Engaging! You made me want to start a book with chapters...Nothing ventured, nothing gained!

Is all of that true about Vitamin D levels? I once had very low levels. It's like my body wasn't absorbing it or something. I take it now, but I still struggle with fatigue. You wrote quite a bit on that, so I am thinking you must know quite a bit about that subject. I had to go to a specialist to find that out and probably wouldn't hurt to get rechecked. If you have any other info will you send it to me?

Thanks for sharing! Carole

[M Lamont]

Impressive! It engaged me and mad eme want more once I got to the end. I look forward to what happens next with "Jill".

[Raef C. Boylan]

I enjoyed how, as you say, over-analytical this character is; we witnessed several deliberations, which grew bigger the more she thought. I like how she got carried away a few times.
The conversations about the off-putting book covers were both funny and realistic, which was good to see.
Are you leaving this as a complete story in itself, or a glimpse at an expanding project? We don't find out how her cancer scare ends, and I wondered if this is deliberate in a 'life goes on' kind of way or if you have more chapters in the making.
Like Nicholas, this style doesn't really fall into my 'preferred genres', but it was a pleasant read and I think if you can maintain the narrative voice you've created here, any further chapters will be equally good.

Thanks for sharing.

p.s.
"as they laughed at the authors uncanny adventures" [author's?]

[Emily Elizabeth]

Interesting first chapter, but it's probably given me a Vitamin D scare! XD A very intelligent and thoughtful prose, I really enjoyed reading this. One thing, however, is you might want to organize your dialogue a bit better, so that they are on corresponding lines instead of the same line. Also, I've noticed you repeated 'Good Lord' twice in the same paragraph. Also there doesn't seem to be any solid direction, and it seems a bit over the place. But it was engaging, which made up for it
I agree with Nicholas- if you enjoyed writing it, don't stop!