In Between the Dreams and Nightmares

so many exist

sometimes. . .

for days

i can't sleep

as my brains

sometimes

they can't stop

all the pains

of the mania

when it hijacks the body

then i welcome anxiety

very exquisitely

in waves of insanity

inconsistently

consistent

then the mania

of the manic

again 

it comes back

sometimes. . .

all detached

they control me

sometimes. . .

they retreat

i come back

depressed

and reattached

once again

to control me

and my meat

objectively

but still always

ms predictable

she eludes me

and s**t

all predictably

and f**k. . .

i will never make sense

even when i make sense

i'm a mess

of excuses

always used

to fall down again

respectably

in between the dreams

and nightmares 

there lies for me

my existence

perpetually

on the edge of disaster

i find horror

i find beauty

in all of her madness

she is breathtaking

she is backbreaking

i wouldn't really know it any other way

i wouldn't really want it any other way

Author's Note

Reviews

[Dara]

This write is breathtaking. It could almost be the description of someone having a bi polar disorder. I am wondering too, if the 'she' mentioned in the poem is a woman or referring to an emotion or psychological phenomenon that is feared or dreaded but at the same time is so familiar and electric that it is like being in love over and over again. As you say "I wouldn't really know it any other way...I wouldn't really want it any other way."

[Davidgeo]

It is indeed a distorted description of having bi-polar disorder.

"she" could be anything at any moment, internal or external. Some people prefer it that way, but it is never not at times chaotic.

I think there is a "healthy" way to deal with being bi-polar. Always living in the moment but with a good memory and a whole lot of humility and shamelessness keeps the reality of self destruction to a minimum and the duty toward personal responsibility at a maximum.

Some people are just too far gone though... it's a shame, but, that's why certain drugs exist. Sometimes it's better to be chemically dulled around the edges than batshit insane on a regular basis.

[John the Baptist]

I don't know if this one is intended to be taken literally, but as a former mental health worker it brings back memories of what I saw many times. The mind of a person in mania is in overdrive, bursting with energy. Sleep is an impossibility as thoughts race continually. The speech pattern is rapid, jumping quickly from one topic to another. The last two lines are especially meaningful. The manic person really wouldn't have it any other way, because mania is like being on an extended high until exhaustion or medication slows the engine down. Dave, I really hope this isn't a self description.

[Davidgeo]

Don't fret. Even is this was at one point a self description... there is nothing I cannot overcome. But I highly doubt you have genuine concern for my well being. Maybe you should use your other profile? And, as you should know, dispensing professional advice of any kind outside of a clinical environment is unethical. But, you already know that, right? (what kind of "mental health worker" were you?)

[Davidgeo]

.... you might of picked the wrong fellow to bullshit about being "Mr Mental health Professional"

[Mitchell J.U.]

"i wouldn't really know it any other way

i wouldn't really want it any other way."
The most successful wisdom.
Thanks for sending read requests. I don't always have the pleasure of getting on here as often but when I see the notices I intend to keep an eye out for yours. I hope this was as temporarily cathartic for you to write as it was for me to read.

[A Soap Mess Stories]

I interpreted this as having bipolar or some other mental illness. You captured the essence one way or another the trauma and struggle of mental illness. Good writing.

[Edie Blue Starfish]

I t is such a great poem, thank you for sharing,
The ending is really good and leaves you to guess as to who "she" is.
Is she a real person or is "she" referring to life.
Relationships can be beautiful and back breaking just like life can be.

[Davidgeo]

She is the cost of moving forward.

I'm glad you enjoyed this. There is more meaning in this one than others.

[annalysiar]

It just... takes you for the ride and leaves you breathless...
Beautiful work.
I’m glad to have read it

[Davidgeo]

Thanks doll face

[lizardbrain]

I wouldn't know it any other way either. Consistently inconsistent, for me. Trying to see the mood shifts in a more positive light, as a state of constantly "waking up" instead of what is lost, when the thread disappears.

[Davidgeo]

I smoke weed for that. It tends to help a little bit without changing who you are at the end of the day.

[lizardbrain]

I wish that were an option for me. Going to try CBD soon though!

[Davidgeo]

Always remember that no matter what you take it will never be a perfect remedy. The best advice is always to take the bad parts and make them work within the good parts. It never really works but if you try you will at least understand and remember what the bad parts are and where they lie within your personality. Figuring that out is really the most important part anyway.